"There is no true forgiveness without forgetting"

"So many of us are inclined to say we forgive, when in fact we are unwilling to forget. If the Lord is willing to forget the sins of the repentant, then why are so many of us inclined to bring up the past again and again? Here is a great lesson we all need to learn. There is no true forgiveness without forgetting." President Gordon B. Hinckley.

I am experiencing something in my life that I have never experienced and to go along with this, I am having a very difficult time gaining understanding. (However as I am re-reading this maybe the understanding that I am looking for comes in the following message.) I have learned that my way of dealing with these kind of issues for myself is to write about it. Does it make things better? For me it does and so I write. Five weeks ago words were exchanged at a late hour, probably too late to be rational and because of it my heart is aching more than I ever imagined; the hurt stems from the fact that the words that came from my mouth will not be forgotten even though I uttered those simple, yet profound humbling words,"I'm Sorry." My intentions that night were to not cause hurt feelings, anger, or irrational decisions or behavior, but it was taken as such and for this I am sorry for both of us. However, for me today as I partook of the sacrament, I could sense the love that our Savior has for not only me, but the person in my life that seems to be having some difficulty accepting my weaknesses and also my apology. I partook of the bread and water knowing that the Savior not only forgives both of our imperfections and sins, but that he doesn't remember them either. I love the scripture that says, "Behold, he who has repented of his sins, the same is forgiven, and I the Lord, remember them no more." Why then do we as human beings have such a difficult time not only forgiving each other, but forgetting or as the Lord says, remembering them no more? Growing up my mother always taught me to forgive, but as an adult I have learned to not only forgive but to forget. The above quote by President Hinckley sums up what I am feeling and gives me the perspective that all need to have when dealing with the disappointments others or ourselves have created.

I've never ever been a grudge holder, but I have according to my mother never been able to verbally apologize. She would be proud to know I have over come this fear of the verbal apology. I have learned that I feel as if the mistake, sin, or what have you is off of my shoulders, when I can truly tell someone that I am sorry for the feelings of hurt that I have caused. I learned years ago that if I am angry or unforgiving, that I am only hurting myself. Joseph F. Smith said, "I believe it is our solemn duty to love one another, to believe in each other, to have faith in each other, that is our duty to overlook the faults and the failings of each other, and not magnify them in our own eyes nor before the eyes of the world. We ought not to harbor feelings one against another, but have a feeling of forgiveness and of brotherly love and sisterly love, for another." President Spence W. Kimball said, "He who will not forgive others breaks down the bridge over which he himself must travel." And Jeffrey R. Holland said, "By dismissing the principles of repentance and forgiveness, we foolishly choose to make life more painful for ourselves."

Last weeks RS lesson has been with me all week. I have been so focused on it and my desire to follow President Monson's councel, that a week later I can't stop thinking about it. It was actually a talk given in the October 2009 Priesthood session. I could try to summarize, but President Monson says it so well that I will just quote some of my favorite sections of his talk instead, “Anger doesn’t solve anything. It builds nothing, but it can destroy everything.”2

We’ve all felt anger. It can come when things don’t turn out the way we want. It might be a reaction to something which is said of us or to us. We may experience it when people don’t behave the way we want them to behave. Perhaps it comes when we have to wait for something longer than we expected. We might feel angry when others can’t see things from our perspective. There seem to be countless possible reasons for anger.

There are times when we can become upset at imagined hurts or perceived injustices. “A man’s a fool who takes an insult that isn’t intended.”3
The Apostle Paul asks in Ephesians, chapter 4, verse 26 of the Joseph Smith Translation: “Can ye be angry, and not sin? let not the sun go down upon your wrath.” I ask, is it possible to feel the Spirit of our Heavenly Father when we are angry? I know of no instance where such would be the case.
From 3 Nephi in the Book of Mormon, we read:“There shall be no disputations among you. . . .For verily, verily I say unto you, he that hath the spirit of contention is not of me, but is of the devil, who is the father of contention, and he stirreth up the hearts of men to contend with anger, one with another. Behold, this is not my doctrine, to stir up the hearts of men with anger, one against another; but this is my doctrine, that such things should be done away.”4

To be angry is to yield to the influence of Satan. No one can make us angry. It is our choice. If we desire to have a proper spirit with us at all times, we must choose to refrain from becoming angry. I testify that such is possible...

