Monday, December 12, 2016
Light The World
Um, Disneyland kind of got in the way of my blogging Light the World posts. But I promise, I'm still fully doing them. I feel so much closer to the Savior as I have read each day of his service to others and have tried to implement the same kind of service into my life. I hope you are still joining me in this awesome projects as well.
OVC Questions
My Cousin asked me questions for her senior project. I thought I'd post them along with my answers.
2. When you originally felt the masses, did ovarian cancer cross your mind as a possibility?
3. As a PA, did you have any experience with those with this cancer?
4. Has this trial helped you become a better PA?
5. Which treatment has been the most successful for you? Was it worth the side effects?
7. What has been your motivation through this?
8. What's one thing you would tell your past self when you were first diagnosed?
1. What was your initial
reaction to your diagnosis?
reaction to your diagnosis?
I was in under shock. As a medical provider I knew the two cancers you never wanted to get were ovarian and pancreatic because they are the most deadly. I couldn't believe healthy me was being diagnosed with a disease that could potentially take my life. I remember sitting in the gyn office thinking he was going to tell me I had ovarian cysts or uterine fibroids and then when he told me I had cancer and it was pretty far progressed I broke down in tears.
2. When you originally felt the masses, did ovarian cancer cross your mind as a possibility?
Never. OVC typically is a postmenopausal disease. I only felt the mass 1 week before I was diagnosed. And I thought it was an ovarian cyst or uterine fibroid. Never Cancer. I was running 4 miles a day up until 1 week before I was diagnosed and then I walk because the vaginal pressure prevented me from running. It was also pushing on my bladder and was on my sigmoid colon, which explained the year of frequent urination and diarrhea
3. As a PA, did you have any experience with those with this cancer?
Never. When I worked in the ER in Charlotte I worked with a doctor my age whose mother was diagnosed with it in her 60's. That was the only person I have ever known who was diagnosed with it before I was. It makes me wonder if I ever missed this in my practice. If I have I have never heard of it.
4. Has this trial helped you become a better PA?
Yes. It's made me have more compassion, mostly because I have had such amazing physicians and nurses. I think that I've always been a good PA, but in the emergency field it is hard to have the kind of relationships I have with my doctors and nurses in oncology. I am more apt to give more pain medication because of how it has helped me in my pain. I use to be called the narcotics natzi because I hardly gave narcotics because of the many drug seekers I see in the ER, mostly in Charlotte, not so bad where I work now.
5. Which treatment has been the most successful for you? Was it worth the side effects?
That's a hard one. Probably the initial debulking surgery. I was on the table for over 8 hours. They said they were literally picking tumors the size of rice krispies out of me. I think that each phase has had some kind of an impact. The first round of chemo was miserable because they did every other treatment in my abdomen and it made my abdomen blow up which was super uncomfortable. 2 or the 3 have made me incredibly tired for a few days, I always call it a chemo coma. The treatment I started in April worked to improve my pain for a short time, but the masses eventually grew and so it really didn't work. With the radiation my pain has resolved so pain versus side effects I guess it is worth it to be out of pain. But most of all the side effects have been all worth it because the treatment has extended my life. Even though there are days, including last week when I felt like I didn't know how much more of the side effects I could endure. At the time its awful, but days like today I feel pretty normal.
6. What aspect has been the hardest for you emotionally?
That my nieces and nephews have to be exposed to the words chemo and cancer. They can't possibly understand what is going on, but they have great faith. I was diagnosed when my oldest niece was almost 4. There was a day when I was crying and in pain and she went around the corner, knelt down and started praying for me. When I hear them pray for me it brings me to tears. When I lost my hair Aidree prayed for me and her sister who was 2 and just starting to talk said, Auntie Terah why you cry your hair grow back. Last week my 6 year old nephew asked me if the cancer was gone. I told him no. He said, will it be gone tomorrow. I said no, but you keep praying for me and hopefully it will be soon.
