We Thank Thee Oh God For A Prophet

I have been looking forward to this special General Conference knowing we would be sustaining a new prophet and two new members of the quorum of the 12 apostles, with the passing of our dear prophet Thomas S. Monson on January 2, 2019 and the passing of Elder Robert D. Hales last General Conference, we as a church welcomed and sustained a new prophet of our church and world.  This morning I participated with the rest of the world the solemn assembly as we sustained a new prophet President Russel Marion Nelson.  Even in our home, it was a spiritual experience as I fought back a few tears of gratitude and love for our Heavenly Father who has prepared this amazing man for 93 years for this calling to lead our church under his direction.  The first session of conference was probably my favorite, even though they all were.  There were new temples announced, the merging of Elder's Quorum and High Priest Quorum into one Elders Quorum and VT/HT is now ministering.

President Ballard in the first talk this morning said, "How do we sustain a new prophet, it begins with sincere faith."

Find time to unplug so that we don't miss what the Lord has prepared for us to know and hear.

Remember the gift of the sabbath day.  The blessing of taking the sacrament should not become a routine.

Elder Anderson:
"We follow the prophet because the Lord Jesus Christ has called him and designated him as His watchman on the tower.  A prophet is a watchman upon the towers protecting us from spiritual dangers we may not see." 

"The prophets voice brings spiritual safety in turbulent times."

"Anchoring our souls to the Lord Jesus Christ requires listening to those He sends.  Following the prophet in a world of commotion is like being wrapped in a soothing, warm blanket on a freezing cold day."

"The Lords voice often comes without explanation.  When correction is needed lets not delay."

"As you are humble in following the prophets voice I promise you an added blessing of safety and peace."

"A prophet does not stand between you and the Savior.  Rather, he stands beside you and points the way to the Savior." 

"We walk forward in faith trusting in God, knowing that with time we will receive more spiritual clarity from our Heavenly Father.  The surrender of our will to Gods will is, in fact, not surrendering at all but the beginning of a glorious victory."

If I spiritually align my faith with his teaching, my faith will increase. 

A Little Victory

 Life is real, in all its complexity.  And although it can be painfully difficult, it can also be unspeakably wonderful.  I've never really understood pain, because I have a very high tolerance for it.  When my doctor has heard me complain of pain, he knows I'm in a lot of pain, because I typically don't complain of it.  The past few months though, I've been in pain.  Pain, similar to when my tumors have grown.  The pain is located in my left lower back and spine, which is referred pain from the mass on my right posterior iliac crest; this tumor had grown on Decembers scan.  It literally feels like my spine is being split in half.  And over the past week or so, the pain has literally waken me in the middle of the night or even prevented me from falling asleep.  The pressure of lying on my back or either side is almost torture.  I can't stand for more than a few minutes without pain, which means I'm not shopping and can barely go to the supermarket.  Sitting is much more comfortable or at least bearable.   (The blue is where the mass is and the red is where the pain is most prominent.)

And so today when I saw Dr. Dan I was sure he was going to tell me that my tumors had grown and that I'd have to start another treatment.  To my utter surprise, several of the tumors had actually shrunk including the one on the spleen and under the liver.  Some of them by almost half.  In the nearly 3 years since the cancer returned, I haven't had any visit when Dr. Dan has told me that the tumors have shrunk, yes there have been times when the tumors have been maintained or increased slightly in size, despite the 9 or 10 different treatments I've been on.  It has only been 3 months that I've been on Tamoxifen and we've seen incredible improvement.  It makes me wonder what another 3 months will show.  The only downside to this medicine is some restless legs, mostly at night, some boney thigh pain and my hair has been falling out like crazy, which I don't love at all.  But if my tumors are shrinking, I'll take the side effects. 

Unfortunately the tumors on the posterior iliac crest, left kidney and the left ureter have not decreased in size, which means I continue to have the discomfort from the stint.  If I could will these to go away, I certainly would.  Hopefully in the near future they will resolve, because I tell you, I'm about to go crazy with this stint, yes it's better than the last one, but not in any way comfortable.  I do have two tumors which have grown in my epigastric region that I can feel that are soft tissue and not close to any organs.  These don't hurt, but are annoying and keep growing, which is why I was sure the others were growing too.  I can actually see one of them if I push my abdomen out far enough.  The crazy thing is my ca-125 jumped to 400, which it has never been below 237 (what it was when I was diagnosed).  It's mostly sat around the low 90's.  Of course a ct scan always trumps the ca-125 and really I think the ca-125 isn't accurate for me (and has finally caught up with the tumor growth) which is why it isn't a good preventative test.

Am I on the road to recovery or remission???  I'd like to think so, but I'm sure I will always have tumors.  If they can be maintained by a daily pill I'd be so grateful.  The CT report impression did say I had extensive metastatic disease, so I'm far from the clear, but at least I didn't leave MSTI crying and wondering how much longer I have to live.

Dr. Dan did inform me that the TSH (thyroid) jumped from normal 4 to 47, which explains why I want to lay around with my eyes closed and why I'm sleeping so well at night.  That's an easy fix, but it's an annoyance, since we've had trouble with maintaining it ever since taking the immunotherapy which I finished a year ago. This of course is a minor inconvenience.

Because of my friends and supporters at Colleens Dream and their connections, a few weeks ago I met with Dr. S in Phoenix.  He an oncology researcher at TGen, but recently came from Huntsman Cancer Institute in SLC, where I actually worked between college and grad school.  The first thing he said to me was that he knew Dr. Dan very well.  It has been amazing to me how all of my physicians have had a connection with each other.  He did mention to me that it was unfortunate that I was sitting in front of him as a patient.  He saw a healthy, full of energy woman, more than a cancer patient, which I appreciated.  As a provider, I have a small amount of insight into what my providers are hoping for.  I'm quite certain that in Dr. Dans office yesterday he felt the same excitement as I did when he saw that finally a treatment was showing some improvement.  We have been waiting for a specific gene test to be approved by insurance companies.  Monday morning Dr. S's office called to let me know the test had been approved.  On my lunch hour I drove the 25 minutes there and back for this kit that I brought with me to Idaho; a kit which I will take with me next week to the interventional radiologist who will do some biopsies in hopes that this research and testing will give us more information regarding these destructive tumors and knowledge to what treatment is best, even though I think we may have finally found the one!  
 
Prayers truly are answered.  There are so many people who have been praying for me for nearly 5 years.  They have been faithful, supportive and truly believe that Heavenly Father will answer their prayers.  As I was instructed early in my diagnosis in a Priesthood blessing, I've developed a great faith in those prayers that are being said for me.  It's quite a humbling experience, knowing there are people praying for me that I don't even know are praying for me.  I'm sure you are all so tired of praying for me, but your prayers are truly being heard, answered and so very much appreciative.  During the difficult times, I've wondered if my prayers are really being heard, especially when ct scan after ct scan and treatment after treatment hasn't shown any improvement, but instead tumor growth.  It has been down right discouraging at times, but I've never once had my faith or trust in the Lord waiver.  I've always hoped for a miracle or at least improvement and I've always believed just like the woman who was healed by touching the Saviors gown, that because of my faith I too could be healed.  Over the past few years, I have put my faith in the Lord and prayed that His will would become my will.  I don't know what His will is, but I hope that our wills are similar.  But if not, I will still believe that He see's the bigger picture and His plan for me.  

