Good News/Bad News

I have a lot of fun things to blog about from the last few weeks, but I'm going to save that for later.  I unfortunately have to inform you of my labs, CT scan results and what's happening in the next month regarding this ridiculous cancer that just won't go away....

This morning I saw Dr. Dan.  I could tell by his demeanor when he walked in my room that things weren't great.  But they aren't bad, just not what I was hoping for.  

Good News:  All of my labs, except the CA-125 are all normal.

Bad News:  Ca-125 is up from 42 to 47.  It's really only up 11 points from normal, so not super bad.

Worse News:  The pre-sacral mass sitting just above my tailbone grew 6mm.  

Good News:  The pre-sacral mass isn't really causing me much pain.

Bad News:  The red devil chemo isn't working.

Worse News:  I've got sores in my right inguinal region that are side effects from the chemo and giving me horrific discomfort.  I started an antibiotic for them today.

Good News:  The mass by the left iliac crest that I thought was the same size as the pre-sacral mass, is actually only 1.5 cm and hasn't changed in size.

Good News:  I'm not going to be sick this weekend since I didn't have chemo today.  

Good News:  We are going forward with the clinical trial called the Match Trial.  Basically this is how it will go down:  I had more blood work and an EKG done today.  Wednesday morning I'll undergo a needle biopsy, likely from the left iliac crest.  This will be sent off to see if it matches a specific gene that has a specific treatment.  If it matches I'm in and will be given that treatment.  This would be fantastic and I'll likely be on the medicine which is oral until it stops working or forever.

Surgery is also an option to remove the pre-sacral mass.  It is a specialized surgery where they also do an intra-operative chemo treatment.  Even though they say this is experimental, they've been doing it for at least 10 years with good results.  The best place to do this on the West Coast is in San Diego.  While I'm waiting the 3-5 weeks to see if I'm eligible for the MATCH study, I'll go to San Diego for a consult.  

The other option before surgery would also be to start on an oral daily chemo called Procytox.  The major side effect is fatigue.  Dr. Dan did also discuss a few more chemo options with me, one included the first chemo that I did, but these chemo's would make me lose my hair.  I really don't want to go down that road again.

Bottom Line:  Even though I've been on Chemo for over a year, my tumor hasn't responded to it.  Which means in the past year the tumor has really only grown at the most 2 cm.  This is good in the fact that it must be slow growing.  It isn't like I have cancer all over and I'm dying today.  I live with cancer, just like other people live with high blood pressure and diabetes.  And to be honest as a health care professional, there are worse things to live with than ovarian cancer.

It's hard to understand why Heavenly Father hasn't answered my prayers to be healed by this chemo.  I still believe He is listening to me and is aware of me, but I also know that He see's the bigger picture that I can't see.  I believe that I'm not just the one who is learning and growing through this trial, but that there are many around me who are learning and growing because we are going through this trail together.

Tonight Troy brought his kids over while him and Becky went to the gym.  Tears sprang to my eyes when they ran to me and hugged me.  They have no idea of the Dr. appointment that I had today.   They asked me why I was crying.  I told them it was because I was so happy to see them.  I want to be alive to watch my sweet nieces and nephews grow and become the incredible people that I know they will be.  It makes me cry even more to think that this might not be in my future.  In our dinner prayer tonight as 4 year old Stella said it while she walked back and forth through the kitchen, she said "Bless Aunt Terah that her cancer will go away."  This is the same prayer that all of my nieces and nephews and friends children are saying all over the country.  I have faith in these prayers and know that they are heard and will be answered according to the Lords will. 

I am so very blessed to have such an amazing army of supporters, all of who pray for me daily.  I'm especially grateful for the unexpected relationship that has come into my life over the past 5 months.  HM is incredible!  We both believe there is a purpose that we met when and how we did.  It doesn't make sense otherwise.  We don't believe this was just a coincidence, but that the Lord had a hand in us meeting.  I know there has got to be a small or large sense of fear in him.  We had a wonderful conversation last week about having faith and not fear.  Since that conversation I've let go of some of the fear that I was holding on to.  As I was discussing Dr. Dan's visit with HM this morning, he reassured me that there is a solution to this problem, we just need to be patient, keep being positive and to have hope that the solution will come.  Any other man would have wanted me to get lost when he found out my history, but not him.  He makes me want to fight even harder.  I can even cry in front of him and he lets me without making me feel insecure or like I'm weak.

I've discovered in life the secret is to never give up.  Never let a stumble in the road be the end of my journey.  Stay faithful and keep going.

I saw this quote today, which summed things up perfectly,

And so we continue to wait, hope and believe in the Lord's timing and plan, while having incredible faith and patience that the future will be great and wonderful.  President Monson said it best, "The future is as bright as your faith."