At first it was hard knowing I'd never give birth to a child on this earth, but I believe every righteous women will have that opportunity in the future. Plus I realized even before I was diagnosed that I can be a mother by loving other mothers children. It is kind of hard to think that I might not be here in 5 years or 10 and that I will miss so many things including watching my nieces and nephews grow up. It is in these times that I have to think of it in the eternal aspect. I was given a 30-50% chance of being alive in 3-5 years. Those aren't great odds. I've lived 3 1/2. To think that yearly 22000 are diagnosed with OVC a year and 14000 die each year is scary.
At first it was hard knowing I'd never give birth to a child on this earth, but I believe every righteous women will have that opportunity in the future. Plus I realized even before I was diagnosed that I can be a mother by loving other mothers children. It is kind of hard to think that I might not be here in 5 years or 10 and that I will miss so many things including watching my nieces and nephews grow up. It is in these times that I have to think of it in the eternal aspect. I was given a 30-50% chance of being alive in 3-5 years. Those aren't great odds. I've lived 3 1/2. To think that yearly 22000 are diagnosed with OVC a year and 14000 die each year is scary.
7. What has been your motivation through this?
My nieces and nephews and the Christmas Eve cookie/candy platters. Joking aside...When I was in the hospital my mom asked if she could bring me anything from home. I asked for one thing, it was a picture of the Savior. There are so many times through the years when times are tough and I don't think that I can continue that I look at a picture of the Savior, and I remember what He did for me. He suffered for our sins, but he also suffered for our emotion and physical pains, our heartaches and our disappointments. It helps me to get up every day and keep going. I'm motivated by the gospel and knowing that I'm being tested by my Heavenly Father. I agreed to this test in our premortal state and I'm going to follow through. I want to pass this test with flying colors. If I give up it means I didn't put forth all of my effort. The other thing that have learned is that everyone has a trial. Some are seen and some are unseen. There are so many others who have harder trials than I do.
8. What's one thing you would tell your past self when you were first diagnosed?
You Can Do Hard Things. Yes, it's going to be hard and yes, you will have days when you want to give up but don't. Have faith, have hope, believe and trust in God for better days to come.
Disneyland
My mom flew in last week and spent a week with me here in sunny AZ. We have always wanted to visit Disneyland during the Christmas Season, so we did. We drove there on Tuesday, stopping in Palm Springs at the outlets, which are fabulous. They have a great Disney Store which we love.
We were pretty tired when we finally got to our hotel, which was clean, comfortable and cozy. Wednesday we got our first ever Year Pass to Disneyland. We were pretty excited. The only good thing about having cancer is the cancer card that I get at Disneyland. With the fast passes and the cancer card we never have to wait in those long lines. There is just no way that I could do it. Dad met us at Disneyland in the afternoon.
We had such a great day. Disneyland is magical, but it's even more magical at Christmas. I love the Christmas music and entertainment. The new Frozen show at CA Adventures is awesome. And my favorite ride Soarin CA is now Soarin the World. I didn't think they could make this ride any better, but oh, they sure did. I rode this ride the most of any. I love it. And the food, oh my the 'smores bar, giant peppermint patty, apple slush and mac and cheese were amazing. We shared everything, no worries I didn't eat it all myself. Don't try the lobster roll, it doesn't come close to anything on MVY.
By the end of each day I was pretty sure I wasn't going to be able to walk one more step and Friday when we visited Downtown Disney before we headed back to AZ I really almost couldn't. I admit, I pushed the limit, but it was so fun. The weather was fabulous and the time spent with mom and dad was memorable. I think I'm still recovering or maybe its just the fact that the immunotherapy is just not my friend. I'm beyond tired and very tired of feeling tired. Unfortunately today I have another treatment, boohoo.
