A Little Victory

 Life is real, in all its complexity.  And although it can be painfully difficult, it can also be unspeakably wonderful.  I've never really understood pain, because I have a very high tolerance for it.  When my doctor has heard me complain of pain, he knows I'm in a lot of pain, because I typically don't complain of it.  The past few months though, I've been in pain.  Pain, similar to when my tumors have grown.  The pain is located in my left lower back and spine, which is referred pain from the mass on my right posterior iliac crest; this tumor had grown on Decembers scan.  It literally feels like my spine is being split in half.  And over the past week or so, the pain has literally waken me in the middle of the night or even prevented me from falling asleep.  The pressure of lying on my back or either side is almost torture.  I can't stand for more than a few minutes without pain, which means I'm not shopping and can barely go to the supermarket.  Sitting is much more comfortable or at least bearable.   (The blue is where the mass is and the red is where the pain is most prominent.)

And so today when I saw Dr. Dan I was sure he was going to tell me that my tumors had grown and that I'd have to start another treatment.  To my utter surprise, several of the tumors had actually shrunk including the one on the spleen and under the liver.  Some of them by almost half.  In the nearly 3 years since the cancer returned, I haven't had any visit when Dr. Dan has told me that the tumors have shrunk, yes there have been times when the tumors have been maintained or increased slightly in size, despite the 9 or 10 different treatments I've been on.  It has only been 3 months that I've been on Tamoxifen and we've seen incredible improvement.  It makes me wonder what another 3 months will show.  The only downside to this medicine is some restless legs, mostly at night, some boney thigh pain and my hair has been falling out like crazy, which I don't love at all.  But if my tumors are shrinking, I'll take the side effects. 

Unfortunately the tumors on the posterior iliac crest, left kidney and the left ureter have not decreased in size, which means I continue to have the discomfort from the stint.  If I could will these to go away, I certainly would.  Hopefully in the near future they will resolve, because I tell you, I'm about to go crazy with this stint, yes it's better than the last one, but not in any way comfortable.  I do have two tumors which have grown in my epigastric region that I can feel that are soft tissue and not close to any organs.  These don't hurt, but are annoying and keep growing, which is why I was sure the others were growing too.  I can actually see one of them if I push my abdomen out far enough.  The crazy thing is my ca-125 jumped to 400, which it has never been below 237 (what it was when I was diagnosed).  It's mostly sat around the low 90's.  Of course a ct scan always trumps the ca-125 and really I think the ca-125 isn't accurate for me (and has finally caught up with the tumor growth) which is why it isn't a good preventative test.

Am I on the road to recovery or remission???  I'd like to think so, but I'm sure I will always have tumors.  If they can be maintained by a daily pill I'd be so grateful.  The CT report impression did say I had extensive metastatic disease, so I'm far from the clear, but at least I didn't leave MSTI crying and wondering how much longer I have to live.

Dr. Dan did inform me that the TSH (thyroid) jumped from normal 4 to 47, which explains why I want to lay around with my eyes closed and why I'm sleeping so well at night.  That's an easy fix, but it's an annoyance, since we've had trouble with maintaining it ever since taking the immunotherapy which I finished a year ago. This of course is a minor inconvenience.

Because of my friends and supporters at Colleens Dream and their connections, a few weeks ago I met with Dr. S in Phoenix.  He an oncology researcher at TGen, but recently came from Huntsman Cancer Institute in SLC, where I actually worked between college and grad school.  The first thing he said to me was that he knew Dr. Dan very well.  It has been amazing to me how all of my physicians have had a connection with each other.  He did mention to me that it was unfortunate that I was sitting in front of him as a patient.  He saw a healthy, full of energy woman, more than a cancer patient, which I appreciated.  As a provider, I have a small amount of insight into what my providers are hoping for.  I'm quite certain that in Dr. Dans office yesterday he felt the same excitement as I did when he saw that finally a treatment was showing some improvement.  We have been waiting for a specific gene test to be approved by insurance companies.  Monday morning Dr. S's office called to let me know the test had been approved.  On my lunch hour I drove the 25 minutes there and back for this kit that I brought with me to Idaho; a kit which I will take with me next week to the interventional radiologist who will do some biopsies in hopes that this research and testing will give us more information regarding these destructive tumors and knowledge to what treatment is best, even though I think we may have finally found the one!  
 
