More Trials

I'm pretty sure yesterday's talks in church were directed especially for me.  They were on trials and challenges.  As soon as the topic was introduced the tears began to flow.  The talks were centered on Elder Bednars talk from October General Conference about burdens.  It was a talk that I had recently studied and was familiar with.  A talk that has given me hope and endurance.  The speakers were not from our branch, but touched me in a way that the Lord knew I needed to be touched.  Here are some of Eldar Benars words that spoke to me, "Each of us also carries a load. Our individual load is comprised of demands and opportunities, obligations and privileges, afflictions and blessings, and options and constraints. Two guiding questions can be helpful as we periodically and prayerfully assess our load: “Is the load I am carrying producing the spiritual traction that will enable me to press forward with faith in Christ on the strait and narrow path and avoid getting stuck? Is the load I am carrying creating sufficient spiritual traction so I ultimately can return home to Heavenly Father?”

Sometimes we mistakenly may believe that happiness is the absence of a load. But bearing a load is a necessary and essential part of the plan of happiness. Because our individual load needs to generate spiritual traction, we should be careful to not haul around in our lives so many nice but unnecessary things that we are distracted and diverted from the things that truly matter most. 

(I've always loved this part of the Book Of Mormon) “And I will also ease the burdens which are put upon your shoulders, that even you cannot feel them upon your backs” (Mosiah 24:14).

Many of us may assume this scripture is suggesting that a burden suddenly and permanently will be taken away. The next verse, however, describes how the burden was eased.

“And now it came to pass that the burdens which were laid upon Alma and his brethren were made light; yea, the Lord did strengthen them that they could bear up their burdens with ease, and they did submit cheerfully and with patience to all the will of the Lord” (Mosiah 24:15; emphasis added).

The challenges and difficulties were not immediately removed from the people. But Alma and his followers were strengthened, and their increased capacity made the burdens lighter. These good people were empowered through the Atonement to act as agents (see D&C 58:26–29) and impact their circumstances. And “in the strength of the Lord” (Words of Mormon 1:14; Mosiah 9:17; 10:10; Alma 20:

Thus,the Savior has suffered not just for our sins and iniquities—but also for our physical pains and anguish, our weaknesses and shortcomings, our fears and frustrations, our disappointments and discouragement, our regrets and remorse, our despair and desperation, the injustices and inequities we experience, and the emotional distresses that beset us.

There is no physical pain, no spiritual wound, no anguish of soul or heartache, no infirmity or weakness you or I ever confront in mortality that the Savior did not experience first. In a moment of weakness we may cry out, “No one knows what it is like. No one understands.” But the Son of God perfectly knows and understands, for He has felt and borne our individual burdens. And because of His infinite and eternal sacrifice (seeAlma 34:14), He has perfect empathy and can extend to us His arm of mercy. He can reach out, touch, succor, heal, and strengthen us to be more than we could ever be and help us to do that which we could never do relying only upon our own power. Indeed, His yoke is easy and His burden is light."

I've thought a lot about trials this week and wondered how much one person can take.  I'm experiencing a trial that I didn't expect.  I've been on my knees more this week than I have since being diagnosed with ovarian cancer.  I wonder why me and how much can my little heart handle before I crash and burn me.   I look around me at work and even voiced to one of the doctors that I worked with last night if I was the only one who had trials.  I've shed many tears this week and feel like screaming, "Enough Already."

I'm confused, but am seeking with faith and hope the right direction for me.  I've always had a strong conviction that the Lord will never direct me in the wrong direction.  I've been offered a full time position in Phoenix.  I know that I need to go back there when this rotation is up, but I'm hesitant to take a full time position. I keep thinking to myself that I would be a fool to not take this amazing opportunity.

Yesterday at the end of my shift I had a patient who had had a history of breast cancer at age 40 (she was at least 10 years out) and had to have a double mastectomy.  She was also a nurse.  I had time to sit and talk with her and her husband and to bear my testimony to them of the Lords hand in our lives and of our Savior bearing our burdens.  It was a sweet experience and one that I think we both needed.

I'm ever so grateful for my support system.  I have so many people in my life who love me!  It is because of them and my Heavenly Father that I'm able to bear my trials and to move forward in my life.
This morning I read the following quote that gives me hope, “Difficulties come into our lives, problems we do not anticipate and which we would never choose. None of us is immune. The purpose of mortality is to learn and to grow to be more like our Father, and it is often during the difficult times that we learn the most, as painful as the lessons may be.”

President Thomas S. Monson, “God Be with You Till We Meet Again,” Liahona, Nov. 2012, 111.

I borrowed a cd from the library this week and came upon a song that I've been blaring as I drive.  I think that if my life ended today or at least when it does I would want this song put to pictures and shown at my funeral because the words say it all....It's by One Republic entitled, I Lived.

Hoping you take that jump,
But don't feel the fall.
Hope when the water rises,
You build a wall.

Hope when the crowd screams out
It's screaming your name
Hope if everybody runs
You chose to stay

Hope that you fall in love
And it hurts so bad
The only way you can know
Is give it all you have

And I hope that you don't suffer
But take the pain
Hope when the moment comes, you'll say

I..... I did it all
I..... I did it all
I owned every second that this world could give
I saw so many places
The things that I did
Yeah, with every broken bone
I swear I lived

Hope that you spend your days
But they all add up
And when that sun goes down
Hope you raise your cup
Oh, oh

I wish that I could witness
All your joy
And all your pain
But until my moment comes
I'll say

I....I did it all
I....I did it all
I owned every second that this world could give
I saw so many places
The things that I did
Yeah with every broken bone
I swear I lived

Oh whoa oh oh oh oh oh (x4)

With every broken bone
I swear I lived