Good News and Gallstones

Can you believe it's been over a week since I last posted?  I've been rather busy around here.  I've had lots of visitors and expecting more next week.  However that is for another post. 

Last Friday wasn't fabulous at all.  Thursday evening I had gone to dinner with my cousins and didn't feel super well afterwards.  They were all trying to convince me to leave that night to go see the Grand Canyon.  Our plan was to go to Sedona on Friday.  I'm so glad that I didn't give into the peer pressure. 

Friday morning around 6 I started having some intense cramping in my epigastric region.  It was like what I assume contractions feel like.  They came and went and some were pretty intense.  I would breath through them as the sweat engulfed me and my heart raced. 

Around 8:30 I called my doctors office.  But a little before 10 when they hadn't called me back we drove there.  I felt like a crazy lady (and probably looked like one too) going to my doctors without an appointment, but come on I'm a cancer patient and I was in some crazy pain.

I knew they were going to tell me to go to the ER, but being an ER PA, that is the last place I want to go when I'm not working.  At that point I didn't care though.  I'm glad I went to my doctors first, because they told me to go to a specific ER where my doctor was there doing surgery. 

Thankfully there was only 1 other woman that was ahead of me when I got to the ER, even though it took them an hour to get me back in a room.  Meanwhile, Alisha had to get me into a wheelchair before I passed out from the intense crazy pain that I was having.  It sounds like I'm exagerrating here, but I promise I'm not. 

I must say, I was immensely impressed with the hospital.  The care I received and the massive rooms made me feel like I was in First Class.  The ER doctor actually met me in the room as they wheeled me in.  He was so awesome.  They did blood work and a CT scan and then the pain seemed to go away. 

After a few hours the ER Doc came to inform me that I had a partial bowel obstruction, which is typically caused from adhesions (or scarring) from my previous surgery.  The bad, very bad news was that they needed to put an NG tube in my nose and down my throat to pump my stomach.  I held it together until the actual procedure and then my tears started.  I had this done twice when I was in the hospital for 15 days remember?  I knew exactly what this entailed and I wasn't happy about it one bit.  The good thing was that they did numb my throat, but it didn't help the intense pain that goes along with sticking a tube into your nose. 

Thanks to Morphine, it did decrease the pain for a short time, but that's exactly how Morphine works...it's short acting. 

Oh, but the real culprit, that I knew all along because I had an Ultra Sound in May is the massive Gallstones; at least 3 of them.  An ultrasound was also done at my bedside when I got up to the floor, which was awesime, to see if there was a stone in the common bile duct, which there wasn't.  I wish there had been and I wouldn't still be having pain from the gigantic gallstones that sit in my gallbladder.  I don't know why they didn't just remove it then, however if they had I wouldn't have had the fun I did this past weekend.

Dr. J came into see me around 8pm.  My 5 cousins were there when he came in.  We informed him that we had planned a cousins reunion that weekend.  He was so nice to me, which gave me a different take on him from my previous encounter.  While looking at the CT scan at my bedside, he said that he wasn't totally convinced that I had a true bowel obstruction.  If I did have the bowel obstruction, I'm sure it was cleared by the time I had the CT scan.  I'll leave out those details for your imagination. 

I'm positive my pain was from a full on gallstone attack.  It was miserable.  I still have pain when I eat, if I don't eat and in between.

Thankfully around 1am when I couldn't sleep the nurse took out the NG tube and by morning I was ready to go have some fun with my cousins.

The GOOD NEWS:  The tumor on the vaginal/anal wall was not seen on the CT scan.  I can't tell you how happy this makes me.  There are still multiple nodules that are calcified which means the chemo is doing it's job. 

Last night I read a scripture that pretty much sums up my feelings on this matter,
Luke 18:27 "The things which are impossible with men are possible with God."  I know that these results are because of the many prayers that are being said in my behalf to our loving Heavenly Father.  He hears our prayers and He answers them in his own timing. 

It is my hope that continued chemo and miracles will dissolve all signs of cancer and that I will continue to see the miracles that are possible with God's help.  

Huge Surprise

Today I had a huge surprise when the NP told me my CA-125 was 37.  I wanted to jump up and down blowing a party horn, doing a happy dance and toasting with my Martinellis Apple Cider (I love that stuff).  I was shocked and surprised to say the least, but mostly I was deeply humbled and grateful to my Heavenly Father for answering my many prayers and your many prayers as we have asked in faith and hoped for a miracle.

I'm pretty good at holding in my emotions, except for when I'm around a a few individuals or if I'm tired, but Saturday morning out of no where I had myself a good ugly cry.  They were tears of frustration and disappointment and probably a few tears of feeling defeated.  It only lasted 2 minutes before I put my big girl panties on and enjoyed yet another beautiful Phoenix Fall Day.  Sometimes a good cry is cleansing for the soul, which I believe that one was.