Anger, Satan’s tool, is destructive in so many ways.

Apropos are the words of the poet John Greenleaf Whittier: “Of all sad words of
tongue or pen, the saddest are these: ‘It might have been!’ ”7 May we make a conscious decision, each time such a decision must be made, to refrain from anger and to leave unsaid the harsh and hurtful things we may be tempted to say."

I've learned from President Monson's remarks to be more in control of my tongue, something I wish I had learned years ago. I am learning slowly and surely I will get it one day, but until then those who encounter my imperfections will just have to remember that I'm human, I make mistakes and from them I grow and become better. "Mistakes are not only an acceptable part of life, but they may even be beneficial. The intelligent use of our mistakes helps us learn and grow; past failures may be guideposts to future successes. But our failures and mistakes can be constructive only if we analyze them, gain what profit we can from them, and forget them." Elder Kenneth L. Higbee

Kids Say The Darndest Things

So I am on a wild card (5 days off in a row) this week, spending my days in Montgomery Alabama with my cousin Emily and her family of 4 children. Hannah age 25, I mean 12, Ella age 9, Macie age 7, and Carson age 5. Just yesterday my first day here I wake up to Carson saying, "Mom, Spiderman is so cool. He can do anything." So as I'm waiting for the troops to be rounded up to go to the zoo, Macie comes up to me and says, "Why don't you have a husband?" We go to the zoo and the kids act like they have never been there even though they have a year pass and were just there a few weeks ago. It should have been me acting that way, as I can't tell you the last time I went to a zoo. We had a great time though.
My favorite parts were the giraffes, elephants and jaguar. We even got to take a train ride through the zoo. Ella keeps asking for hand sanitizer, which Emily doesn't have and it bothers Ella that Emily is so unprepared and shakes her head like she is a disappointed parent. She is so worried all the time about germs; she's nine.

Macie was running and fell. She turns around and has blood streaming down both knees and can you believe not a tear fell from her eyes?














