I'm pretty good at holding in my emotions, except for when I'm around a a few individuals or if I'm tired, but Saturday morning out of no where I had myself a good ugly cry. They were tears of frustration and disappointment and probably a few tears of feeling defeated. It only lasted 2 minutes before I put my big girl panties on and enjoyed yet another beautiful Phoenix Fall Day. Sometimes a good cry is cleansing for the soul, which I believe that one was.
I told mom last night that I hoped the ovarian cancer marker would be at least 50, but she told me she has been praying that it would be in the teens. We got a compromise. This dropped 30 points in 4 weeks. In the first 4 months of chemo the count only went from 83-67. I'm more than thrilled that the marker is 1 point away from being within the normal range (less than 36 is normal). This means that there shouldn't be any OVC cancer cells in my body and that the tumors should be gone. We will know this when I have a CT scan the end of November. The white count is continuing to increase with the help of the neulasta. It was 8 today. I'm hoping that this is the last time I have to do the neulasta. It gives me such horrible bone pain and I had a killer headache for 24 hours last time. If I can keep the WBC above 8, then come January I will be able to go back to work, which I really can't wait to do.
I'm sure the change in chemo from the carbo to the cisplatin has something to do with the drop. But I firmly believe it dropped as an answer to the many prayers that are being said in my behalf all over the country, in Russia and Australia. When I was home last week and was having horrible side effects from chemo my dad gave me a blessing. In it he said, "I bless that you will see a drastic decrease in the OVC Marker." I know that blessing and answer came from faithful parents prayers and from my Heavenly Father answering those prayers.
So now we hope that in the next month my count drops to the teens or single digits. If this happens and the CT scan is normal, then I will have 2 more rounds (2 months) of chemo, unless we can go back to day's 1 and 8 with 1 week off. Hopefully I will start back to work part time in January and be back to full time by February (the worst flu month). Did I mention I will be so happy to go back to work though?
I'm so grateful for miracles, my own faith and the faith of many others, for the prayers and fasting offered by so many people in my behalf and for modern day medicine. I can do hard things and am so grateful for the support I have from the amazing people in my life. I love the following short video regarding burdens and trials.
"To be an example of faith means that we trust in the Lord and in His word. It means that we possess and that we nourish the beliefs that will guide our thoughts and our actions. Our faith in the Lord Jesus Christ and in our Heavenly Father will influence all that we do. Amidst the confusion of our age, the conflicts of conscience, and the turmoil of daily living, an abiding faith becomes an anchor to our lives. Remember that faith and doubt cannot exist in the same mind at the same time, for one will dispel the other." When I originally was diagnosed in June 2013, the last line of this quote became our family motto as we plunged through the days of chemo and cancer. My aunt even embroidered this on the blanket that I use often. President Monson reminds us at the end of this quote of the scripture in D&C 90:24, Said the Lord, “Search diligently, pray always, and be believing, and all things shall work together for your good.”
I love this reminder that if I put my faith into practice and all of my efforts into studying my scriptures, praying with faith and believing in miracles, that all things will work together for my good and oh how they are.