I told mom last night that I hoped the ovarian cancer marker would be at least 50, but she told me she has been praying that it would be in the teens.  We got a compromise.  This dropped 30 points in 4 weeks.  In the first 4 months of chemo the count only went from 83-67.  I'm more than thrilled that the marker is 1 point away from being within the normal range (less than 36 is normal).  This means that there shouldn't be any OVC cancer cells in my body and that the tumors should be gone.  We will know this when I have a CT scan the end of November.  The white count is continuing to increase with the help of the neulasta.  It was 8 today.  I'm hoping that this is the last time I have to do the neulasta.  It gives me such horrible bone pain and I had a killer headache for 24 hours last time.  If I can keep the WBC above 8, then come January I will be able to go back to work, which I really can't wait to do.

I'm sure the change in chemo from the carbo to the cisplatin has something to do with the drop.  But I firmly believe it dropped as an answer to the many prayers that are being said in my behalf all over the country, in Russia and Australia.  When I was home last week and was having horrible side effects from chemo my dad gave me a blessing.  In it he said, "I bless that you will see a drastic decrease in the OVC Marker."  I know that blessing and answer came from faithful parents prayers and from my Heavenly Father answering those prayers. 

So now we hope that in the next month my count drops to the teens or single digits.  If this happens and the CT scan is normal, then I will have 2 more rounds (2 months) of chemo, unless we can go back to day's 1 and 8 with 1 week off.  Hopefully I will start back to work part time in January and be back to full time by February (the worst flu month).  Did I mention I will be so happy to go back to work though?

I'm so grateful for miracles, my own faith and the faith of many others, for the prayers and fasting offered by so many people in my behalf and for modern day medicine.  I can do hard things and am so grateful for the support I have from the amazing people in my life.  I love the following short video regarding burdens and trials. 

In studying President Monsons conference address last month, I came across this favorite quote, which he has quoted before:

"To be an example of faith means that we trust in the Lord and in His word. It means that we possess and that we nourish the beliefs that will guide our thoughts and our actions. Our faith in the Lord Jesus Christ and in our Heavenly Father will influence all that we do. Amidst the confusion of our age, the conflicts of conscience, and the turmoil of daily living, an abiding faith becomes an anchor to our lives. Remember that faith and doubt cannot exist in the same mind at the same time, for one will dispel the other."  When I originally was diagnosed in June 2013, the last line of this quote became our family motto as we plunged through the days of chemo and cancer.  My aunt even embroidered this on the blanket that I use often.  President Monson reminds us at the end of this quote of the scripture in D&C 90:24, Said the Lord, “Search diligently, pray always, and be believing, and all things shall work together for your good.”

I love this reminder that if I put my faith into practice and all of my efforts into studying my scriptures, praying with faith and believing in miracles, that all things will work together for my good and oh how they are.

Miracles And Faith

Sunday the following scripture was included in my parents Primary Program at church.

2 Nephi 27:23, "For behold, I am God; and I am a God of miracles; and I will show unto the world that I am the same yesterday, today, and forever; and I work not among the children of men save it be according to their faith."

This scripture say's it all.  That God is a God of Miracles, but that he only works those miracles according to our faith.  I believe this scripture, but I also wonder if God has a different plan than I have for myself, then will I not see the miracle that I hope for, even if I have faith?

It's a questions that has played out in my mind over the past few months.  But as I question this, it deepens my faith in my Heavenly Father as my will becomes His. 

The last few months can only be described as frustrating.  I'm frustrated that I don 't see an end to chemo, that I'm doing this all over again, that I have cancer even though I can't see it and feel fine (that is when I'm not having chemo), that I can't plan ahead, because of the unknown of when I will be finished with chemo and that I can't work. 

I listen to a General Conference talk each night and it seems that each talk is directed to me and my situation.  There are so many great talks.  They all keep telling me to keep the faith and things will work out. 

Some of my favorite quotes this week are:

"Mortal Life is not easy for any of us.  We are placed on earth to be tried and tested.  Our response to life's experiences will often greatly influence our testimonies...If you have been tempted to murmur, if you have had doubt that leads to unbelief, if trials seem more than you can bear, turn to Him.  James B. Martino

"Our Savior experienced and suffered the fullness of all mortal challenges 'according to the flesh' so He could know 'according to the flesh' how to 'succor (which means to give relief or aid to) his people according to their infirmities.'  He therefore knows our struggles, our heartaches, our temptations, and our suffering, for He willingly experienced them all as an essential part of His Atonement.  And because of this, His Atonement empowers Him to succor us-to give us the strength to bear it all...And so we see that because of His Atonement, the Savior has the power to succor-to help-every mortal pain and affliction.  Sometimes His power heals an infirmity, but the scriptures and our experiences teach that sometimes He succors or helps by giving us the strength or patience to endure our infirmities."  Dallin H. Oaks