I know I've shared one of my favorite quotes on my blog before, but it has brought me so much determination and faith as I've patiently and not so patiently at times traveled this sometimes brutal cancer road.  Jeffery R. Holland said, "God expects you to have enough faith and determination and enough trust in Him to keep moving, keep living, keep rejoicing.  In fact, He expects you not simply to face the future; he expect you to embrace and shape the future, to love it and rejoice in it and delight in your opportunities.  God is anxiously waiting for the chance to answer your prayers and fulfill your dreams, just as he always has.  But he can't if you don't pray and he can't if you don't dream.  In short, He can't if you don't believe."

Whether we believe in the same things or not, I want you to know that I believe in happiness.  I believe in hope.  I believe in Christ and in his infinite atonement.  I believe in second, third and infinite chances to start over.  At this Easter weekend, I am most grateful for and believe  in the Resurrection knowing that I will live again.  Someday, I'll have my resurrected body which will be cancer, tumor and scar free!  I believe in everlasting joy and the eternal nature of families.  My life feels more whole because of my beliefs, and I know with everything I have that a grateful heart is a magnet for miracles.  Life is hard, but I'm thankful to be living it.

Normal

Tuesday I miraculously felt amazing.  I began the day thinking, I'll run a few errands, dropping off a box of citrus to mail off to my previous company that I dearly love and stopping by TJ Maxx to purchase a screen protector since I cracked mine a week ago.  Of course I also bought a shirt for my vacation.  And then I went home to rest.  I didn't feel like resting and had some energy so I started a load of laundry and folded the laundry that had been in the dryer for a few weeks.  And then I put the clothes away that my housekeeper had folded and put in a basket.  And then I felt good enough to do another load of laundry and pay the stack of bills accumulating on my kitchen counter.  I walked around the house seriously thinking, "Happiness is doing laundry, cleaning the kitchen, paying bills."  Oh the things we take for granted.  I couldn't believe how much I got accomplished in one day.  It brought me a whole lot of happiness.  And when I went to bed I felt I had accomplished more in the past month, in just one day.

And then yesterday happened.  I got up and did the whole shower, wash hair get ready all in one shot.  I think it took more energy than I was expecting.  I spent an hour helping my friend make desserts for her sons wedding reception on Friday.  I was nauseated so I took some zofran.  I went to the bank and the store and then blamed the heat for not feeling well so I went home.  I was so tired, not sleepy, just tired.  I came home and layed on the couch with my eyes closed and talked to Alisha for a while.  I need to get out of the house so I told my friend Janelle I'd come over and then I'd run to Winco and Costcto.  I literally got to the light by my house and all of a sudden this chica was sick.  I seriously couldn't make it home fast enough.  It was a bad deal and I spent the rest of the afternoon on the couch.  Thankfully my sweet neighbor was on her way home from work and stopped by the store to get me something with electrolytes in it and by evening I was feeling a little better. 

This morning as every morning I woke to birds chirping and the sun blazing through my window.  I feel great, I have an entire to do list to accomplish today and by golly I am going to get it done and hope to feel normal doing it. 

I was talking to mom in one of the 5 conversations we had yesterday and I told her I just want to feel normal and have a normal life again.  I want to not have to worry about planning my life around chemo treatments.  I want to feel well all the time and not wonder if today will be a day that I have no energy.  I want to be able to work out like I've always done without feeling sick.  I want to get to go to work every day or at least 9 days a month.  I want to have that normal life that I had 4 years ago before my diagnosis.  We both agreed normal would be awesome.  Mom admitted that she is getting tired of this new normal as well.  We'd like to go back to normal normal.  Maybe our miracle of normal is coming.  I sure hope so.

A few nights ago I was listening to an April 2017 general conference talk like I do every night by Ulisses Soares entitled Confide in God Unwaveringly.  The ending of the talk was exactly what I needed to hear:  The last 4 words touched me to the core.

Angels Are Everywhere

The past week and a half has been rough to say the least.  I've felt physically and emotionally exhausted.  My body feels like it has been through the ringer.  I hurt when I eat.  I hurt when I don't eat.  I've gained a few pounds, mostly by the many liters of fluid I've been filled with.  It couldn't be from what I'm putting in my mouth, because I've hardly done that for 4 weeks.  I'm so tired that my suitcase is literally where I left it when I returned home a week and a half ago.  I did remove the dirty clothes and put them in a basket, which is now overflowing.  But I just have not felt well enough to do anything with them.  I'm hoping in the next few days that will change.

Let's back up to 2 Saturday's ago when I did feel well enough to attend Anne Of Green Gables with my Aunt Leslie and my cousins.  We had been planning this for a while and I wasn't going to miss it.  We had the best time at this tiny theater in the country.  Plus these ladies are angels to me and I love them dearly. 

The next evening as I was trying to eat I was sitting at my bar and I noticed a picture I have of my Grandpa Swensen on my fridge.  At that moment I felt his arms around my shoulders and knew he was with me and helping me through this journey.

Thursday I continued to have horrible abdominal pain.  I not only had cramping in my upper abdomen, but I also had what felt like surgical pain.  Thursday evening my Bishop and Melanie stopped by.  In our conversation I told them that I felt I wasn't ready to leave Earth.  That I didn't feel like I have done all that I needed to do.  But Bishop reassured me that I have.  He asked me if I had a testimony and I said yes.  It was interesting as I sat in the hospital reading my scriptures one night that I read this verse, "Nevertheless, ye are blessed for the testimony which ye have borne is recorded in heaven for the angels to look upon; and they rejoice over you and your sins are forgiven you. And now continue your journey." D&C 62: 3-4.  This was very reassuring to me and gave me great comfort.

The pain through that night became so excruciating that it woke me several times.  I kept thinking to just wait it out until morning and then I'd call Dr. D and she would admit me to the hospital.  A few days before this, my neighbor had sent me a text saying that she felt she should have let herself into my house to check on me.  At some point between my waking up at 2, 4, and 6 I heard someone in my house and thought it was her, but she never came into my room.  I suspect there was an angel watching over me, helping me through the night, as it was easy for me to fall back to sleep between episodes of pain.  It may have been my Grandpa Young trying to find his way through my kitchen.  I don't know, but I like to think that. 

I called Dr. D's office just after 8 and the phone lines sent me to the on call line.  I told them my issues and Dr. D immediately called me.  I told her of my pains and she agreed an admission was necessary.  She called me back after checking for beds.  They were all full, but a few rooms were opening that morning at St. Joes.  Melanie was suppose to pick me up Friday morning at 11 to take me for more fluids.  I sent Melanie a text letting her know that I'd call her when a bed opened up.  Meanwhile, my friend Huyson called me and asked if she could bring me a drink from Jamba Juice.  It was just the juice and tasted so good.  She visited with me for a while and then Melanie came over.  At one point I told them I had to get back in bed because of the pain and fatigue.  Huyson left and Melanie was going to be decided she was going to stay and read to make sure I was ok.

The hospital called around 1215 and told me they had a bed.  I was never so excited to have to go to the hospital.  You know me if I'm not dying I'm not going to an ED, let alone a hospital.  But I was beyond caring.  I just needed some relief.  The resident came in shortly after I arrived.  He could barely touch my abdomen without me having pain.  An x-ray was ordered to make sure there was nothing else like a perforation or obstruction, which there wasn't. On his way out, I did suggest that I hadn't had my TSH (thyroid) tested for a few months, but since I was off the Optivo which was causing the thyroid issues for the past 6 weeks you would have thought it would be out of my system.

