Until We Meet Again

Dear Kendra,

I'm so happy that we met during the Summer of 2014, after my initial diagnosis of OVC and while I was in remission.  We both worked as travelers in the small Martha's Vineyard ER.  You worked nights and I typically worked until 10pm, so you would often help out my nurse when we were busy and trying to wrap things up in our last 3 hours.  Also in this little ER from MVY was CJ our secretary.  CJ had been having treatment for OVC for several years and would come to work after treatments, working evenings with you.  I never could figure out why she didn't have many side effects from the chemo treatments. 

On my first day back in the MVY ER, Summer of 2015, you quickly found me to inform me that you had been diagnosed with Stage 1 OVC in February.  I was completely shocked; now there were 3 of us in this tiny ER diagnosed with OVC.  On my 3rd day back to work that Summer, I learned my remission had ended and I had a recurrence.  You comforted me many times that summer, telling me that I was strong and that I could beat this blasted disease.  The delicious desserts you brought to work allowed me to taste so much sweetness, even though the chemo restricted everything else.  I loved that you bought us each a teal bracelet, which I continue to wear.  Even though I spent several days that Summer having chemo, we made plenty of time on our days off to enjoy the beach. 

In April you called to tell me your remission had also ended and you had a recurrence.  I was sick to hear this, as I have continued to live with this disease.  Being Stage 1, you should have been in the 90% who never had to deal with this disease again. 

I can't quite put into words how I felt to get this news, but it was as if I was your older sister with the experience telling you what to expect and encouraging you as you went through surgery and started chemo.  I was devastated that you had to go through what I've been going through and felt some kind of protection for you, wishing you didn't have to experience losing your hair, having chemo side effects and the infamous scar that spanned the height of your abdomen.  

Even though I live on the West Coast and you were in NC, over the past 6 months we have had weekly, if not daily contact with each other.  I remember after having a phone conversation early into your diagnosis, thinking that maybe the reason I had to go through what I was going through was to be able to coach you through it.  You told me often that I helped you a lot over the past 6 months, but you are the one who has helped me.  Until you have a disease like we have, you never really know what it's like, but we understood the battle that we were facing. We knew exactly what it was like to live with a disease that potentially could take our lives, even though we were about not letting it stop us from having adventures, dreams, living and loving our lives.   You exemplified this quote I recently heard, "A critical question to ponder is “Where do we place our faith?” Is our faith focused on simply wanting to be relieved of pain and suffering, or is it firmly centered on God the Father and His holy plan and in Jesus the Christ and His Atonement? Faith in the Father and the Son allows us to understand and accept Their will as we prepare for eternity." Donald Hallstrom

In June, I was so excited to see you as it had been since August of 2015 that we had seen each other, even though we had tried to get together when you passed through Phoenix, but I was out of town and also when I went to Hawaii, but you had left a few weeks before I arrived.  And every time I visited NC, you were off on another assignment away from home.  June 22 was a very happy day and we hugged like we hadn't seen each other in forever, which we hadn't.  I got to meet your amazing parents, who I think were as excited to meet me as I was to meet them!  Your parents were a little reluctant to let you go as it was the first time you had driven since your surgery, but you and I headed off for an adventure together with several other OVC survivors at a retreat in Boone.  We talked all the way there; it was as if there had been no time between our visits.  We both needed this retreat; a time to relax, have fun and enjoy the beauty around us.

As roommates, we didn't sleep much.  The beds were hard and we each had a hard time sleeping.  You would get up and then I would and then you would and then I would.  Needless to say, by the time we went home we needed a vacation from our vacation or just a good nights sleep.  We had such a great time though, a weekend that I will always treasure.  We will always be part of the Teal Rose Society!  

There was a time in August when you called telling me how you were not happy one bit with how things were going at Duke.  You especially were ticked when the attending was talking to you in front of the intern about being a DNR.  You informed her that you knew that this was a deadly disease, but you did want to be a full code. 