"Faith in the Lord Jesus Christ is not something ethereal, floating loosely in the air.  Faith does not fall upon us by chance or stay with us by birthright.  Faith in Jesus Christ is a gift from heaven that comes as we choose to believe and as we seek it and hold on to it.  Your faith is either growing stronger or becoming weaker.  Faith is a principle of power, important not only in this life but also in our progression beyond the veil...The future of your faith is not by chance, but by choice....Faith never demands an answer to every question but seeks the assurance and courage to move forward."  Neil L. Andersen

"I promise that each faith-filled step will be met with help from heaven.  Guidance will come as we pray to our Heavenly Father, rely on our Savior and follow Him, and listen to the Holy Spirit.  Strength will come because of the atoning sacrifice of Jesus Christ.  Healing and forgiveness will come because of God's grace.  Wisdom and patience will come by trusting in the Lord's timing for us.  Protection will come by following God's living Prophet."  Randall K. Bennett.

See, so many amazing quotes and promised blessing by having faith.  I truly believe these words and know that Heavenly Father loves me and is aware of my every needs.  I really am grateful for the patience and strength I have been given to endure the trials that I'm going through.  The burden seems so much lighter than it should.  I'm so grateful to have an army who pray for me and give me strength as they go through this battle along side me.  Sometimes in order for us to grow and progress we are challenged and stretched, but it is only for our good so that we can become more like Him.

Prove

This past week I attended the temple.  As I sat in the celestial room I randomly opened to Abraham and read these words, "And we will prove them herewith, to see if they will do all things whatsoever the Lord their God shall command them."

The word Prove in this scripture seemed so powerful to me as I read and re-read it.  It got me thinking that God is proving me through the trials that he has given me.  He is trying me to see if I will be able to endure patiently and whole heartily and probably without complaining.

When I was diagnosed with cancer again you will recall in other posts that I wanted my will, even though I had no idea what Heavenly Father's will was.  I still don't know his will, but after four months I confess that I've finally softened my heart and am aligning my will with whatever Heavenly Father's will is for me. 

I'd have to say that my most favorite talk from this past General Conference was in the Saturday morning session by Neil F. Marriott 2nd counselor in the Young Women General Presidency.  I love listening to this ladies southern voice, as it reminds me of all of my sweet southern friends back in CLT.  Her talk was just what I needed.  It was entitled Yielding Our Hearts To God.  Some of my favorite quotes from this talk are as follows:

"How do we make the Lord's ways our ways?   I believe we begin by learning of Him and praying for understanding.  As our trust in Him grows, we open our hearts, seek to do His will, and wait for answers that will help us understand." 

She quoted President Hinckley, "If you do your best, it will all work out.  Put your trust in God...The Lord will not forsake us."

"Search diligently, pray always, and be believing, and all things shall work together for your good.  This doesn't mean all things are good, but for the meek and faithful, things-both positive and negative-work together for good, and the timing is the Lord's.  We wait on Him, sometimes like Job in his suffering...A meek heart accepts the trial and the waiting for the time of healing and wholeness to come.  When we open ourselves to the Spirit, we learn God's ways and feel His will."

"The healing of our heart begins when we submit to and worship God.  True worship begins when our hearts are right before the Father and the Son.  What is our heart condition today?  Paradoxically, in order to have a healed and faithful heart, we must first allow it to break before the Lord.  'Ye shall offer for a sacrifice unto me a broken heart and a contrite spirit,' the Lord declares.  The result of sacrificing our heart, or our will, to the Lord is that we receive the spiritual guidance we need."

She quotes the lyrics of one of my favorite songs, "So trusting my all to they tender care, And knowing thou lovest me, I'll do they will with a heart sincere: I'll be what you want me to be."

And she ends with, "When we offer our broken heart to Jesus Christ, He accepts our offereing.  He takes us back.  No matter what losses, wounds, and rejections we have suffered, His grace and healing are mighter than all.  Truly yoked to the Savior, we can say with confidence, It will all work out."

After listening to this talk again on Monday night, I was finally able to humble myself and soften my heart to Heavenly Father's will for me.  He has a plan for me and I know He is with me.  And so this week as I Ponderize the above scripture, I hope that as I struggle with the side effects that chemo will undoubtedly give me, that I can prove to Heavenly Father that I can do all things even if they are hard things, that He asks me to do.