I came across this picture and quote on Friday.  I put it on my instagram with the caption:
"This weeks plan was to pack and prepare to fly to Australia on Monday.  Instead I'm laying in a hospital bed with fluids and pain meds flowing at a constant stream.  Australia might just have to wait a day or two until I'm on the mend.  It has however given me some quiet time to contemplate the true meaning of this Easter week."   Huyson commented:  "I have been thinking about what you and I discuss often: what more there is for you to learn from your trials.  I decided it must be because the rest of us need to learn from your example of trial-bearing.  That hardly seems fair, I know!  Christ was perfect and yet he endured unthinkable trials for us.  I know I am becoming a better person from knowing you, and there is no doubt in my mind you are one of the best who ever lived."  I still can't read this without crying.  It is so humbling.

Saturday morning when the resident came in he told me the TSH was 97 and that he'd never seen one that high.  I informed him it had been 144 at Christmas.  This definitely explains the fatigue.  Dr. D came in that morning and agreed that we needed to double the synthroid.  Around noon the nurse came in with some steroid pills, which I wasn't happy about, because they always make me wide awake, which I should have been happy about.  Sunday morning Dr. D informed me that she was reading that Optivo could cause a colitis weeks after stopping it and to use steroids.  The crazy things was I didn't have any symptoms of the typical colitis which usually include diarrhea, high white count, vomiting and a fever.  Well those steroids worked and by evening I was feeling so much better.  I walked several times around the floor both days and even enjoyed a visit Saturday morning from Aunt Leslie and Uncle Gordon and an evening visit from my friends the Sondrups.

I informed all that I needed to be gone as early as I could Sunday morning because this girl needed to be at Easter Services.  I was out of the hospital a little after nine and even early for church to sing in the choir.  As I was being wheeled out of the hospital elevator I noticed a man walking like he was trying to find something and then he spotted me and looked at me.  I stared at him and recognized his face as the face of a friend of mine whose father recently passed away from lung cancer.  It was so mind boggling to me because I never met this man, but I have prayed for him and his family for many months.  I let this friend know of this experience and she wrote back saying, "He is our angel now. There is no doubt.  I had told him to watch after you before he passed." 

I have had so many angels both here and in Heaven watching over me the past week and a half.  I couldn't have done it without them.  I love this quote that I got in my email today,

"At times, the Lord’s answer will be, “You don’t know everything, but you know enough”—enough to keep the commandments and to do what is right." Elder Anderson

Isn't that so true?

I still don't feel fabulous, but I know that I will soon.  I'm praying that come Saturday when mom, dad and I fly to Melbourne that we will all feel well and have a joyous time.  (My mom was just as sick or worse than I last week with the flu and is finally slowly on the mend)  I called the airlines on Saturday night.  I'm sure I recognized the voice of the lady on the other end of the line.  I know I've talked to her before.  She was so patient, helpful and rearranged our trip and was able to use our flight credit from Sydney to Melbourne to add to the little that we had to pay for all of the changes.  What a blessing and an angel.  And dad is happy he is flying with mom and none of us are flying through Korea or China on our way back from Bali, but back through Sydney and LA.  I'm a little sad to miss several days in Sydney, but hey at least the entire trip isn't a flop.  I've learned since my diagnosis to let things go, don't ask why and to just go with it.

A few more quote's that really helped me this week:

I love, love, love this last quote.  It has brought me so much peace and understanding this week.

I've decided it's a good idea to stop all treatment until my next scan in late June or early July.  Who knows, maybe the small nodules that haven't been treated with radiation will resolve on their own.  I did ask Dr. D about the mass on the kidney and she said she didn't think it was cancerous as it has been there through all of the scans and hasn't enlarged.  That gave me some relief.  As long as I'm not having any back pain I'm good.  I am so happy that the radiation has taken the back pain away. And I'm so grateful for the many angels in my life.  I have been so blessed to have calls, texts, flowers, rides, meals, prayers, support and everything that I needed this week.  In fact today a sweet friend brought me dinner.  I cried as I opened the door because of the love that I have felt from so many.  When I opened the containers and saw all of the fresh vegetables I was in heaven.  My body needed those nutrients so badly and was so happy to have them. 

I wonder sometimes why the cancer wasn't caught earlier or why I came to Arizona.  These ladies are not only my angels by my dearest friends.  When I think of why Arizona, I know it was to have them and many others bless my life.
 
I love my nieces and nephews.  I especially loved the pictures I was sent this weekend.  Today Aidree Face timed me.  She was so funny telling me that her mom was looking for her chocolate bunny, but that she hid it in her backpack.  Great way to not let mom eat your candy while you are at school!

On To The Next One

In early March I had another ct-scan.  This was done a few weeks earlier than planned.  I've been having horrible lumbar spine pain, different than the tailbone pain which has since resolved.  I've actually have had this lumbar pain since the holidays, but had just chalked it up to traveling.  In early February I started having this pain continuously and it worsened.  At this time I also developed complete numbness to the anterior aspect of my right thigh.  It's especially annoying when I feel the need to scratch my leg but don't feel any relief when I do scratch it.

The only idea I ever have that my tumors have increased in size is back pain.  And so I wasn't surprised when Dr. D told me the immunotherapy wasn't working and that the tumors had grown, especially the one in my right iliac crest wing and a new one was in the stomach, one around the pole of a kidney and one at the base of my left lung.  I tried really hard not to cry when I heard the news, but I was completely devastated.  I had hoped so much that this treatment would be the one that would shrink the tumors.  Dr. D wasn't as hopeful as she has been in the past.  Basically she said to me, "You ultimately know the outcomes of this disease" as she handed me a copy of the CT-Scan results.  She is a good doctor, but treats me more like a colleague than a patient. 

The options she gave me were to try a PARP inhibitor which has been very promising in BRCA positive patients.  I'm BRCA negative, however there is a 20% chance this will work in BRCA negatives.  The other option was start weekly IV chemo, one that she offered would take my hair.  Um, that isn't an option.  The bald part isn't so bad.  It was the growing it out that was awful.  And if I'm going down, I'm going down with my hair.  Call me vain.  So we are on to the next treatment with hopes it will be the one that will dissolve the tumors.  Given that I'm going to be traveling a bunch in the next 3 months I opted for the PARP inhibitor.  Dr. P mentioned this treatment when I saw him at Mass General.  When I left Dr. D's office I felt like my time was dwindling and that I really needed to get my affairs in order, which I do need to do regardless.

I cried several tears that day along with Lauren and my parents.  I'm so grateful they were with me.  But then we dried our tears and set out to do some shopping.  I was sure I'd cry myself to sleep that night, but I didn't even shed a tear.  That night as many other times over the past nearly 4 years I felt an incredible sense of peace and comfort.  The prayers of so many were answered and have been answered as I've been able to carry on my daily routines (with the exception of a hard workout because of the pain.)

