The last week has been a rather emotional roller coaster for our family. Our family has gratefully never been faced with the death of a loved one. Each day we have gotten closer and closer to saying a final goodbye to grandma. Each night we leave her house wondering if this will be the night, but each morning we wake to find her still with us. It has been a spiritual time for us as we have felt spirits from the other side in my grandparents home preparing not only grandma but us to take grandma to her heavenly home. I feel closer to my grandma now, more than I ever have as I've been able to sit and hold her hand, caress her arms, and listen to her heart from time to time. The last time grandma spoke words to me was last week. My aunt mentioned that she might not be able to see, so I asked her, "Grandma, can you see me?" She answered, "Yes you're as cute as a button, just as you always have been." I turned to my aunt and said, "Yep, she can see perfectly." Friday night I stopped by her home on my way back from the temple. I told her that I'd gone to the temple that day and reminded her of all the Wednesday mornings she spent with Grandpa in the temple. I'm grateful for her example of temple worship. I'm grateful for the plan of salvation that I know I will be with my family forever.
It has been a humbling time as I've watched loved ones sit and hold grandmas hand and tell them they love her, but it has been especially humbling to watch my youngest cousins and my grandpa at her bedside. Last night my cousin who is almost 8 was sitting on a chair next to grandmas bed just watching her. I thought of the memories I have of grandma and the fact that little Reagan will not grow up with memories that I have had. However as I was getting ready to leave last night when grandpa broke out in song, singing to my little cousins the same songs he has always sang to us. It gave me another happy memory and I was glad he hasn't stopped being his goofy self and singing about peanuts and railroads. I watched my 12 year old cousin sit down by grandma yesterday, with tears in his eyes he asked if he could hold her hand. I told him of course he could. He gently picked her hand up and held it. It was so precious. He even felt the need to stay the night with her last night.
My dad is 1 of 10, there are 50 grandchildren ranging from 39 to 3 years old and 81great grand children with 2 on the way. It is amazing how much closer we have become as a family as we have spent many hours together. If I wasn't here I would have missed out on this opportunity.
A few days ago grandpa told grandma he loved her and she said I love you more and then grandpa said, why don't we love each other the same. That's what I want. Someone who thinks they love me more but we love each other the same. It's been neat to watch my dad sit with his mom, love on his mom and I wonder just what he is thinking as he knows she will be going soon. The saddest thing for me is that grandma won't be here when or if I get married. She may not be here physically, but I know she will be there in spirit. But I won't have those pictures that everyone else has had, but I will have the ones that I've taken with her in years past.
It has become very clear to me this week that I'm here for this reason. We had no idea grandma would go down hill this fast. I sat in Sunday School today and realized how ungrateful I have been in having been directed to be home at this time in my life. I am now very grateful that I am here. What I would have missed had I not allowed the Lord to direct my paths. I've learned the true saying that we are often the answers to others prayers. Many of my family members have offered their thanks and gratitude for all that I've been able to do and all that I know. However I don't know when she will go, so please quit asking. So we wait and hope that grandma goes peacefully soon.
Garlic-Parmesan Compound Butter
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