Prayers truly are answered.  There are so many people who have been praying for me for nearly 5 years.  They have been faithful, supportive and truly believe that Heavenly Father will answer their prayers.  As I was instructed early in my diagnosis in a Priesthood blessing, I've developed a great faith in those prayers that are being said for me.  It's quite a humbling experience, knowing there are people praying for me that I don't even know are praying for me.  I'm sure you are all so tired of praying for me, but your prayers are truly being heard, answered and so very much appreciative.  During the difficult times, I've wondered if my prayers are really being heard, especially when ct scan after ct scan and treatment after treatment hasn't shown any improvement, but instead tumor growth.  It has been down right discouraging at times, but I've never once had my faith or trust in the Lord waiver.  I've always hoped for a miracle or at least improvement and I've always believed just like the woman who was healed by touching the Saviors gown, that because of my faith I too could be healed.  Over the past few years, I have put my faith in the Lord and prayed that His will would become my will.  I don't know what His will is, but I hope that our wills are similar.  But if not, I will still believe that He see's the bigger picture and His plan for me.  

I know I've shared one of my favorite quotes on my blog before, but it has brought me so much determination and faith as I've patiently and not so patiently at times traveled this sometimes brutal cancer road.  Jeffery R. Holland said, "God expects you to have enough faith and determination and enough trust in Him to keep moving, keep living, keep rejoicing.  In fact, He expects you not simply to face the future; he expect you to embrace and shape the future, to love it and rejoice in it and delight in your opportunities.  God is anxiously waiting for the chance to answer your prayers and fulfill your dreams, just as he always has.  But he can't if you don't pray and he can't if you don't dream.  In short, He can't if you don't believe."

Whether we believe in the same things or not, I want you to know that I believe in happiness.  I believe in hope.  I believe in Christ and in his infinite atonement.  I believe in second, third and infinite chances to start over.  At this Easter weekend, I am most grateful for and believe  in the Resurrection knowing that I will live again.  Someday, I'll have my resurrected body which will be cancer, tumor and scar free!  I believe in everlasting joy and the eternal nature of families.  My life feels more whole because of my beliefs, and I know with everything I have that a grateful heart is a magnet for miracles.  Life is hard, but I'm thankful to be living it.

Good News and Gallstones

Can you believe it's been over a week since I last posted?  I've been rather busy around here.  I've had lots of visitors and expecting more next week.  However that is for another post. 

Last Friday wasn't fabulous at all.  Thursday evening I had gone to dinner with my cousins and didn't feel super well afterwards.  They were all trying to convince me to leave that night to go see the Grand Canyon.  Our plan was to go to Sedona on Friday.  I'm so glad that I didn't give into the peer pressure. 

Friday morning around 6 I started having some intense cramping in my epigastric region.  It was like what I assume contractions feel like.  They came and went and some were pretty intense.  I would breath through them as the sweat engulfed me and my heart raced. 

Around 8:30 I called my doctors office.  But a little before 10 when they hadn't called me back we drove there.  I felt like a crazy lady (and probably looked like one too) going to my doctors without an appointment, but come on I'm a cancer patient and I was in some crazy pain.

I knew they were going to tell me to go to the ER, but being an ER PA, that is the last place I want to go when I'm not working.  At that point I didn't care though.  I'm glad I went to my doctors first, because they told me to go to a specific ER where my doctor was there doing surgery. 

Thankfully there was only 1 other woman that was ahead of me when I got to the ER, even though it took them an hour to get me back in a room.  Meanwhile, Alisha had to get me into a wheelchair before I passed out from the intense crazy pain that I was having.  It sounds like I'm exagerrating here, but I promise I'm not. 

I must say, I was immensely impressed with the hospital.  The care I received and the massive rooms made me feel like I was in First Class.  The ER doctor actually met me in the room as they wheeled me in.  He was so awesome.  They did blood work and a CT scan and then the pain seemed to go away. 

After a few hours the ER Doc came to inform me that I had a partial bowel obstruction, which is typically caused from adhesions (or scarring) from my previous surgery.  The bad, very bad news was that they needed to put an NG tube in my nose and down my throat to pump my stomach.  I held it together until the actual procedure and then my tears started.  I had this done twice when I was in the hospital for 15 days remember?  I knew exactly what this entailed and I wasn't happy about it one bit.  The good thing was that they did numb my throat, but it didn't help the intense pain that goes along with sticking a tube into your nose. 

Thanks to Morphine, it did decrease the pain for a short time, but that's exactly how Morphine works...it's short acting. 

Oh, but the real culprit, that I knew all along because I had an Ultra Sound in May is the massive Gallstones; at least 3 of them.  An ultrasound was also done at my bedside when I got up to the floor, which was awesime, to see if there was a stone in the common bile duct, which there wasn't.  I wish there had been and I wouldn't still be having pain from the gigantic gallstones that sit in my gallbladder.  I don't know why they didn't just remove it then, however if they had I wouldn't have had the fun I did this past weekend.

