Chemo/Cancer Update

Friday was an exciting day, well as exciting as it comes when chemo and cancer are involved.  My CA-125 went from 55 to 35.  But the masses have not shrunk since the last scan in April.  At least the pain has subsided for the most part.  Dr. Dan is AMAZING.  He gives me the biggest hug when he enters the room and when he leaves.  I truly believe he has my best interest in mind and is working hard to make me well.  I will see Dr. Cooper (my surgeon) on Friday to see what she thinks about the masses.  For now we have decided to keep doing chemo and hoping that the next few treatments will shrink the tumors.  Dr. Dan says the longer I do the treatment the worse the side effects will be and it is the hope that the chemo will shrink the tumors. 

This red devil chemo has made me ridiculously ill this week.  Yesterday was bad, so bad that I didn't have any energy to brush my teeth (I know disgusting, but really I was afraid I'd puke again) or take a shower.  I vomited up the breakfast that I ate, even though I ate super slowly.  I don't know why this chemo makes me so nauseated, but it does.  I absolutely hate to puke.  It's got to be the worst thing.  This is now 2 months in a row that I've vomited from the chemo.  My bones hurt so stinking bad and the crazy pain in my eyes make it so bad that I don't even want to open them.  I'm grateful for medications that do help with these side effects, but for the most part I've been sleeping off and on for the last few days.  I am feeling a little better today, but not nearly back to normal.  I'm hoping tomorrow I'm back to normal since my sisters and nieces will be here.  We have big plans for the weekend and I want to feel better.

Tumor

I got the results of my CT scan this week.  Not the news I was hoping for but not surprised.  When compared with the scan from November the tumor is now 1.3 cm larger.  This means I have a 4x3cm mass that I'm sitting on.  The good news is there isn't any new growth.

It's difficult for me to understand why all those months of chemo didn't shrink this tumor as I thought it had.  I mean it did some, but it has grown since.  I'm super hopeful that the chemo I'm on now will kill the tumors completely.  If not, there is a huge potential that I'll have to have it removed and have a colostomy the rest of my life.  That would be awful.  However today when I was at the Indian Medical Center (because I'm going to start working a few shifts when I can) one of the new providers was telling me that she has a friend with one who lives in Alaska and she is able to hike, bike, swim and do everything anyone else can do.  I still don't want one and hope and pray Heavenly Father provides me with the miracle I'm seeking.

The other good news is the echocardiogram was normal, which I knew it would be.  We will have to have the heart checked from time to time because this chemo can enlarge the heart.

As far as side effects, this chemo has been easy in comparison to previous.  I have been rather tired, but I refuse to take a nap except for on Sundays.

My next chemo treatment will be May 3 when my friend Lauren will be here visiting.  I'm so excited to see her and have her visit.

Idaho Fun

Last week was such a fun time with my family in Idaho.  We spent nearly every day together as a family.  It was nice to not be in a rush and to be able to relax.  It seems that the only times we are together for an entire week is around Christmas, which is always crazy.  The unexpected week for Jeannes funeral brought us together at the perfect time.  Spring was in full bloom all around us and the weather was absolutely beautiful.

After the funeral on Monday Stella came over to play with Aidree and Bridget.  It is so fun to watch them develop friendships.  I'm who I am because of my cousins and the relationships we have together.  Of course later in the evening everyone else came over to mom and dads.  We have so much fun just being together.

Tuesday we all got our hair cut.  Tristen really cut hers and finally donated it!  Thanks girl.  It is cute. When I lost my hair to chemo I missed being able to get my hair done with my sisters.

Afterwards, we had lunch at our favorite Flat Bread and our cousin Des and Uncle Robert joined us.  The kids always have fun making pizza and watching them cook.  I won't mention how many times we had a fiasco with spilled chocolate milk, but I'm sure they will be mopping up that sticky mess for weeks to come.

Wednesday I read Dr. Seuss to my nieces

And then I had chemo.  Thankfully it wasn't so bad.  And of course hugs and a good cry always make it better.

That evening I felt good enough to teach the kids how to play kickball and we had fun playing a little volleyball, even though the balls kept being hit over into the pool area and I had to be the one to fish them out from the middle of the closed pool.  This evening was the best.  It was a beautiful evening and we all enjoyed sitting out on the porch chatting and watching the children.

We even got a picture of everyone smiling.

Thursday morning my brother Tony took me to the hospital to have an echocardiogram and a CT Scan.  I have yet to get the results.  It was fun to spend some time with him.  

Several times throughout the week we walked down to my grandparents to clean things up and to restock the pop fridge that grandpa always had full for us and our friends when we would come over.  When I was restocking the fridge, I swear I felt grandpa standing behind me, especially as I stocked it with coke.

