3 Years

For the past 3 day's I've been re-playing the events of 3 years ago in my mind.  It's crazy that I have been an ovarian cancer patient for 3 whole years.  I've been dealing with chemo and its side effects off and on for 3 years.  I've had several ugly scars on my abdomen and chest for 3 years.  It's been 3 years of doctors appointments, chemo treatments, many tears, losing my hair and growing it out again.  And for 3 years I've occasionally worried what the next 3 years will bring. But over the past 3 years I've learned more about faith, service, hope and love than I ever thought possible.

Today has been an emotional day for me as I remember losing my breakfast on the way to my appointment because I was so sick about my diagnosis, being told I had a 30-50% chance of being alive in 3-5 years (Hooray I've made it 3 years), a few hours later surprised that I was being wheeled into an 8 1/2 hour surgery and waking up in the ICU the next day.

For the past 5 days I've been experiencing symptoms of urinary frequency and urgency which I had when I was initially diagnosed.  This can only mean the mass (which measured 4x3cm in April) has moved or rather grown towards my urethra (ok maybe TMI but its a matter of fact).  I'm frustrated that this won't simply go away and resolve with prayer, fasting and help from the chemo that I've been having for nearly a year.

I feel that over the past month my heart has softened towards the idea of another surgery; a surgery and outcome that I DO NOT want, but may be necessary and the one thing that can help relieve my symptoms.  This past week I made an appointment with my surgeon Dr. Cooper in Boise for when I am home in a few weeks.  She told me a year ago and Dr. Dan told me in April that it would be best for me to have this particular surgery at a more specialized location.  I'm looking into it and know that the Lord will guide me to the best surgeons with the most experience.  

Today in church as the Sacrament was being passed I read from the hymn book a Sacrament hymn that gave me the guidance I was seeking.

"We take the bread and cup this day in memory of the Sinless one and pray for strength that we may say, As He, "Thy will, oh Lord be done."

And so I continue to pray for strength, endurance, hope and the miracle that I know I can be blessed with.  But most importantly I pray that through humility and long suffering my will, will eventually become His will, know matter the outcome.  I know that the Lord is mindful of me.  I know He hears my pleadings.  I feel that He is at times carrying me along this sometimes very difficult path.  Without a doubt I know He will continue to bless me with His guidance as I continue this journey.

There are many people I've met and experiences I have had over the past 3 years that I'm grateful for.  And it is only because of OVC that specific people and experiences have come to me.  Of course I wouldn't wish this disease upon myself, but if this is how the Lord has chosen for me to become the person I am to become, then I must be patient.  I must be hopeful and most of all I must continue to endure to the very end, which I hope is sometime when I'm a very old woman.