Labor Day weekend, we were both in the hospital.  And even shared pictures of us both with NG tubes, one of the worst things ever to be experienced.   (I'll keep those pictures between us).  Your ever contagious smile, was even shining in that photo.

I will never be so grateful that I was able to visit you on September 28, even though it was a detour from my travels.  I wasn't about to miss an opportunity to see you if I was on the East Coast.  It was a day that I will never forget.  I had told you for the past few months, that I wanted to come be with you, even if it was to just sit next to your bed and hold your hand.  There was so much peace in your room as we talked and at times sat in silence.  You gave me a good laugh when you told me you didn't like your nurse that day.  I told you to fire her then!  Of anyone, you knew what a great nurse is, because you were an amazing nurse.  When I left you that day, I was for sure it wasn't the last time.   I've been praying every day for 6 months that you would recover, that the doctors would be guided to the treatment that would be best for you and that you and your family would be able to endure this trial.  As I hugged you and we kissed each other's cheek, you whispered in my ear, "I Love You."  And I said the same as tears trickled down my face.

Tuesday I was at Disneyland when I received word that your sweet, caring, loving spirit, left your body to move onto your heavenly home.  Even though on August 25, you sent me a text saying, "I feel like I'm dying," shocked is an understatement of how I felt; I was so hopeful that you would get better, that we would attend other OVC camps together as we had talked about.  I shed several tears as I sat in the park, but then it was as if you whispered to me, "Get your butt up girl and enjoy this place; don't let my passing get in your way of having a good time."  And so I did, with constant thoughts of you and your family in my mind.

Later on Tuesday I also learned of the passing of our friend and co-worker CJ who passed over the weekend.  I'm not going to lie that I feel a little bit of survivors guilt, but I'm so happy that neither of you are alone, but are together in Heaven. 

When I arrived back to my hotel, I cried like I haven't cried since being told my cancer was back.  I cried for your family, for your parents who love you dearly and I  remembered the letter from your dad that you shared with me in Boone and the love that he had for you.  I cried for the adventures you won't be able to take, but I remembered that your life was one huge adventure.  I cried for your many friends who will never be able to enjoy your joyous laughter, but remembered all of the pictures that you posted with your many friends on your adventures.  I cried for the patients who will never be able to have you as their nurse and then remembered the patients who were lucky enough to benefit from your caring touch.  I selfishly cried, because I'll never be able to hug you and laugh with you again, but I remembered the hugs we shared and the memories we've made together.  But I cried even harder because complications from this stupid, silent killer of a disease took you too early, leaving a void that will never be filled again, but I remembered the impact you've had on more lives than you can possibly imagine.

Today I thought of you as I woke, knowing that your body will be layed to rest.  I thought of you as I dressed and how you always looked so elegant, whether it was in a cocktail dress when going out for the evening or just wearing scrubs or active wear, you always looked beautiful.  I prayed for your family at the time I knew your funeral was beginning, since I wasn't able to be there to hug them and cry with them.  Today I've thought of your faith and the love you had for Jesus Christ and our Heavenly Father, knowing you've been in their loving embrace now for 5 days.

I selfishly hope that you and CJ will fight for me on the other side, that you will continue to be my cheerleader as I continue to live with this disease that unluckily struck us, but which brought us a relationship that no one else had as we have endured the pain and discomfort that comes along with OVC, but has also strengthened our faith in our Heavenly Father and His love for us His daughters.

I promise that I will never forget you, that I will continue to raise awareness of this disease, even if it is just talking about it to a stranger on an airplane.  I will always remember your birthday, your death date and every Summer I'll remember the 2 incredible Summers we spent making memories with so many friends and co-workers together on the Vineyard.  I know that it wasn't just a coincidence that we met only a few short years ago, but that the Lord's hand was in the details.  I truly believe this quote by Thomas S. Monson,  "There is a guiding hand above all things. Often when things happen, it’s not by accident. One day, when we look back at the seeming coincidences of our lives, we will realize that perhaps they weren’t so coincidental after all."  And this by Ronald Rasband, "The Lord’s hand is guiding you. By “divine design,” He is in the small details of your life as well as the major milestones. As it says in Proverbs, “Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; … and he shall direct thy paths."  You my friend were definitely not a coincidence, our paths were directed by the Lord.  Until we meet again...