Last Tuesday, regardless that my insurance doesn't want to cover the PARP inhibitor because I'm not BRCA positive, the drug company sent me 2 weeks of treatment which I started.  That night I broke out with hives.  My awesome neighbor found me some benadryl from another neighbor and after a few days the rash cleared up.  But what hasn't cleared up is the awful metallic taste that I have when I drink water.  I love my water bottle and drink a ton of water every day.  I have found however that adding crystal lite helps this problem as well as peppermint tea.  This treatment is so new that Dr. Dan has never even used it.  We looked up the side effects and 39 percent of people get dysgeusia or alteration of taste.

I started thinking that if the presacral mass, which actually shrunk 9mm on this scan, from the radiation I had in the Fall that it could help with the mass on the iliac crest.  I'm pretty sure this is what is causing the back pain because it is on the same level as the back pain.  Plus it is pushing on the artery and the nerve, which is causing the numbness to the thigh.  So I made an executive decision and made an appointment with Dr. Q.

This past Friday I returned to Boise for my scheduled appointment with Dr. Dan.  He is so optimistic and every time I leave his office I feel that I have several years to live.  He tells me we have yet to run out of options.  He also didn't feel that the spot near the lung was cancer.  That was reassuring.  He was impressed that I had already made an appointment with Dr Q and told me he was going to run down and talk with her before I saw her.  She of course is super positive and felt another round of radiation would help with my pain.  Typically she likes to do radiation over a 5-6 week period.  I don't have that long.  In fact I told her I only had a week.  She said she could do that but would rather do it over 2 weeks.  Even the social worker Diane was involved and got my plane ticket change fee waved.  I LOVE St. Lukes MSTI.  The staff is incredible, sincere and they feel like family.  The feeling is completely different than in AZ, where the warm family feeling is definitely not there. 

The Rubaca (which is the PARP Inhibitor) has some side effects which include nausea, fatigue and anemia.  I'm eating a lot of red meat with the hopes I won't become anemic.  The fatigue and nausea I'm trying to combat this with probiotics, omeprazole, an occasional zofran and caffeine. 

I had my first radiation treatment late this afternoon.  I feel just fine for now, with the exception of some killer back pain.  Given I'm having three times the dose as typical I'm sure the side effects are right around the corner.  We are also radiating two other small masses that I can feel in my pelvis which drive me crazy, especially because when I found the one around my pubic bone in June it was tiny (and Dr. Dan brushed it off as scar tissue) and now it is close to a centimeter. 

And so the fight continues.  I haven't given up and I won't until I can't hang on any longer.  The research and medical professionals would say there is no hope for a cure and there likely isn't, but there are still options.  I hope it's this PARP inhibitor and I'm one of the 20 percent that it works on.  I still believe in miracles and hope for one.  When I read my scriptures each night, it's amazing how a verse or sentence will catch my eye that gives me hope and faith to keep hoping for that miracle. 

Saturday was the General Women's Broadcast from SLC which our church has every 6 months.  The first speaker talked about my favorite scripture, "Trust in the Lord with all thine heart and lean not unto thine own understanding.  In all thy ways acknowledge him and He shall direct thy paths."  Every time I think of this scripture I focus on the word trust.  She however focused on the word lean.  Sister Cordon said, "When we spiritually lean to our own understanding, we lean away from our Savior. If we lean, we are not centered; we are not balanced; we are not focused on Christ."  I just love this.  It gave me new insight into this favorite scripture of mine.

In the same conference Sister Burton said, "But I know and I believe that thou are the Christ the Son of God.  Sometimes we have to remember in Whom we trust; some One that loves us perfectly and wants nothing but the best for us.  We may not understand everything, but as we seek to follow His loving example, we will find the peace that we are seeking in our lives."

I often think of the many people I've been able to meet, the opportunities that have come my way and the characteristics I've developed over the past nearly 4 years.  And it's all because of a diagnosis of ovarian cancer.  It is in these thinking moments that the why questions are answered.  

Stake Conference and Testimony

This weekend we had Stake Conference for our church.  This entails approximately 10 wards which makes up a stake.  We have an adult session on Saturday evening and everyone on Sunday morning.  There are also leadership meetings on Saturday.  We have these meetings every 6 months.  I always come away from them feeling rejuvenated.

This weekend was no different.  We had presiding at our Stake Conference Elder Kevin Pearson a General Authority Seventy from our SLC.  It isn't often that we have leadership come from SLC to these meetings.  He gave an amazing talk last night and asked us to think about some pretty important questions.  Here are the main points of his talk:
1.  We can call upon the Lord in the name of the Son.  Pray more often.  Do you still believe the Lord will answer your prayers?  When you pray can you see and feel him?
2.  How often do you plead to have the spirit of the Holy Ghost with you.  When was the last time you plead with Heavenly Father to send the Holy Ghost to be with you?  The Holy Ghost can give you great comfort.  The language of the spirit isn't a spoken language.  Our native language is a spiritual language. 
3.  (There was a song sung called) Savior Redeemer of my soul.  He truly is that!  When we pass away, we are going to be stunned to know how intimately Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ were involved in our lives and were aware of us.  God will never leave us comfortless. 
4.  Be of good cheer.
5.  Now is not the time to give in, give up or give out.  You keep walking. You keep trying. There is help and happiness ahead.

After the meeting I was talking to some sweet sisters in my ward.  When our conversation was over I thought about going up to shake Elder Pearson hand.  But I really don't like doing those things.  So I walked out to my car.  I got half way there before turning around and going back in.  I did this twice before I finally went back into the chapel, where my Stake President motioned for me to come to the front.  He told me he wanted to introduce me to Elder Pearson.  He asked me my story and with tears I told him that I had cancer.  We had a conversation about faith, prayer and enduring.  He took me by the shoulders, looked in my eyes and said, "Keep fighting.  Don't you give up.  And don't you quit."  He then gave me a hug and kissed the top of my head.  I thought this was pretty neat and a spiritual experience.  He also asked me what I learned from the meeting.  It was that I needed to attend the temple more often.  The funny thing was the meeting wasn't even on that topic, but just the personal revelation that I received.

This morning as I was on the stand to sing with the choir and before the meeting, Elder Pearson came and gave me a hug and kissed me on the forehead.  After 4 speakers and a song, the Stake President got up and said before the concluding speaker, Elder Pearson, we would ask Sister Terah Young and the new Patriarch to bear their testimonies.

It was interesting that as I was sitting in the meeting that I was thinking of my testimony.  It was an incredible experience to share what I know with the congregation. I told them about my cancer and how when I was in the hospital my mom asked me if I wanted anything from home.  I asked her to bring a picture of the Savior, which she did.  Often I'd look at the picture and think to myself that no one could possibly know what I was going through.  But as I looked at the Savior it was as if He was looking back at me telling me that He knew exactly what I was going through.  I testify that the Atonement if more than just for sin, but that the Savior also bore our heartaches, our disappointments, our emotional and physical pains.

I testify that Joseph Smith was a prophet.  That at the age of 14 he went into a grove of tree's in Palmyra, NY in 1820 to pray to know which church to join.  I testify that Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ appeared to him telling him to join none of them.  In time they taught him of the church which replicated the same church when Jesus Christ was on the earth and he brought this forth in our time.

I testify that Heavenly Father hears and answers our prayers.  I don't know how He hears so many prayers but I testify that He does.  It is quite possible that He has different ears than we do.  I told them about Aidree's prayer last week and how it touched my heart in knowing that He hears the prayers of all of his children.