We were pretty tired when we finally got to our hotel, which was clean, comfortable and cozy. Wednesday we got our first ever Year Pass to Disneyland. We were pretty excited. The only good thing about having cancer is the cancer card that I get at Disneyland. With the fast passes and the cancer card we never have to wait in those long lines. There is just no way that I could do it. Dad met us at Disneyland in the afternoon.
Mom and I were the only ones on Splash Mountain, seriously who wants to get wet when we are wearing jackets.
I Turned The Big 40
A few weeks ago I turned 40. That sounds so young, yet I look back on 40 years at all the adventures I've been on and all I've accomplished and I feel proud of myself. I've seen many posts entitled, What I'd Tell My 20 Year Old Self. And I've thought about what I'd tell that carefree, spunky, headstrong girl. But when I think about what I would change, I realize I wouldn't change a thing. I'm where I am today because of the amazing road I've traveled with all of its detours, up and downs.
I've been thinking more about the many lessons I've learned in 40 years, specifically the last 20. And then I realize, these are the things I'd tell that 20 Year Old Self. Here are some of my thoughts:
~Travel and see not just the world, but this incredible country that we live in. I've had the privilege to visit 40 of the 50 states, most more than once. There are so many beautiful places that I have been able to view with these brown eyes of mine. My favorites include the South, New England in the Fall and or course Hawaii. I still need to make a trip to Alaska...
~Exercise. I feel so much better when I get out and exercise. I love lifting weights, swimming, cycling and hiking. I've learned that even a little exercise is better than no exercise.
~Endure, Endure, Endure. Throughout my life I've had times like grad school when I had to endure. I think those times have definitely prepared me for this time in my life to keep enduring when times are tough. The last 3 1/2 years have been all about endurance. And the last 2 1/2 I have daily told myself to keep enduring.
~Fall in Love and Kiss A Lot. I'm serious. I was so afraid to let myself do this in my early 20's for fear of rejection or hurt, not that I didn't do this, but I wish I would have done it more.
~Dress up. I think of a time in college when we dressed in 70's clothes and went on a date with cute guys. Another time I wore a fun hat for the Kentucky Derby party that Pam and I threw. I have always looked forward to Sunday's because they give me the opportunity to wear my Sunday best. Dressing well makes me feel well. My mom taught me to always get up and put myself together. I've never been one to hang out in my pj's all day. I'd never get anything done if I did.
~Laugh, A LOT. In my family we laugh a lot when we are together. Mom and I were just together and found something to laugh about. Dad just looked at us like we were crazy. One time my sisters, mom and I were in Hannibal, MO. A bird pooped on my shoe. We laughed and still laugh about it.
~Have fun with and learn lots of makeup techniques. I must say, at least through this cancer thing people are always saying I look good. What they don't realize is that it's my makeup that looks good. I am always trying new products and ways to make me look better. It's amazing what a little lip color will do for your self esteem and your face. When I was growing up my mom always refreshed her hair and makeup before my dad got home. I must have gotten this from her.
~Eat delicious food. You know me, I'm all about a good recipe, restaurant and not drinking calories. But sometimes you just have to go off of the food soap box and enjoy life, especially at Disneyland! It really bums me out when I eat something and it's not worth the calories. Its even more of a bummer the last few weeks that I can't eat much without feeling sick. My favorite restaurants are still The Glitz in Kentucky, Flatbread in Meridian, Wasabi Cafe in Concord, NC, Lobster Rolls in MVY, NYC has amazing restaurants, Pizza is out of this world in Chicago and of course a home cooked meal at my Momma's
Home is always delicious. I've discovered an amazing Greek salad at Cafe Mix in Mesa.
~Daily pray and read scriptures. I've had so many answers to prayers from following these daily activities.
~Friends can become your family. I truly have been blessed with the most incredible friends. My mom always talks about how I have so many friends. I love them and am so grateful for the advice they've given me along the years, their love and support. Oh the memories I have with each of them.
~Don't be afraid to take a leap of faith. There are some scary decisions that I've had to make in my life. But because of those decisions I've become the person that I am today.
