Until We Meet Again

Dear Kendra,

I'm so happy that we met during the Summer of 2014, after my initial diagnosis of OVC and while I was in remission.  We both worked as travelers in the small Martha's Vineyard ER.  You worked nights and I typically worked until 10pm, so you would often help out my nurse when we were busy and trying to wrap things up in our last 3 hours.  Also in this little ER from MVY was CJ our secretary.  CJ had been having treatment for OVC for several years and would come to work after treatments, working evenings with you.  I never could figure out why she didn't have many side effects from the chemo treatments. 

On my first day back in the MVY ER, Summer of 2015, you quickly found me to inform me that you had been diagnosed with Stage 1 OVC in February.  I was completely shocked; now there were 3 of us in this tiny ER diagnosed with OVC.  On my 3rd day back to work that Summer, I learned my remission had ended and I had a recurrence.  You comforted me many times that summer, telling me that I was strong and that I could beat this blasted disease.  The delicious desserts you brought to work allowed me to taste so much sweetness, even though the chemo restricted everything else.  I loved that you bought us each a teal bracelet, which I continue to wear.  Even though I spent several days that Summer having chemo, we made plenty of time on our days off to enjoy the beach. 

In April you called to tell me your remission had also ended and you had a recurrence.  I was sick to hear this, as I have continued to live with this disease.  Being Stage 1, you should have been in the 90% who never had to deal with this disease again. 

I can't quite put into words how I felt to get this news, but it was as if I was your older sister with the experience telling you what to expect and encouraging you as you went through surgery and started chemo.  I was devastated that you had to go through what I've been going through and felt some kind of protection for you, wishing you didn't have to experience losing your hair, having chemo side effects and the infamous scar that spanned the height of your abdomen.  

Even though I live on the West Coast and you were in NC, over the past 6 months we have had weekly, if not daily contact with each other.  I remember after having a phone conversation early into your diagnosis, thinking that maybe the reason I had to go through what I was going through was to be able to coach you through it.  You told me often that I helped you a lot over the past 6 months, but you are the one who has helped me.  Until you have a disease like we have, you never really know what it's like, but we understood the battle that we were facing. We knew exactly what it was like to live with a disease that potentially could take our lives, even though we were about not letting it stop us from having adventures, dreams, living and loving our lives.   You exemplified this quote I recently heard, "A critical question to ponder is “Where do we place our faith?” Is our faith focused on simply wanting to be relieved of pain and suffering, or is it firmly centered on God the Father and His holy plan and in Jesus the Christ and His Atonement? Faith in the Father and the Son allows us to understand and accept Their will as we prepare for eternity." Donald Hallstrom

In June, I was so excited to see you as it had been since August of 2015 that we had seen each other, even though we had tried to get together when you passed through Phoenix, but I was out of town and also when I went to Hawaii, but you had left a few weeks before I arrived.  And every time I visited NC, you were off on another assignment away from home.  June 22 was a very happy day and we hugged like we hadn't seen each other in forever, which we hadn't.  I got to meet your amazing parents, who I think were as excited to meet me as I was to meet them!  Your parents were a little reluctant to let you go as it was the first time you had driven since your surgery, but you and I headed off for an adventure together with several other OVC survivors at a retreat in Boone.  We talked all the way there; it was as if there had been no time between our visits.  We both needed this retreat; a time to relax, have fun and enjoy the beauty around us.

As roommates, we didn't sleep much.  The beds were hard and we each had a hard time sleeping.  You would get up and then I would and then you would and then I would.  Needless to say, by the time we went home we needed a vacation from our vacation or just a good nights sleep.  We had such a great time though, a weekend that I will always treasure.  We will always be part of the Teal Rose Society!  

There was a time in August when you called telling me how you were not happy one bit with how things were going at Duke.  You especially were ticked when the attending was talking to you in front of the intern about being a DNR.  You informed her that you knew that this was a deadly disease, but you did want to be a full code. 

Labor Day weekend, we were both in the hospital.  And even shared pictures of us both with NG tubes, one of the worst things ever to be experienced.   (I'll keep those pictures between us).  Your ever contagious smile, was even shining in that photo.