I testify that the Book Of Mormon is Another Testimate of Jesus Christ.  I know that as we read from it's pages daily we will come closer to Christ.  After returning home from 15 days in the hospital, I opened my Book Of Mormon to where I had left off.  It was Mormon chapter 9.  In this chapter it talks about prayer, miracles and faith.  I remember weeping knowing that Heavenly Father was aware of me and my situation and had answered my prayers through His words.

I testify that we have a Prophet President Monson.  That he leads this church under the direction of our Heavenly Father.

I testify that family's can be together for eternity.  And I testify of the power of the Priesthood.

Elder Pearson then spoke about faith during adversity.  In his talk he said, "I know one person in this congregation who puts her faith in the Savior even among adversity; (he turned to me and said) our sweet Terah."  It was pretty special that he saw my faith in my Savior in only just meeting me.

Most of his talk was taken from a talk he gave in 2009 General Conference entitled, Faith In The Lord Jesus Christ.  You can read it HERE.  It was amazing.

Here are some favorite quotes from his talk:
~Faith comes in many forms, levels and degrees.
~It takes a greater amount of faith to succeed in adversity.
~When we learn to trust in God it is as if we are focusing and accessing great power from Heaven.
~When we pray with real intent we can come to know God.
~Adversity is the trail of our faith and trust. Those who survive adversity put their trust in Heavenly Father.
~Press forward saints with steadfast faith in Christ and trust in the promised of our Heavenly Father.

After the meeting He talked with me two other times.  He told me that it was his idea to have me speak.  He also told me that he wanted to keep in touch with me and gave me his email.

My stake president told me that my talk couldn't have been better if I'd had the chance to prepare it ahead of time.

I now have the energy to keep doing what I need to do to overcome this illness.  Yes it is hard at times, but I know I can accomplish what I have been sent to this earth to do.  I've been sent to be tested, and that is just what is happening.  It is my goal to pass that test.

Last weekend, This Past Week and Good News

Last weekend I had such fun spending it with my cousin Misty and her darling 6 kids.  We attended football and volleyball games, laughed and sat around and talked while eating peanut mms.  Her sister Amanda also joined us from time to time.  It was so fun.  Her daughter had her senior night and I'm glad to have been a part of it.  It was even better that they won. 

We were able to listen to the General Womens Conference which our church holds every 6 months.  I feel as if the Lord was speaking directly to me through his leaders.  It was exactly what I needed to hear.  I was given specific answers to my heartfelt prayers.   Here are some of my favorite quotes,

I only stayed at the clinic until Tuesday morning because my pain was unbearable and I didn't feel it was helping me.  Thankfully they didn't charge me because they said they always make people feel better.  Tenielle and Jory came and picked me up that afternoon.  We stopped in Brigham City for dinner and to see the temple since I had never seen it up close.  I was grateful for the peace I felt just being on the temple grounds.

I returned to Phoenix on Thursday.  It is always so good to be home.  A friend of mine had a flood in her parents home.  Because they were out of town, I was so happy that I was able to serve her and help her out.  I love the feelings I have of love when I serve. 

Wednesday I was told that the insurance company denied the claim for Immunotherapy, but Thursday afternoon I got the call that they approved Dr. Dans appeal.  The drug company also agreed that I could have it for 25 dollars each treatment.  I'm humbled and grateful to Heavenly Father for answering my prayers.  I will start immunotherapy next Friday!

Friday I met up with Nicole at a radio station to talk about OVC.  It was awesome and such an incredible experience.  We then met up with Michelle for lunch.  I sure love these girls.  I was excited to tell them about my idea for a recipe book.  I hope to incorporate some recipes from their mom and other women who've had OVC.  You can listen to the news segment HERE.

Good News/Bad News

I have a lot of fun things to blog about from the last few weeks, but I'm going to save that for later.  I unfortunately have to inform you of my labs, CT scan results and what's happening in the next month regarding this ridiculous cancer that just won't go away....

This morning I saw Dr. Dan.  I could tell by his demeanor when he walked in my room that things weren't great.  But they aren't bad, just not what I was hoping for.  

Good News:  All of my labs, except the CA-125 are all normal.

Bad News:  Ca-125 is up from 42 to 47.  It's really only up 11 points from normal, so not super bad.

Worse News:  The pre-sacral mass sitting just above my tailbone grew 6mm.  

Good News:  The pre-sacral mass isn't really causing me much pain.

Bad News:  The red devil chemo isn't working.

Worse News:  I've got sores in my right inguinal region that are side effects from the chemo and giving me horrific discomfort.  I started an antibiotic for them today.

Good News:  The mass by the left iliac crest that I thought was the same size as the pre-sacral mass, is actually only 1.5 cm and hasn't changed in size.

Good News:  I'm not going to be sick this weekend since I didn't have chemo today.  

Good News:  We are going forward with the clinical trial called the Match Trial.  Basically this is how it will go down:  I had more blood work and an EKG done today.  Wednesday morning I'll undergo a needle biopsy, likely from the left iliac crest.  This will be sent off to see if it matches a specific gene that has a specific treatment.  If it matches I'm in and will be given that treatment.  This would be fantastic and I'll likely be on the medicine which is oral until it stops working or forever.

Surgery is also an option to remove the pre-sacral mass.  It is a specialized surgery where they also do an intra-operative chemo treatment.  Even though they say this is experimental, they've been doing it for at least 10 years with good results.  The best place to do this on the West Coast is in San Diego.  While I'm waiting the 3-5 weeks to see if I'm eligible for the MATCH study, I'll go to San Diego for a consult.  

The other option before surgery would also be to start on an oral daily chemo called Procytox.  The major side effect is fatigue.  Dr. Dan did also discuss a few more chemo options with me, one included the first chemo that I did, but these chemo's would make me lose my hair.  I really don't want to go down that road again.

Bottom Line:  Even though I've been on Chemo for over a year, my tumor hasn't responded to it.  Which means in the past year the tumor has really only grown at the most 2 cm.  This is good in the fact that it must be slow growing.  It isn't like I have cancer all over and I'm dying today.  I live with cancer, just like other people live with high blood pressure and diabetes.  And to be honest as a health care professional, there are worse things to live with than ovarian cancer.

It's hard to understand why Heavenly Father hasn't answered my prayers to be healed by this chemo.  I still believe He is listening to me and is aware of me, but I also know that He see's the bigger picture that I can't see.  I believe that I'm not just the one who is learning and growing through this trial, but that there are many around me who are learning and growing because we are going through this trail together.

Tonight Troy brought his kids over while him and Becky went to the gym.  Tears sprang to my eyes when they ran to me and hugged me.  They have no idea of the Dr. appointment that I had today.   They asked me why I was crying.  I told them it was because I was so happy to see them.  I want to be alive to watch my sweet nieces and nephews grow and become the incredible people that I know they will be.  It makes me cry even more to think that this might not be in my future.  In our dinner prayer tonight as 4 year old Stella said it while she walked back and forth through the kitchen, she said "Bless Aunt Terah that her cancer will go away."  This is the same prayer that all of my nieces and nephews and friends children are saying all over the country.  I have faith in these prayers and know that they are heard and will be answered according to the Lords will. 