But Emily came to the rescue with her yes, Maxi Pads to soak up the blood saying, "That's what they are meant for, to absorb blood and she had a handy dandy first aid kit in her large mom purse.
It is so hot here that every so often there are misters that the kids would run through. The day was quite cool, maybe in the high 80's but by the time we left the zoo, we were all dying of heat and humidity. So of course we had to stop by the nearest sonic for 1/2 price drinks. So while actually waiting in the Sonic parking lot for 7 minutes for 2pm to arrive Ella says only about 12 times through tears, "Mom, I am starving. I can't take it any longer." So we got this fried sampler of tator tots, cheese sticks and onion rings to go along with our diet drinks. We only ordered 2, well Ella wants her own because of her new found fear, GERMS, so she starts crying and jumps in the back seat, not for long though she realizes, she is hungry and will share after all.
So of course by now we are hot, hot, hot and want some sun. I put on my bathing suit and am reading my book by the pool when Carson comes out in his swim trunks and says, "Come on get in." I say, "I'm tanning, I'll get in in a bit." He puts his hands on his hips and says through tears, "You mean I got my swim suit on for nothing?" How can someone resist that? So we swim for a while and the children fight over splashing each other and Emily and I are trying to not get our hair wet. Yea right with kids in the pool? So in the midst of my time outside, Macie has swam, went inside, changed and watched tv, and came out again in another bathing suit. That girl went through at least 10 outfits yesterday. I'm standing in the kitchen watching Emily do dinner when Macie comes up to me and says again, "Why don't you have a husband?" My reply, "I'm fat and ugly." She stands back and with a wrinkle in her forehead says, "No you're not." It was so cute. Keep in mind, Macie was not quite a year when I moved in with them when I was in grad school. It has been so fun to see them grow up, but scary too. When Hannah dishes up her 4th helping I make a comment and she storms in to the other room to eat by herself. I'm so glad I was never a moody teenager.
After dinner I'm sitting out with Macie and the cat on the porch swing, watching a southern storm and reading my book and watching the crazy kids across the street 4-wheel in the pouring rain, when the neighbor girl rides up on her bike. She is 6. Keep in mind it is pouring. I say to her, "Where are your shoes?" She puts her hands out and in her southern voice says, "hey, I don't wear shoes, I'm lucky if I wear them to school." With that she rides off in the rain. It was so funny. But what was probably more funny was that I was sitting outside with a coat on. Not a few hours before I was dying of heat.
This morning I'm siting on the couch with Carson and I say, "So what are we going to do today?" He just starts laughing. Now how would it be to not realize that you have to plan your day, to get as much jammed into it as possible? But in the past 24 hours I have come to realize that Nick is so right when he says that I'M TOO SERIOUS. I told this to Emily last night. I need to act like I'm on vacation all the time. It is so much more fun. I wish He could see me here with the family, relaxed, laughing and stress free having a grand ole time with no worries. Emily and I laugh a lot when we are together, something I need to do more when in my regular life. But kids make things so funny. Emily is my therapist this week and says, "The problem is you two are adults with responsibilities having a dating experience with married peoples responsibilities. It's not like when I was young and dating when my parents were paying the bills and I was going out all the time." You know what, she is totally right. So maybe I will go back with the thought of vacation always on my mind. We shall see. And we shall see what today brings. I'm sure it will bring more fun, laughter, and lots of surprises. As I'm writing this I'm hearing Emily say, "Oh no my oats are kicking in and then Carson did you pee on the wall again." And I am laughing my head off...

Pearls of Wisdom from Dad

Today is that day when we honor our fathers, for the men that they are, the things they have taught us and the people we have become because of them. But as I have been thinking it's about honoring all of the men in our lives who teach us, tolerate us, take care of us and make the time for us. But of course the special man in my life has taught me a thing or two; things that have stayed with me all of these years. I'm sure dad has no idea the impact he has had on my life, but really I'm the person I am today because he has always had the faith in me that sometimes I didn't have in myself. The thing I love about my dad is that he has always had confidence in me in whatever I did whether it was a fiddle contest or passing my boards dad always told me I could do it and you know he has always been right, I did do it and I still do it because he has had faith in me Even though we have all left the nest, my father still presides over our family. I loved when my family came this past May and just as always dad presided in my home as we had family devotional and prayer. Dad has given me pearls throughout the years, here are just a few:

~Always carry a hankie. I've always thought this to be kind of gross, but they never disintegrate like tissues do.
~Always serve with a smile. I've never once heard dad complain about serving. He has just always done it. In fact this very week he went to the church orchard to thin peach trees. He has been doing this for as long as I can remember.
~Always eat breakfast. Dad has always been the breakfast cook at our house. Whether it is milk toast or waffles, never leave the house without eating breakfast. In fact, this morning I called and asked what was for breakfast, pancakes of course. And to honor him this morning I had his waffles that he made while he was here. They tasted almost as good as they would have had he have been here.
~Keep a journal. I always remember seeing dad write in his journal on Sunday's, loose leaf paper, and a black binder.
~Study Scriptures daily, including modern day scripture. My entire life I've seen dad do this every morning, no mater if he is on vacation at my house or home in his office. Not a day goes by that he doesn't do this.
~Be a leader. Anyone can be a follower, but it takes special people to be a leader.
~Find a spouse who will adore you, love you, and care for you under any circumstance. Dad is the prime example of this.
~Always keep jumper cables in your car. Just the other day my neighbor asked if I had any. Of course I did, thanks to dad.
~Keep the sabbath day holy. Dad always taught us that Heavenly Father will not with hold blessings from us if we will respect His day.
~Early to bed, Early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise.
~Be grateful for little things, little people, little opportunities to learn and grow.
~Talk if you need to, but always, always listen. You never know when a lesson is to be had.
~Never let your guard down and if you get in a sticky situation you can always call dad, no questions asked.
~Laugh when it's appropriate.
~Go to the temple often. I remember as a teenager but especially in college that dad would go to the 5am session on Tuesday mornings. What a great example that was, in fact I remember running into him there when I lived away from home during college as our ward did 6am baptisms once a month.
~Always be prepared for what ever may come your way.
~Keep your chin up even when times are tough. Everything will always be okay, it may take a while, but it always turns out the way it should.
~Save for a rainy day.
~Buy a case of food at least once a month. You will never go without if you have your food storage.
~Walk out of a movie if it isn't appropriate.
~Be modest...speak modest, dress modest.
~Work hard. It brings happiness to one who can provide means for not only themselves but for others.
~Sing in the church choir, even if you can't sing.
~Always say yes to a calling even if it is the ward choir director. And always support others in their callings.
~Share your testimony with others often.
~Pray, Pray, Pray...seek the Lord for guidance in all aspects of your life.
~Have a love for music.
~Give to others quietly.
~Expect to be surprised. Let Heavenly Father be in charge. He will never lead you astray.
Thank you Dad for patiently and gently guiding me along the way.

A Great Heritage

Today is my Grandma Swensen's birthday. I always remember her on this day even though she passed away shortly after I turned 1. I often wonder what my relationship with her would be like today if she was still alive. I imagine we would be great friends. I believe she is aware of my accomplishments and has been around on special days in my life. My mother has always said when comparing me to her, "It is amazing how someone can be so similar to someone they have never spent time around." Mom says I act like her, laugh at things she would laugh at, have similar interests and talents, and of course I have her nose, chin, and even her fine thick hair. Grandma was a journal writer, which I am sure I inherited this trait from her too. I imagine if she was alive today, that she would enjoy blogging as I do. The one thing I did learn from her was to write down my thoughts. Grandma never wrote what she was thinking, only what she did. I often wonder what she thought about certain things, but then I read what she wrote, which in some way tells me what she believed and I guess what was important to her; serving others. I know the kind of person she was because she would write things like, "took bread to five different families today...fed the missionaries...spent time at the nursing home today visiting with so and so..." Someday I will meet her and I am sure we will become best of friends. In the mean time, I am grateful that she sent me Grandma Betty as I am sure she had a hand in putting her in our lives, not to take her place, but to be there for us since she couldn't be.

Today also marks my Grandma and Grandpa Young's 67th Wedding Anniversary. Can you believe that? 67 years with the same person and they are as much in love as they were the day they got married, that is what they say, but I imagine there love is at least 67 times what it was then. They are always together. In fact last time I was home grandma was telling me that they never go anywhere without the other except if grandpa goes to the gas station to get a soda. How cute is that? My grandpa adores my grandma. He always has. You can tell by the way he takes care of her. He even still opens the car door for her. And up until a year ago they would go to the temple every Wednesday to do sealings. I imagine that as they would do this, they would think of the day they were sealed and the blessings of the covenants they have made to each other and the fact that they will be together forever. I was a bit saddened that I wasn't able to attend the surprise party that was had for them today as I am sure it was great fun to have 9 of their 10 children there, many of the 55 grandchildren, and several great grandchildren running all over the place.
One of my greatest memories of my grandparents is that every Sunday we would all go over to their home for cake and ice cream. I always loved the summer time when we would have ice milk and jello gelatin pops! And once when grandma had gone to visit one of her sisters, grandpa let all of the grand kids stay the night. Some of us slept in the camper outside, but by morning, we had all come inside because we were scared. Grandpa still to this day makes breakfast. Not cereal, but the real deal. However, I always remember them having peanut butter captain crunch even though I never remember seeing them eat a bowel of it. How grateful I am for the wonderful heritage that I have; it's truly a blessing!