Friday we got ready for Saturday morning.  We had a surprise baby shower for Danielle.  It was so fun, except the chemo side effects of nausea kicked in right as everyone was coming so I spent most of it in bed.  She got a bunch of really cute things.  We are so excited for another baby girl to join our family.

 We sure love our Grandma Betty.

Saturday evening we had a family party at Grandpa and Grandma Jeannes.  It was exactly how they would have wanted it; pizza, soda, licorice, rootbeer floats, conversations on the patio and some games of badminton and crochet.  The games didn't really happen, but the kids used the crochet game pieces in their backyard adventures.  My grandpa always had a beautiful yard.  I think he'd be disappointed that it has gone downhill.  This evening was one of my favorites while I was home.  It was fun to chat with cousins and siblings. 

That evening Tanner's girlfriend presented me with the most beautiful painting that she has been painting since October.  This girl is getting ready to apply to medical school so she is busy, but she made the time to think about me.  I love how she depicted OVC awareness and my love for MVY.  It looks awesome in my bedroom.  That night Tony's girlfriend also made me a fun OVC box of goodies with balloons and a sweet card from my family.  I'm such a lucky girl to have such an amazing support team.  I love them each dearly.

Sunday Tristen, the girls and I headed home.  Oh what fun we had and the memories we made.

More Chemo

I'm sad to report that I started experiencing tailbone/back pain about 3 weeks ago.  This is the same pain I've had the past 2 times I've had to have chemo.  My chemo holiday of only 2 months was not long enough.  Monday the discomfort was almost more than I could tolerate.  I had emailed Dr. J last week and never heard back from him.  I emailed him again on Monday and he finally emailed me back Tuesday.  Monday I called Dr. Dan's office knowing he wouldn't be in until Tuesday.  When I didn't hear back from him and was super uncomfortable while trying to sleep on Tuesday night, I finally got up and emailed him.  He sent me a message Wednesday morning telling me to call and come see him, which I got right on it Wednesday morning.

I had my monthly CA-125 last week which was 31 up from 28, but still in the high normal range.  But the symptoms largely out weight the numbers.  So Wednesday I saw Dr. Dan and was put on another Chemo treatment called Doxyl.  Dr. P wanted to put me on this last summer, but one of the side effects is hair thinning, which I didn't want then and don't want know but I'd rather be out of pain.  It is slower acting and only once a month.  All 3 oncologists agree this is the next treatment.  The treatment only takes a few hours which is so much better than the last ones that take all day.  I've been a little tired, had some nausea, but for the most part the pain is worse than the side effects.  It is most uncomfortable to sit, but the worst is to lay on my back.  Sometimes the heating pad works, but I've been having to resort to pain medicine, especially at night.  Dr. Dan has had to convince me to take pain meds and reminds me that I have cancer and it's ok to treat the pain and no I won't become addicted if its just for pain.

This is so hard for me to understand why after the many prayers and fasting my family, myself and many friends and strangers have said that I have yet to have been blessed with the miracle we are all hoping and praying for.  But I keep reminding myself that I need to have patience and trust in the Lord.  I have faith that there is a treatment that will destroy these cancer cells.  We just have to find out which one it is.  It is my hope this is the one.

Today I read one of my favorite scriptures that says, "Draw near unto me and I will draw near unto you; seek me diligently and ye shall find me; ask, and eye shall receive; knock, and it shall be opened unto you." D&C 88:62-63.  This scriptures makes it sound so easy and I'm doing all that it says.  I have great faith that Heavenly Father hears all of our prayers and he will answer them in His timing.

President Eyring just 2 weeks ago in General Conference taught, "All of us have had our faith tested by precious blessings delayed, vicious attacks of those who wanted to destroy our faith, temptations to sin, and selfish interest that reduced our efforts to cultivate and soften the spiritual depths of our hearts...If you listen with the Spirit, you will find your heart softened, your faith strengthened, and your capacity to love the Lord increased."  He then quotes this scripture:  "Wherefore, be of good cheer, and do not fear, for I the Lord am with you, and will stand by you; and ye shall bear record of me, even Jesus Christ, that I am the Son of the living God, that I was, that I am, and that I am to come." D&C 69:4-6.

How can I be discouraged after reading those quotes?  They give me the spiritual medicine I need to keep moving forward, to increase my faith and hope and to continue to believe in miracles.

Finished Chemo Again

I never thought I'd be writing a blog post about finishing chemo once, let alone twice in 2 1/2 years.  Remember I thought I was due for another cycle of chemo after finishing last weeks?  When I went to have chemo on Monday it was decided because I've been in the normal range for 2 cycles that we would finish the 8th one and then do a PET scan in 4 weeks to see if there is any sign of cancer.  I had gotten an email from Dr. P in Boston last week who was wondering how I was doing.  Him and Dr. Dan agreed that I only needed 2 rounds after my CA-125 was in normal range.  Even though it is 25 which is in the high normal, it is felt that we are just chasing a number.  I was thrilled with this decision.  I really was about at my whits end with chemo.  I'm hoping and praying that when I have the scan on February 8 that there will be no signs of cancer.  Will you keep praying for me and this result?  My work won't let me go back to work until my PET scan is normal.  I'm so ready to go back to work and get on with my life.  