I will never be so grateful that I was able to visit you on September 28, even though it was a detour from my travels.  I wasn't about to miss an opportunity to see you if I was on the East Coast.  It was a day that I will never forget.  I had told you for the past few months, that I wanted to come be with you, even if it was to just sit next to your bed and hold your hand.  There was so much peace in your room as we talked and at times sat in silence.  You gave me a good laugh when you told me you didn't like your nurse that day.  I told you to fire her then!  Of anyone, you knew what a great nurse is, because you were an amazing nurse.  When I left you that day, I was for sure it wasn't the last time.   I've been praying every day for 6 months that you would recover, that the doctors would be guided to the treatment that would be best for you and that you and your family would be able to endure this trial.  As I hugged you and we kissed each other's cheek, you whispered in my ear, "I Love You."  And I said the same as tears trickled down my face.

Tuesday I was at Disneyland when I received word that your sweet, caring, loving spirit, left your body to move onto your heavenly home.  Even though on August 25, you sent me a text saying, "I feel like I'm dying," shocked is an understatement of how I felt; I was so hopeful that you would get better, that we would attend other OVC camps together as we had talked about.  I shed several tears as I sat in the park, but then it was as if you whispered to me, "Get your butt up girl and enjoy this place; don't let my passing get in your way of having a good time."  And so I did, with constant thoughts of you and your family in my mind.

Later on Tuesday I also learned of the passing of our friend and co-worker CJ who passed over the weekend.  I'm not going to lie that I feel a little bit of survivors guilt, but I'm so happy that neither of you are alone, but are together in Heaven. 

When I arrived back to my hotel, I cried like I haven't cried since being told my cancer was back.  I cried for your family, for your parents who love you dearly and I  remembered the letter from your dad that you shared with me in Boone and the love that he had for you.  I cried for the adventures you won't be able to take, but I remembered that your life was one huge adventure.  I cried for your many friends who will never be able to enjoy your joyous laughter, but remembered all of the pictures that you posted with your many friends on your adventures.  I cried for the patients who will never be able to have you as their nurse and then remembered the patients who were lucky enough to benefit from your caring touch.  I selfishly cried, because I'll never be able to hug you and laugh with you again, but I remembered the hugs we shared and the memories we've made together.  But I cried even harder because complications from this stupid, silent killer of a disease took you too early, leaving a void that will never be filled again, but I remembered the impact you've had on more lives than you can possibly imagine.

Today I thought of you as I woke, knowing that your body will be layed to rest.  I thought of you as I dressed and how you always looked so elegant, whether it was in a cocktail dress when going out for the evening or just wearing scrubs or active wear, you always looked beautiful.  I prayed for your family at the time I knew your funeral was beginning, since I wasn't able to be there to hug them and cry with them.  Today I've thought of your faith and the love you had for Jesus Christ and our Heavenly Father, knowing you've been in their loving embrace now for 5 days.

I selfishly hope that you and CJ will fight for me on the other side, that you will continue to be my cheerleader as I continue to live with this disease that unluckily struck us, but which brought us a relationship that no one else had as we have endured the pain and discomfort that comes along with OVC, but has also strengthened our faith in our Heavenly Father and His love for us His daughters.

I promise that I will never forget you, that I will continue to raise awareness of this disease, even if it is just talking about it to a stranger on an airplane.  I will always remember your birthday, your death date and every Summer I'll remember the 2 incredible Summers we spent making memories with so many friends and co-workers together on the Vineyard.  I know that it wasn't just a coincidence that we met only a few short years ago, but that the Lord's hand was in the details.  I truly believe this quote by Thomas S. Monson,  "There is a guiding hand above all things. Often when things happen, it’s not by accident. One day, when we look back at the seeming coincidences of our lives, we will realize that perhaps they weren’t so coincidental after all."  And this by Ronald Rasband, "The Lord’s hand is guiding you. By “divine design,” He is in the small details of your life as well as the major milestones. As it says in Proverbs, “Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; … and he shall direct thy paths."  You my friend were definitely not a coincidence, our paths were directed by the Lord.  Until we meet again...

Love Me

My sister in law painted this picture of the park in Oak Bluffs, where the MVY hospital is located.  It hangs above my bed and to me now represents  Kendra, CJ and me, our OVC trial and our love for the Vineyard!