I am so very blessed to have such an amazing army of supporters, all of who pray for me daily.  I'm especially grateful for the unexpected relationship that has come into my life over the past 5 months.  HM is incredible!  We both believe there is a purpose that we met when and how we did.  It doesn't make sense otherwise.  We don't believe this was just a coincidence, but that the Lord had a hand in us meeting.  I know there has got to be a small or large sense of fear in him.  We had a wonderful conversation last week about having faith and not fear.  Since that conversation I've let go of some of the fear that I was holding on to.  As I was discussing Dr. Dan's visit with HM this morning, he reassured me that there is a solution to this problem, we just need to be patient, keep being positive and to have hope that the solution will come.  Any other man would have wanted me to get lost when he found out my history, but not him.  He makes me want to fight even harder.  I can even cry in front of him and he lets me without making me feel insecure or like I'm weak.

I've discovered in life the secret is to never give up.  Never let a stumble in the road be the end of my journey.  Stay faithful and keep going.

I saw this quote today, which summed things up perfectly,

And so we continue to wait, hope and believe in the Lord's timing and plan, while having incredible faith and patience that the future will be great and wonderful.  President Monson said it best, "The future is as bright as your faith."

Sabbath Answers

Over the past 20 years I've had countless prayers answered in the very place I'm suppose to be on Sunday's.  Today was no different.  I felt the spirit in each of my church meetings today.  In Sacrament a young man talk about the importance of anchoring a boat on shore to prevent it from moving in a wind storm and compared this to anchoring our testimonies on Christ for when the wind storms come into our lives.  Another talk was on service, especially when we are feeling down.  And the last talk was on missionary work, specifically being member missionaries.

In Sunday School the lesson was on Hope and Faith, two of my most favorite topics.  It seems over the past few months my faith has been tested more, given my circumstances.  It is hard for me to understand why after 13 months of chemo I'm still not in remission.  I hope (or expect) and have complete faith in Heavenly Father that I will be healed.  I keep having to remind myself that Heavenly Father has a different time table than I do.  I was reminded in Alma 32 that before I have hope and faith that I must first be humble.  It was a concept that I think I've always overlooked in this favorite chapter of mine from the Book Of Mormon.  As I sat in Sunday School I had to ask myself if I truly was humble.  I hope that I am, but know that I still need to work on this characteristic.  I love Alma 32:21, "And now I said concerning faith-faith is not to have a perfect knowledge of things; therefore if ye have faith ye hope for things which are not seen, which are true."  I have hope and faith that even though I can't see the chemo working in my body, that it really is working.  Clearly on the scans and the blood work recently we haven't seen the change we are hoping for, but after 4 treatments of this new chemo, come August 24 I hope we see that change. But if the change that I'm hoping for doesn't come I still believe I will be healed, it just may mean it will be through some other treatment.  In my prayers I am very specific that my doctors will be guided to the treatment that will shrink my tumors.  It seems like a simple request, but one that I have great faith and hope in.

Alma 34:17-27 have always been some of my most favorite scriptures teaching us to pray or cry unto the Lord for every minor and major thing in our lives.  Verse 17 states, "Therefore may God grant unto you, my brethren, that ye may begin to exercise your faith unto repentance, that ye begin to call upon his holy name, that he would have mercy on you...At the end of the chapter it say's, "I would exhort you to have patience, and that ye bear with all manner of afflictions...But that ye have patience, and bear with those afflictions, with a firm hope that ye shall one day rest from all of your afflictions."

My take away from this:  be humble, have hope, faith and practice being patient.  I'm pretty sure I've been practicing characteristics for over the 3 years I've been dealing with OVC, but I must need more practice to master them.  It seems at times the last 3 years have flown by and other times it seems to be creeping.

I had the great privilege of teaching all of the young women today.  My lesson was on Taking upon ourselves the name Jesus Christ.  I so much enjoyed the remarks and participation from these amazing girls.  They are starting school tomorrow and it was the perfect lesson for them as they embark on a new school year.

I started out with a talk entitled "What Have You Done With My Name" by Melvyn Arnold.  He says, "Each week as we partake of the sacrament, we covenant and promise that we are willing to take upon us the name of Christ, always remember Him, and keep His commandments.  If we are willing to do so, we are promised that most wonderful blessing-that His Spirit will always be with us...Someday each one of us will have to account to our Savior, Jesus Christ, for what we have done with His name."

Most of my lesson was from a talk entitled Being a More Christian Christian by Robert. D Hales.  In this talk he asks the question, "What kind of Christians are we, in other words, how are we doing in our quest to follow Christ?"  We talked about Christlike qualities and how we can strengthen them within ourselves.  These included the following:
Christian Love, Christian Faith, Christian Sacrifice, Christian Caring, Christian Service, Christian Patience, Christian Peace, Christian Forgiveness, Christian Conversion and Christian Endurance to the End.

Looking at this list, I have come to realize there are definitely plenty of things I need to work on so that I am more Christ-like.  I definitely have a long way to go.

I ended my lesson from the ending of the first talk, "Before you act, picture the Savior standing at your side and ask yourself, 'Would I think it, would I say it, or would I do it knowing He is there?' For surely He is there."

I sent the girls home with the following quote which I love

At the end of this Sabbath Day, I'm feeling uplifted and ready to tackle a new week, to find ways to serve others, be humble, increase my faith, hope, patience and to be a better Christian.

Homebound Again

In 3 hours I'll be homebound again!  I'm happy to go home for many reasons...
-I'm meeting HM there tomorrow.  I'm excited to share him with my family, even though I'll be honest that I'm completely freaked out at the idea of taking him home.  I've found it's easier to keep guys from my family if it doesn't work out.  However, I am excited to spend several days with him.
-We are going to spend plenty of time out at the pool because the weather is going to be fantastic.
-We will of course attend the Snake River Stampede, a tradition we have had in our family since forever.
-We are going to one of my favorite plays in the mountains; Seven Brides for Seven Brothers.
-I get to cuddle, kiss and snuggle with my nieces and nephews.
-Of course we can't forget chemo, seeing Dr. Dan and hoping it's working.

Last night I had what I'm sure was a partial bowel obstruction.  I've had them before and each time they bought me an NG tube, which I didn't want.  I was in such horrible pain that I was seriously contemplating a trip to the ER, which you know me, working in one definitely makes me not ever want to be a patient in one.  Thanks to a few of my girlfriends and my parents prayers, the pain let up and I'm feeling much better this morning. 

Sometimes I feel like my prayers aren't being heard and answered in the way I am expecting them, but then I have moments like I had last night where I really needed prayers answered immediately and they are.   It is then that my faith is strengthened and I can't help but remember that Heavenly Father is listening to me.  This morning I read this quote that hit me to the core and was a good reminder to me to keep the faith no matter what. 

Blessings

I'm not going to lie, I've definitely let some tears fall this week.  The beginning of this week was not easy, but as I start a new week I'm taking in a big breath and pressing on, especially as I look forward to Wednesday when I get to go home.

This past week was rough in so many ways.  Mostly because I have been in an extreme amount of discomfort.  So much so that I've actually been taking a half of a pain pill at night and Motrin all day just to get some relief.

Tuesday I started to develop a cold sore on my nose, only the fifth time I have had one in my life and always on my nose.  Apparently my body thinks I'm under a little bit of stress.

Monday I got word that my company is going to end their contract with the ER and Urgent Care I work at in the coming months, something I'm super sad about because I love the company I work for.

But even among the storms that seem to be unraveling before me, I'm so easily able to see the many blessings in my life.