In church today my friend and RS president spoke.  She referred to a talk by Elder Bednar who was quoting Elder Maxwell when he had cancer.  In my personal opinion, Elder Maxwell was one of the greatest speakers, even though he sometimes was hard to follow because of his deep thoughts.  Elder Bednar says, "During the course of our conversations that day, I asked Elder Maxwell what lessons he had learned through his illness. I will remember always the precise and penetrating answer he gave. “Dave,” he said, “I have learned that not shrinking is more important than surviving.”

Elder Bednar continues, "In his October 1997 general conference message, entitled “Apply the Atoning Blood of Christ,” Elder Maxwell taught with great authenticity: “As we confront our own … trials and tribulations, we too can plead with the Father, just as Jesus did, that we ‘might not … shrink’—meaning to retreat or to recoil (D&C 19:18). Not shrinking is much more important than surviving! Moreover, partaking of a bitter cup without becoming bitter is likewise part of the emulation of Jesus” (Ensign, Nov. 1997, 22).

'Elder Maxwell’s answer to my question caused me to reflect on the teachings of Elder Orson F. Whitney, who also served as a member of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles: “No pain that we suffer, no trial that we experience is wasted. It ministers to our education, to the development of such qualities as patience, faith, fortitude and humility. All that we suffer and all that we endure, especially when we endure patiently, builds up our characters, purifies our hearts, expands our souls, and makes us more tender and charitable, more worthy to be called the children of God … and it is through sorrow and suffering, toil and tribulation, that we gain the education that we come here to acquire” (quoted in Spencer W. Kimball, Faith Precedes the Miracle"' (I've quoted this before because it is one of my most favorite quotes.)

Elder Bednar goes on to tell a story about a young man who got the devastating diagnosis of cancer shortly after he was married.   He quoted this young man who said, "I knew that having faith—at least in my circumstance—was not necessarily knowing that He would heal me, but that He could heal me. I had to believe that He could, and then whether it happened was up to Him."

This quote really touched me as tears slid down my face after my friend quoted this, I realized that maybe the reason I had to go through this again was to teach me that even though I have the faith to be healed, I also need to have the faith that what ultimately happens is up to the Lord.

This same friend visited me this week on a day I hadn't showered and had mostly spent on the couch.  (Let's just say I wasn't looking my best.)  In her talk she shared the conversation we had that day.  I had told her that I felt like I needed to serve more and asked her who needed my service.  Her response was not what I had expected.  She said something like this, "Your service to many is the testimony you bear and the example you are to do hard things.  So often we think that in order to serve people we think we need to bring in a meal or provide some manual service.  But the service you give to our ward is the person you are and how you have endured your trials."

I was completely taken back by this response and humbled.  I look around me and see so many others going through much harder trials than I am going through.  I often wonder why I had to go through this again, but I know that it is wasn't all just for me.  I also have learned that the trials we go through aren't always just for those around us, but for me and you and everyone so that we can become closer to Christ through serving.  I've had so many people serve me from taking me to chemo, to bringing me meals, but mostly for including me in their daily and family prayers.  I'm ever so grateful for the faith and prayers of so many friends, family, children and strangers.  My dad gave me a blessing when I went through cancer the first time and in it he told me that I needed to have faith in the prayers of those who were praying for me.  I've taken this advice to heart and have great faith that my simple prayers are heard, but the prayers of many are what has healed me. 

And so I wait for 3 weeks to have my PET Scan and blood tests, with hope that my faith to be healed will be seen on the Scan and that I will have a long healthy, happy, successful, service filled life.  I know what I want, I have the faith that He can heal me, but whether I'm healed is ultimately up to Him.    

December Update

I love December.  I don't love the cold, but I love an occasional snow storm, fires, hoodies, herbal tea and blankets.  But most of all my favorite thing about Christmas and December is the music.  I don't think there is anything that invites the Christmas spirit than music.  I've been listening to Christmas music for months and I'm not one bit ashamed of it. 