~Listen to good music. Music can change your attitude in moments. I love Christmas music and listen to it often. Sometimes after a crazy work day or even in traffic I turn it to the classical station and it immediately relaxes. Of course I love music with a good beat when I work out.
~Family, that's were it is folks. We have made some wonderful memories over the past 40 years. I'm so grateful for their support and love.
I've been thinking more about the many lessons I've learned in 40 years, specifically the last 20. And then I realize, these are the things I'd tell that 20 Year Old Self. Here are some of my thoughts:
~Travel and see not just the world, but this incredible country that we live in. I've had the privilege to visit 40 of the 50 states, most more than once. There are so many beautiful places that I have been able to view with these brown eyes of mine. My favorites include the South, New England in the Fall and or course Hawaii. I still need to make a trip to Alaska...
~Exercise. I feel so much better when I get out and exercise. I love lifting weights, swimming, cycling and hiking. I've learned that even a little exercise is better than no exercise.
~Endure, Endure, Endure. Throughout my life I've had times like grad school when I had to endure. I think those times have definitely prepared me for this time in my life to keep enduring when times are tough. The last 3 1/2 years have been all about endurance. And the last 2 1/2 I have daily told myself to keep enduring.
~Fall in Love and Kiss A Lot. I'm serious. I was so afraid to let myself do this in my early 20's for fear of rejection or hurt, not that I didn't do this, but I wish I would have done it more.
~Dress up. I think of a time in college when we dressed in 70's clothes and went on a date with cute guys. Another time I wore a fun hat for the Kentucky Derby party that Pam and I threw. I have always looked forward to Sunday's because they give me the opportunity to wear my Sunday best. Dressing well makes me feel well. My mom taught me to always get up and put myself together. I've never been one to hang out in my pj's all day. I'd never get anything done if I did.
~Laugh, A LOT. In my family we laugh a lot when we are together. Mom and I were just together and found something to laugh about. Dad just looked at us like we were crazy. One time my sisters, mom and I were in Hannibal, MO. A bird pooped on my shoe. We laughed and still laugh about it.
~Have fun with and learn lots of makeup techniques. I must say, at least through this cancer thing people are always saying I look good. What they don't realize is that it's my makeup that looks good. I am always trying new products and ways to make me look better. It's amazing what a little lip color will do for your self esteem and your face. When I was growing up my mom always refreshed her hair and makeup before my dad got home. I must have gotten this from her.
~Eat delicious food. You know me, I'm all about a good recipe, restaurant and not drinking calories. But sometimes you just have to go off of the food soap box and enjoy life, especially at Disneyland! It really bums me out when I eat something and it's not worth the calories. Its even more of a bummer the last few weeks that I can't eat much without feeling sick. My favorite restaurants are still The Glitz in Kentucky, Flatbread in Meridian, Wasabi Cafe in Concord, NC, Lobster Rolls in MVY, NYC has amazing restaurants, Pizza is out of this world in Chicago and of course a home cooked meal at my Momma's
Home is always delicious. I've discovered an amazing Greek salad at Cafe Mix in Mesa.
~Daily pray and read scriptures. I've had so many answers to prayers from following these daily activities.
~Friends can become your family. I truly have been blessed with the most incredible friends. My mom always talks about how I have so many friends. I love them and am so grateful for the advice they've given me along the years, their love and support. Oh the memories I have with each of them.
~Don't be afraid to take a leap of faith. There are some scary decisions that I've had to make in my life. But because of those decisions I've become the person that I am today.
~Listen to good music. Music can change your attitude in moments. I love Christmas music and listen to it often. Sometimes after a crazy work day or even in traffic I turn it to the classical station and it immediately relaxes. Of course I love music with a good beat when I work out.
~Family, that's were it is folks. We have made some wonderful memories over the past 40 years. I'm so grateful for their support and love.
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