Some how, some way I woke this morning without pain.  I've been waiting for it to start back all day, but it seems to be gone.  I know that this can only be a blessing from my Heavenly Father.  He has heard my pleadings.  But I'm sure even more that He has answered the prayers of my dear mother.

As soon as I saw and felt the cold sore start I sent a text to one of my PA friends who called in a prescription for me.  2 pills in 12 hours and a day later it was almost gone.  Such a blessing, given my immune system is low and my body should have a hard time fighting any kind of infection.

I had a telephone visit with one of my company's VP's this week.  She let me know that whatever happens in the coming weeks that I will still have health insurance and disability insurance and that I'll be taken care of.  A huge blessing indeed, especially since I got new windows put in my house this week; an expense I should have waited on.  She also offered me a job in Denver, California, NC or wherever else they have openings.  However since I just bought a house in AZ, I have little desire to move for a job right now.  I have many options and am grateful for the experience I have and the knowledge that the Lord will guide me to what is best for me, whether that means staying on with the new group or moving on to something else.

I found out this week that I've hit my max out of pocket of $2250.  It wasn't hard to meet with a few chemo treatments.  However, I also learned that my $1250 deductible is also included in the max out of pocket, which is another blessing.  The rest of my medical care for this year will be paid for by my insurance.  What a blessing, especially if another surgery is in my future.

Blessings are all around us.  Sometimes it's hard to see the blessings when we feel bogged down, but they are there.  I'm so grateful that even though I get discouraged at times that I know Heavenly Father is with me.  Sometimes I'm sure at times He is even carrying me.  Many times I see the blessings come from the support I have from family and friends.  I've had several phone calls, text messages and emails this week by loved ones just checking in on me.  They mean so very much and help make things easier. 

Just like the turtle, I'm learning in life that slow and steady does win the race.

 Last Sunday I had a lovely dinner and visit with my cousin Deborah and her family.  How grateful I am for my relationship with her and the support she gives me along with all of my other cousins, friends and relatives.

Endure

This week I had the distinct opportunity to hear Elder Holland from the quorum of the 12 apostles speak at a fireside for single adults 30+.  I sat in the middle of the 2nd row right in front of the pulpit. It was awesome to listen to him speak for an hour.  He looked in my eyes at least twice which was so neat.  He spoke about broken things and how we all at times feel broken.  But he also talked about how we will be made whole through the atonement and the resurrection.  My favorite quote was "endure and save yourself for days of happiness ahead."  I'm living proof that there is always happiness and better days ahead.  No time was ever worse than when I was first diagnosed with OVC, spending 15 days in the hospital with a tube in every orifice.

Today in Stake Conference our Stake Presidency each spoke on this same topic of enduring.  I felt that all of these talks were a gift from Heavenly Father to me, answers to my prayers which gave me a little more hope and faith as I head towards yet another chemo treatment on Tuesday.

I'm grateful to report that the pain I was having a month ago is gone.  This to me means the chemo must be working.  I have been extremely tired and fatigued over the past 2 weeks.  I don't have much of an appetite, feel nauseated often and have even been too tired to work out, which drives me nuts since I was doing so good with working out every day before chemo.  

The past week I've been dealing with a kidney infection, but seem to be feeling better today since the antibiotics have kicked in.  Sometimes I want to whine and complain, but that won't make this better. Last night I had a patient who was autistic and the mother told me she had 3 other children who had autistic tendencies.  She was so patient with her daughter and it helped me realize my trials are minimal in comparison to hers.  

Some of my favorite quotes from Stake Conference:

~When trials come ask, 'what can I learn from this experience,' don't ask why me.  

~The Lord expects us to press on.  After tribulations come the blessings.  Never give up the goal to press forward towards your eternal journey.  

~No one is immune from the adversaries presence.  The primary objective through our trials is to become changed.  We will be humbled as we go through our trials.

~Accept the blessings that we don't want.  Don't reject the blessings we don't want.  When blessings don't come immediately we either turn towards or away from the Lord; Turn towards Him.  Heavenly Father's blessings are a great paycheck.

~We can feel God loves us in our suffering.  He is there because we can feel him.  When prayers aren't answered as quickly remember this question, To whom will we go?

~If there was not a God, there wouldn't be hope.  

~God seeks our individual happiness.  

~We become Gods by doing Godly things.  

~To have faith in Heavenly Father, we must trust Him.  With His help we can succeed.  Trusting God will bring us great blessings.  Trust that He knows what is best for us.

Here are a few more quotes that spoke to me in different places:  

"If we will just put our faith and trust in our Lord, knowing we don't understand everything that happens in our life, and remember to thank Him for the many blessings we do have, He will show us the way.  Now, it might not happen on our timetable, but I know that Heavenly Father has a plan for each one of us." Sister Maynes CES Fireside

"The question is not whether we will experience seasons of adversity but how we will weather the storms."  Dieter F. Uchtdorf.

I think that say's it all.  I must whether this storm and hope and pray that it goes away soon and most of all have trust in Heavenly Father and his plan for me.  I want so badly for this cancer to  just go away, but I really am learning that I am strong and can do hard things.  There is always someone who has it harder.

More Chemo

I'm sad to report that I started experiencing tailbone/back pain about 3 weeks ago.  This is the same pain I've had the past 2 times I've had to have chemo.  My chemo holiday of only 2 months was not long enough.  Monday the discomfort was almost more than I could tolerate.  I had emailed Dr. J last week and never heard back from him.  I emailed him again on Monday and he finally emailed me back Tuesday.  Monday I called Dr. Dan's office knowing he wouldn't be in until Tuesday.  When I didn't hear back from him and was super uncomfortable while trying to sleep on Tuesday night, I finally got up and emailed him.  He sent me a message Wednesday morning telling me to call and come see him, which I got right on it Wednesday morning.

I had my monthly CA-125 last week which was 31 up from 28, but still in the high normal range.  But the symptoms largely out weight the numbers.  So Wednesday I saw Dr. Dan and was put on another Chemo treatment called Doxyl.  Dr. P wanted to put me on this last summer, but one of the side effects is hair thinning, which I didn't want then and don't want know but I'd rather be out of pain.  It is slower acting and only once a month.  All 3 oncologists agree this is the next treatment.  The treatment only takes a few hours which is so much better than the last ones that take all day.  I've been a little tired, had some nausea, but for the most part the pain is worse than the side effects.  It is most uncomfortable to sit, but the worst is to lay on my back.  Sometimes the heating pad works, but I've been having to resort to pain medicine, especially at night.  Dr. Dan has had to convince me to take pain meds and reminds me that I have cancer and it's ok to treat the pain and no I won't become addicted if its just for pain.

This is so hard for me to understand why after the many prayers and fasting my family, myself and many friends and strangers have said that I have yet to have been blessed with the miracle we are all hoping and praying for.  But I keep reminding myself that I need to have patience and trust in the Lord.  I have faith that there is a treatment that will destroy these cancer cells.  We just have to find out which one it is.  It is my hope this is the one.

Today I read one of my favorite scriptures that says, "Draw near unto me and I will draw near unto you; seek me diligently and ye shall find me; ask, and eye shall receive; knock, and it shall be opened unto you." D&C 88:62-63.  This scriptures makes it sound so easy and I'm doing all that it says.  I have great faith that Heavenly Father hears all of our prayers and he will answer them in His timing.