After having chemo on 11/30 I spent a few days on the couch enjoying all of the above mentioned.  And then mom, dad and I got in the car and headed to Salt Lake City.  SLC has to have the most beautiful lights of any city.  That evening, even though I wasn't feeling 100%, we met the kids at the Cheesecake Factory.  While waiting for our table in walked a guy I was friends with on FB but hadn't met in person.  This guy was the one who made the incredible piano cd for me that I listened to nearly every night when I was diagnosed with OVC 2 years ago.  What I didn't know was that my sister had invited him to have dinner with us.  What he didn't know is that he was going with us to the Jim Brickman concert.  These were great surprises for both of us.  I was even more surprised when he handed me a cd that he had made for me with some of my favorite songs which my sisters had informed him of.  I love this cd just as must as I love the other one.  What an amazing pianist he is.  I'd even say he is just as good as Jim or better.  The concert was an early Christmas present from mom and dad.  We all enjoyed it so much.

The next day I spent a few hours chatting with my friend Shelley M and later that evening with my friend Jenny.  I know I've said it before, but I've been blessed with so many incredible friends whom I just love. 

Saturday morning I flew to Charlotte for a week.  I love my friends there and tried to see as many of them as I could.  Nick picked me up from the airport and we headed downtown where we met Rachel and her aunt for dinner at LaPiano's.  We later attended the Charlotte Symphony's Christmas Concert, which is a tradition that Nick and I have.  It didn't disappoint as usual. 

Nick dropped me off at Laurens where I stayed for a few days.  Sunday we attended church where I got to see Mama Middlebrook and other friends!  We had dinner with Laurens in-laws and watched the Panthers win yet another football game (they are now 14-0).  We are all hoping they go to the Superbowl. 

Monday my friend Michael stopped by for a time and then we met another of my friends from work at Amelies. Later that night I had dinner with other's that I use to work with.  I love these friends of mine.  We have spent many days, nights, weekends and holidays together.

The sweetest nurse ever did mention that I was a bad _ss when I worked in the ER.  I assured her that my time as a cancer patient has softened me and given me compassion.  However, I will admit that ER did harden me a bit.

Tuesday Lauren and went to see Emma's new house.  I love it!  She has totally remodeled her new (older) home.  It is so cute and she is so talented.  We also did a little Costco shopping. 

That afternoon I went to Nicks and we had dinner at his grandmothers who made us a lovely southern meal.  So yummy.

Wednesday Lauren and I hit the mall.  I bought a darling, fancy red dress for an upcoming event at Tj Maxx for 20 bucks.  Talk about a steal.  We then hit Vera Bradley where I hit the jackpot of course.  For lunch we had to visit my favorite Sushi place of all time.  I was in Heaven.  Lauren has introduced me to sugar free lemonade from Chik-Fil-A.  I can't get enough of it and lucky me there is one down the street from my house in Phoenix.  Is sugar free lemonade better for you than Coke Zero? 

Wednesday night we had our cooking class.  Oh, it was such fun and we made some delicious food.  I'm even going to try my hand at the pork roast for Christmas dinner.  We did have a flop with our cream puffs, kind of disappointing, but the recipe was all in weight not cups. 

Thursday we had lunch with more of our girlfriends.  Yes, all I do with my friends is eat and chat.  What else would we do?  That evening I stopped of for a chat with my friend Angela and then went to a RS activity and visited with more friends before Nick came and picked me up from Laurens.

Friday I studied most of the day and then Nick and I had dinner with Steve and his wife.  We had such a lovely time catching up.  We also went to the church where they had several nativities set up and live music. 

Saturday I went to the Ovarian Cancer Survivors Luncheon.  It is always fun to meet up with other survivors.

Sunday Nick and I visited grandma, went to church and then it was time for me to head back west. The weather was so nice the entire time I was in Charlotte, like 70 degrees.  I think the tree's were a bit confused at what month it was because I saw a tree in full spring bloom.

Last Monday I had an appointment with my surgeon.  He informed me that my gallbladder was chronically inflammed; really?  He did let me know there was no sign of cancer from what he could see with his scope; Hooray. 

Tuesday I took my recertification boards and was for sure that I bombed them, but yesterday I got my results that I passed.  Thank you to prayer and define intervention.  I actually did the best I ever have on them.  I don't have to take them now for 10 years. 

Tuesday I also spent time with Alisha and had my hair cut.  It is really cute and finally feels like a real style after 2 years.  I was getting tired of the mullet so I cut it off. 

Wednesday I had chemo.  My CA-125 was down from 37 to 32.  Only 5 points and kind of disappointing, but I'm hoping that next week when I have it again that it will be in the teens so that I will only have 4 more treatments left.  I'm not sure why but the last few treatments I haven't had any energy and have been so crazy tired.  I'm tired of all this chemo and cancer.

I did ask Dr. Dan if I could go back to work in January.  He told me no and that he didn't want me going back until the second week in March because of flu season.  I'm going to try to convince him otherwise.  I'm hoping he will let me work a few hours a week and only see trauma patients.  I have an email into him, we will see.  For my mental sanity I need to go back to work.  I miss it and the incredible people I work with. 

And this week, well It's going to be a great week when everyone finally gets here.