Love Me

My sister in law painted this picture of the park in Oak Bluffs, where the MVY hospital is located.  It hangs above my bed and to me now represents  Kendra, CJ and me, our OVC trial and our love for the Vineyard!

My Home Is Coming Along FF

1.  My mom flew to town last Tuesday.  It is always great having her here.  I worked 3 days while she was here, but I really feel that we got a lot accomplished while she was here.
2.  Here's a look at the kitchen and the master bathroom.  Still no sinks.  Brushing my teeth, washing the dishes and my hands in the tub is getting old and I still have another week or so without sinks.  I didn't like the gray bathroom cabinets, so I'll be switching them to the same as in the kitchen.  And mom and I decided to go with this quartz in the kitchen.  The other was too light.

3.  I finally was able to clean things up and put things in the cupboards, which eliminated most of the boxes that were in my breakfast nook.  It is so nice to have so much cabinet space.  Mom is trying to talk me into knocking out the pantry and expanding it.  Maybe in a few months when I've built back my savings account.
4.  Last Wednesday, I took Pediatric Advance Life-support and then mom and I did some shopping.  That evening I was also able to have a nice long visit with my friend Aubrey as she was visiting her parents.  I love that dear friend of mine.
5.  Sunday I gave a talk in church.  It has been a long time since I've done that, but I was grateful for the opportunity.  I feel it gave my ward members an opportunity to get to know me a little better.
6.  I had no idea until 2 days ago that Phoenix has so many amazing vintage antique stores.  I love vintage and have found some great buys including a drop leaf table like my grandma Young use to have.  (I'll have to take a picture of it).  I love this his and hers needle point rocker and chair that I got.  It adds so much character to my room.  And I'd never seen an old sewing box before yesterday, but it sure adds to the the chairs.  Oh and I love the rug that ties this room all together.  I'll take full pictures of the competed project soon.

7.  Isn't this little one just the cutest thing you've ever seen?

 8.  My friend and nurse Angela from MVY ran in the Boston Marathon this week.  She did it in just under 4 hours.  I'm so proud of her and loved that I was able to support her from clear across the county.  She ran in honor of childhood cancer.

 9.  My mom is the master picture hanger upper!  Thanks mom for your talents.  She had to leave me on Wednesday to go to Spokane and watch Tristens girls.  I'll save up for more projects when she comes again in the Fall, since I can't seem to convince her to come during the summer.

Cousin's Visit MVY

I was suppose to have chemo on Thursday, but given the lab called while the PA was in my room with "a  critical" which was mine being my WBC was 1.4 and my Neutrophils were 0.5, I was not allowed to have chemo.  I admit I was actually kind of happy about it.  If I would have had chemo I would have had a completely different weekend.  Dr. P called me on Thursday night and told me to stop working, that I couldn't afford to be around sick people.  Tomorrow I will be seen in Boise and hopefully my counts will be high enough that I can have the second treatment of the third round. 

So instead of being miserable over this past weekend, I made every moment count.  Thursday afternoon I spent with my friend Melanie out at her pool chatting and having lunch which included her lime/cucumber/mint drink which is my favorite.

Thursday night Alisha and her husband came to MVY.  I took them immediately to half price sushi, which I actually haven't had since last summer.  It was yummy, especially the mango and avocado roll.  I also had to show them what Backdoor Donuts is all about, even though I'm not really a donut fan.

I've been wanting to go to Nantucket since last summer, but never have gotten there.  Tenielle and mom went when they were here, but I was working.  Some friends from church took us to Nantucket on Friday morning.  It was the most beautiful day for a boat ride.  While we shopped and toured the town, Jason fished with our friend Bruno.

Saturday morning my cousin Kyrie who lives in NYC and her boyfriend Justin flew to MVY to join us.  We did a little shopping in town and then headed for the beach.  It was a perfect beach day and I loved finding shells and swimming in the ocean.