My Ship

Today in church someone spoke about Nephi in The Book Of Mormon and how he was instructed to build a ship; something he had never done.  1 Nephi 17:51and 18:1 And now, if the Lord has such great power, and has wrought so many miracles among the children of men, how is it that he cannot instruct me that I should build a ship...And it came to pass that they did worship the Lord, and did go forth with me; and we did work timbers of curious workmanship.  And the Lord did show me from time to time after what manner I should work the timbers of the ship. The speaker talked about how we all have ships in our lives and that we need to let the Lord show us how to work through our ships.  The trial I'm experiencing once again is my ship and I need to let the Lord wrought a miracle in my life.  It occurred to me today that I am just going through this trial instead of learning what I need to from this trial.

There have been times in my life when I want to see the future.  I must admit this is one of those times.  I want to be finished with chemo, back to work and moving forward with my life.  But I'm learning that the Lord see's time differently than I do.  And so as I ponderize these scriptures this week, I'm going to try to be more open to letting the spirit guide me to learning what Heavenly Father needs me to learn from this trial, so that I can become more like him. 

General Conference, Ponderize & Small Improvements

This past weekend was our church's semi annual General Conference from SLC.  It is a weekend full of amazing talks where I receive answers to questions I've been pondering, which give me peace and comfort especially through difficult times.  This weekend I came to conference with a list of questions, all of which were answered through many different talks.

I love that I can listen to a talk every night from my hand held device, read and highlight the talks from my hard copy that I will receive in a month from now and that through these talks it is a way for Heavenly Father to speak to me through his chosen servants.

Instead of giving you a list of my favorite quotes all in one post, I think I will try to write a post each week with my favorite quotes from talks that I'm studying and how I am applying them to my life.

This was a special General Conference because of the fact that over the past 6 months 3 of the 12 Apostles passed away and 3 more replaced by genuine, humble spiritual men whom the Lord has prepared for these callings for many years.  One of them is Elder Renlund, whose wife had ovarian cancer when she was 25, just 16 months after their only daughter was born.  I've read a few articles about her story and think it would be so awesome to meet her.  Someday maybe.  The other 2 are Elder Stevenson and Elder Rasband.  I've always loved listening to Elder Rasband speak and now look forward to his talks each General Conference the first weekend of April and October.

Our dear prophet President Monson is aging and not as healthy as he once was, but he continues to address us and teach us those things that Heavenly Father wants us to know.

One talk that really caught my attention was about the word Ponderize.  It was a talk by Devin Durrant.  He says, "I invite you to ponderize one verse of scripture each week.  The word ponderize is not in the dictionary, but it has found a place in my heart.  So what does it mean to ponderize?  I like to say it's a combination of 80 percent extended pondering and 20 percent memorization...Read or think of the verse several times each day and ponder the meaning of its words and key phrases throughout the week.  As you make this effort, you will feel an increase in spirituality.  You will also be able to teach and lift those you love in more meaningful ways."

Last night as I was doing my scripture study I read the following scripture, which I've chosen to ponderize this week.  It was exactly what I needed to give me comfort as I start another round of chemo this week.

Mathew 14:35-36 "And when the men of that place had knowledge of him, they sent out into all the country round about, and brought unto him all that were diseased; And besought him that they might only touch the hem of his garment: And as many as touched were made perfectly whole."  Isn't that such a beautiful passage?  I love the faith that these people who were diseased had, to be made whole through such a simple gesture as touching the hem of the Saviors garment.  I have been blessed with this kind of faith.  I know that if the Savior was in my presence I could be made whole by touching his garment, but I also know that I can be healed according to my faith.  My healing isn't going to be quick or easy, but I believe that through patience and faith I will be healed.

Today my CA 125 came down 9 points from 76 to 67.  This is where it was when I was diagnosed in June, but remember it went up in July to 83 and hasn't come down much since then.  I have felt discouraged because of the numbers, but I've never lost my faith in knowing that Heavenly Father hears my prayers and the many prayers said in my behalf.  My white count came up just a little to 2.7, my absolute neutrophils to 1.6 and my hemoglobin to 10.  These aren't perfect, but they are definitely better than my last blood draw.  I had an appointment with the NP who was wonderful, answered questions and adjusted my treatment just a little.  We've decided that in order to be consistent we are going to need to do treatment every 15 days.  This will be spreading things out a bit, but it will give my CBC and bone marrow time to replenish itself.  I also will have Neulasta injections the day after each chemo treatment.  I currently have a contraption on my arm that will release the Neulasta tomorrow evening at 730.  We did decrease the cisplatin a little because with just one treatment I am having foot pain and neuropathy in my hands.  I need my hands to work.  I had these symptoms for about 2 years and they finally went away with time and massage, but with just 1 treatment a few weeks ago they returned.

I will have the next 4 chemo treatments here and then go home for the holidays to have treatment in Boise.  We feel good about today's events and know that the Lord is intricately involved in my care.  He truly does answer our prayers and I know that I will be made perfectly whole as I trust in the Lord and his timing which is different than mine.