Dr. J came into see me around 8pm.  My 5 cousins were there when he came in.  We informed him that we had planned a cousins reunion that weekend.  He was so nice to me, which gave me a different take on him from my previous encounter.  While looking at the CT scan at my bedside, he said that he wasn't totally convinced that I had a true bowel obstruction.  If I did have the bowel obstruction, I'm sure it was cleared by the time I had the CT scan.  I'll leave out those details for your imagination. 

I'm positive my pain was from a full on gallstone attack.  It was miserable.  I still have pain when I eat, if I don't eat and in between.

Thankfully around 1am when I couldn't sleep the nurse took out the NG tube and by morning I was ready to go have some fun with my cousins.

The GOOD NEWS:  The tumor on the vaginal/anal wall was not seen on the CT scan.  I can't tell you how happy this makes me.  There are still multiple nodules that are calcified which means the chemo is doing it's job. 

Last night I read a scripture that pretty much sums up my feelings on this matter,
Luke 18:27 "The things which are impossible with men are possible with God."  I know that these results are because of the many prayers that are being said in my behalf to our loving Heavenly Father.  He hears our prayers and He answers them in his own timing. 

It is my hope that continued chemo and miracles will dissolve all signs of cancer and that I will continue to see the miracles that are possible with God's help.  

Huge Surprise

Today I had a huge surprise when the NP told me my CA-125 was 37.  I wanted to jump up and down blowing a party horn, doing a happy dance and toasting with my Martinellis Apple Cider (I love that stuff).  I was shocked and surprised to say the least, but mostly I was deeply humbled and grateful to my Heavenly Father for answering my many prayers and your many prayers as we have asked in faith and hoped for a miracle.

I'm pretty good at holding in my emotions, except for when I'm around a a few individuals or if I'm tired, but Saturday morning out of no where I had myself a good ugly cry.  They were tears of frustration and disappointment and probably a few tears of feeling defeated.  It only lasted 2 minutes before I put my big girl panties on and enjoyed yet another beautiful Phoenix Fall Day.  Sometimes a good cry is cleansing for the soul, which I believe that one was.

I told mom last night that I hoped the ovarian cancer marker would be at least 50, but she told me she has been praying that it would be in the teens.  We got a compromise.  This dropped 30 points in 4 weeks.  In the first 4 months of chemo the count only went from 83-67.  I'm more than thrilled that the marker is 1 point away from being within the normal range (less than 36 is normal).  This means that there shouldn't be any OVC cancer cells in my body and that the tumors should be gone.  We will know this when I have a CT scan the end of November.  The white count is continuing to increase with the help of the neulasta.  It was 8 today.  I'm hoping that this is the last time I have to do the neulasta.  It gives me such horrible bone pain and I had a killer headache for 24 hours last time.  If I can keep the WBC above 8, then come January I will be able to go back to work, which I really can't wait to do.

I'm sure the change in chemo from the carbo to the cisplatin has something to do with the drop.  But I firmly believe it dropped as an answer to the many prayers that are being said in my behalf all over the country, in Russia and Australia.  When I was home last week and was having horrible side effects from chemo my dad gave me a blessing.  In it he said, "I bless that you will see a drastic decrease in the OVC Marker."  I know that blessing and answer came from faithful parents prayers and from my Heavenly Father answering those prayers. 

So now we hope that in the next month my count drops to the teens or single digits.  If this happens and the CT scan is normal, then I will have 2 more rounds (2 months) of chemo, unless we can go back to day's 1 and 8 with 1 week off.  Hopefully I will start back to work part time in January and be back to full time by February (the worst flu month).  Did I mention I will be so happy to go back to work though?

I'm so grateful for miracles, my own faith and the faith of many others, for the prayers and fasting offered by so many people in my behalf and for modern day medicine.  I can do hard things and am so grateful for the support I have from the amazing people in my life.  I love the following short video regarding burdens and trials. 

In studying President Monsons conference address last month, I came across this favorite quote, which he has quoted before:

"To be an example of faith means that we trust in the Lord and in His word. It means that we possess and that we nourish the beliefs that will guide our thoughts and our actions. Our faith in the Lord Jesus Christ and in our Heavenly Father will influence all that we do. Amidst the confusion of our age, the conflicts of conscience, and the turmoil of daily living, an abiding faith becomes an anchor to our lives. Remember that faith and doubt cannot exist in the same mind at the same time, for one will dispel the other."  When I originally was diagnosed in June 2013, the last line of this quote became our family motto as we plunged through the days of chemo and cancer.  My aunt even embroidered this on the blanket that I use often.  President Monson reminds us at the end of this quote of the scripture in D&C 90:24, Said the Lord, “Search diligently, pray always, and be believing, and all things shall work together for your good.”

I love this reminder that if I put my faith into practice and all of my efforts into studying my scriptures, praying with faith and believing in miracles, that all things will work together for my good and oh how they are.