I took them for lobster rolls at Off Shore Ale for dinner.  For some reason I've lost my taste for lobster; darn chemo.  Jason and Justin enjoyed their first lobster rolls.  While my cousins were visiting I introduced them to the best ice cream on the island.  We shared a cone twice!

Sunday I had to say goodbye to my church ladies.  I will miss this little branch and the few cute kids we have in it.

I did a little visiting with people in the ER and Melanie, packed things up and then took my visitors on a little tour of Aquinna Cliffs.  We hiked down to the beach, which I have never done.  The waves were huge and the views were gorgeous.

Yesterday before we headed to Boston I got up early to watch the sunrise.  It was a bit cloudy, but so peaceful.

We left at noon to go to Boston.  Of course I couldn't leave here without going to a Red Sox game.  They played the Yankee's which meant the stands were full.  It was so much fun.  There were 2 home runs by Boston and they won.

Today we did a little touring of Boston before we came to the airport.

I'm so ready to be home.  It's been a fantastic summer, but I'm ready to be home.  I'm flying to Boise to have hopefully have chemo tomorrow.  We will go to SLC for the weekend and then Monday mom and I are flying to Phoenix.  Home can't some soon enough.

I'll Miss You MVY

I'm kind of missing my home this week.  It has been an incredible Summer in MVY even with the recurrence of Ovarian Cancer, but there is something said about being home.  I miss my beautiful, comfy bed.  I miss my cozy little recliner.  I miss my vitamix (even though my mom brought me a mini blender that works great for my spinach shakes).  I miss lifting weights and swimming at my gym.  I really miss my spin class.  I miss my Bosh and making homemade bread (and I miss Aunt Leslie's Bread).  I miss my normal meals like quinoa bowls.  I miss my favorite supermarket Sprouts and their super cheap delicious produce.  I miss my visits with my aunt and uncle, cousins and their children, especially at Sunday dinner.  I miss hiking with my girlfriend's.  I miss checking my little mailbox, even though I usually only get junk mail.  I miss having more than a suitcase of clothes to select from.  I miss my cute primary children.  I miss my kitchen with all of my cooking supplies and I'm sure there are many other things that I miss.

However when I leave MVY in less than a week, I will wish I was back here on this little island.

I'm going to miss living on the beach with my gorgeous view and the only bright, little yellow building on the island that I love, but don't even know what it is.

I will miss driving 1 mile to work.

I will miss walking to the super market.  I'm really going to miss my visits with my dear friend Melanie, our lunch time chats, her delicious cooking and her sweet friendship.

I'm going to miss my awesome nurses and providers that I've had the privilege of working with for 2 Summers in a row.

I'll miss the tree's, gorgeous landscapes, sand in my toes, crazy rain storms and humidity.

I'm going to miss the many kind people that come from all over the country and different parts of the world and hearing their stories of their lives away from vacation.  I'll definitely miss the trauma and the amazing team of professional's that I have worked with in ER.

Oh, yes and did I mention the bulls eye rashes from lime disease?  We see at least 50 tick bites a day.

I'm really going to miss the cute little boats, million dollar yachts and the beautiful sailboats which I can never get enough of, which makes me want to redecorate my guest room in a nautical theme.

I'm going to miss the gorgeous view of the ocean all around me.  I'll especially miss the absolutely beautiful sunsets and sunrises that allow for great reflections on the water and which have given me a sense of peace when I feel I can't handle another round of chemo.

This was tonight's sunset.  First time there wasn't a yacht parked there.

But most of all I'm going to miss being on vacation (even though I'm working I'm still on vacation) in a place where everyone else is also on vacation.  There's just something about this island that is so relaxing that if you haven't been here you will never understand, even though I've tried to paint you a picture of it all.  How I wish I could wrap all of the goodness of the island up and give it to each of you to experience the greatness that abounds here, ah that would be so fantastic, but I can't so you must just put it on your bucket list and come experience it for yourself!