President Eyring just 2 weeks ago in General Conference taught, "All of us have had our faith tested by precious blessings delayed, vicious attacks of those who wanted to destroy our faith, temptations to sin, and selfish interest that reduced our efforts to cultivate and soften the spiritual depths of our hearts...If you listen with the Spirit, you will find your heart softened, your faith strengthened, and your capacity to love the Lord increased."  He then quotes this scripture:  "Wherefore, be of good cheer, and do not fear, for I the Lord am with you, and will stand by you; and ye shall bear record of me, even Jesus Christ, that I am the Son of the living God, that I was, that I am, and that I am to come." D&C 69:4-6.

How can I be discouraged after reading those quotes?  They give me the spiritual medicine I need to keep moving forward, to increase my faith and hope and to continue to believe in miracles.

Finally...FF

1.  This week was crazy going back and forth with the mortgage company.  First they said I could close later this week, then it was I couldn't close until March 31.  Yesterday they wanted a letter from my work regarding my hours and starting back to work, etc.  I don't know what my dear friend in HR wrote to them, but after the letter was sent I got word that my loan was approved.  This means I will close next week.  I was worried about having to move out the last day of the month.  I will now have a few extra days to get things moved out.  By the way, I hate moving; totally despise it.
2.  Monday I met with the cabinet guy.  It took forever for him to measure and such, but I finally got an estimate that is in my budget, so much so that I think I'm going to redo the kitchen and both bathrooms.  I'm especially excited for the slotted cabinet for my platters above the fridge and my pots and pans drawer.  My friend Jennifer was such a help that day with picking the colors and adding her experienced kitchen makeover advice.  These are the kitchen cabinets.  I really wanted gray, but did chose gray for the guest bathroom and a dark cherry for the master.  All of the rooms have different tile, which means different cabinets.  Now time to choose the granite.

3.  I had a snow cone date this week! It was a fun 2 hours, too bad he lives in Seattle.  I might have to take more trips to Seattle in the future.
4.  Poor Kirt had a major flood on his land and house from all the rain last weekend.  I felt helpless, but kept myself busy gathering fun things for a box of sunshine that I sent him.  I always love getting surprise mail.  I'm sure he will as well next week.

5.  For YW on Wednesday we put together 12 days of Easter kits.  I think the girls had an enjoyable time doing it and I hope their testimonies of the resurection are increased.  It was an idea I had from an activity we did when I was in YW.  The leaders thought I was so cool to have thought of it, sadly it wasn't my idea.
6.  I'm back to work in full force.  In the last 2 days I've seen 100 patients.  46 yesterday and 54 today.  My feet are feeling it tonight too.  It was almost a 14 hour day today and then add the 40 minute drive there and back and I should be able to sleep great tonight.
7.  Tonight Alisha decided to drive from Boise to Phoenix with her kids for Spring Break.  It will be fun to have them here.  Unfortunately I have to work 3 of the days they will be here.  But we will have fun nonetheless.
8.  It's finally strawberry, mango, blackberry and blueberry season.  Still waiting for the raspberries.
 9.  I like these quotes I stumbled upon this week.

March's First Fabulous Friday

1.  It's Spring here in Phoenix which means the smell of citrus blossoms are in the air.  I love this smell which only occurs for about 3 weeks each Spring.  It always seems to be closer to the end of March for citrus blossoms, but since we've had record temps in the 90's, it's not surprising.  I actually went out to the pool for a few hours this week.  The water was freezing, but the sun was warm.
2.  Sunday I taught Young Womens for the first time.  The lesson was on why the choices we make matter.  I think it went pretty good, except that I only had 25 minutes for 40 minutes worth of material.  I went to choir practice and dinner at my Bishops; which was delicious.  Then onto New Beginnings.  It's been over 20 years since I was in YW.  I must admit it's going to be quite an adjustment from Primary.
3.  I've spent most days this week doing house stuff.  I'm so excited for my new home.  I've decided instead of getting all new cabinets that I'm going to just change out the doors and drawers.  It's way cheaper and is going to look just like new.  I'm still trying to decide on which granite.  I had to send documents to the mortgage company and it all will go to underwriting on Monday.  It could be possible that I may close next week.  That would be perfect, since I have a major leak from my garbage disposal in my apartment and I can't wait to get into my house.  First things first though; packing=gag.

Looking for granite.

4.  I cycled twice this week.  First time since I was diagnosed in June.  It felt so good.  I also went hiking with my friends.  At one point I didn't think I'd make it to the top.  I told them to go ahead of me.  They got to the top and then turned around and went back up with me.  What a sweet gesture.  It was quite the hike, but felt so good.
5.  Alisha talked Tenielle and I into joining a health challenge.  Basically only sugar once a week, exercise 5 times a week, 5 fruits and vegetables daily, keep a food journal and drink at least 60 ounces of water a day.  I do all of those anyway, except the sugar.  Well, in 1 week from not eating sugar I've lost 2.5 pounds.  This challenge is for 8 weeks.  I'd love to lose 2.5 pounds each week which would be 20 pounds in 8 weeks and would mean I'd be back to my normal wardrobe that hasn't been used since I've been going through this dang cancer.  I've totally been into cabbage lately, especially Thai Salads.
6.  I worked this past Monday.  It felt so good to be back to work, even though when I got there, a big bowl of candy sat on my desk.  I immediately put it elsewhere, so it didn't tempt me for my 7 hour shift.  I also got my first paycheck from last week's shift.
7.  Last night for RS we put together kits for the homeless.  There are so many people on the streets here.  It will be nice to have something that I can give them, where they are staring at me while I sit at a light.  I took them with me today, but didn't see a single person on the street corners; so unusual.
8.  I hit a shoe jackpot today!  My feet have been super sore because of the chemo.  I ordered a pair of shoes that I got this week in the mail, which have a nice arch and help, but I wanted more and some that were more than just flip flops.  On my way back from the IRS (because I had to get documents for my house) I stopped at what I thought was a regular Dillards.  To my surprise, it was a Dillards Clearance center.  I have the hardest time finding 5 1/2 shoes.  Well, not today.  I got 4 pair of shoes.  2 pair of Vionic Orthoheals, a pair of Dansko's and another cute pair of shoes.  Oh, and 4 dresses all for $150.  I didn't even make it through half of the store.  I'm definitely excited about my Summer dresses and Summer shoes, since it is always Summer-like here.

9.  This week was Dr. Seus week.  My cute niece dressed up for Cat In The Hat Day.  Isn't she a doll?  I sure think so.   I love her facial expressions.

 10.  Baby Graham is getting so big.  I think he is so darling.  Sure wish we didn't live so far from each other.  It is fun to get Monday photo's from his mom though.

11.  Tenielle got offered a director position this week (still working for the state, but a different department and not at the capital).  Currently she is the Financial Manager for the Governors office.  But she loves what she is doing now.  We've talked a lot about it this week.  It sounds like she is going to take the position.  She is good at whatever position she holds.
12.  My favorite quote of the week, actually it's a scriptures, "Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer."  Definitely my theme these days.
12.  Sunday-Tuesday I'll be visiting Kirt in New Orleans!  We dated in grad school and have awesome chemistry together...to be continued!  I want to re-create this photo from 2003 when I visited him last.  He took me to this great seafood mom and pop place where I had the best shrimp and my first oyster.  We looked so young, but I guess it was 12 1/2 years ago.