Sleep...or Rather No SLEEP

3 Months ago I had the perfect sleeping pattern.  I typically went to bed between 9pm and 10pm and fell asleep rather easily.  Of course then I was waking at least 3-4 times a night to tinkle (that was most annoying) but I often was easily able to go back to sleep.  When the sun would come up around 5am I would often awake a little, but then I would get up to tinkle again, put on my eye patch thingy and go back to sleep until 6:15am when I would get up and get ready for the day!  I loved that I woke early and went to bed early and felt well rested

...But then SOMETHING HAPPENED...

I hate talk about this, because I sound like an old lady, but I'm pretty sure this is the culprit, given the fact that all of my older friends and my mom talk about their INSOMNIA...

FORCED MENOPAUSE

Just writing the words makes me have that look on my face when I smell a dirty diaper of one of my nieces and nephews.

I've never talked about IT, because I have a hard time accepting IT...

IT being a hysterectomy at age 36...So not right...So not fair...So wrong...

IT makes me feel like half of my womanhood is gone.  The thing that makes us different from the male species is GONE.  And was gone in moments, before I was allowed to accept it and morn something that was't going to be there ever again.  The thing that should offer us the opportunity to bear a child, the thing every women should experience and that comes up in conversations of every female gatherings, something I'll never have the opportunity to experience in this life.  GONE FOREVER!

BUT...it has made it so that I can't sleep.  This cancer patient can't sleep!  Isn't that what cancer patients do?  NOPE, NOT ME!  I don't even nap, like normal cancer patient's do, (except for 2 days after chemo, but then I have an excuse and drugs that make me sleep).  But then again, I'm not an ordinary cancer patient.  So annoying I tell you.  I still go to bed between 9pm and 10pm.  AND THEN I THINK...mostly I think about how my diagnosis played out and how I can't believe it happened the way it did and I think about it over and over again.  I make lists in my mind, when really I should just get up and write them down.  I listen to music, but then when it is over I think, I should be sleeping by now, given I just listened to an hours worth of music.  Last night I tried to go to sleep without music, didn't work.

I usually have to get up around 12am to empty Hank (Nick named him) my lovely ileostomy bag that makes me crazy (definitely for another post).  Finally last night at 12am I took a fourth of an Ambian.  I hate to admit that I gave into the drug, but I had to.  The worst part of not being able to sleep at night is that I sleep until 9am or 10am.  Maybe this is the cancer patient part, but I hate it.  I feel like I have wasted my day. By the time I eat breakfast and waste time on the computer half my morning is gone without accomplishing much of anything.

So what is the answer my friends?  Just stay up reading until I am so tired I have to put the book down, get up and blog (which I have done), take a sleeping pill every night at 9 so that I'm asleep by 10:30?  Or just grin and bear it?  Probably the later...

More Tender Mercies

I was able to change my insurance to the better one a month ago, which is great.  However, because it goes from July to July I thought I had to pay my deductible of $1000 and max out of pocket twice $10,500 and $7,500.  This morning I was talking to the girl from my insurance company who has been amazing through this entire process.  I said something about paying two max out of pockets back to back and she informed me that I only had to pay the one max out of pocket because it was per calendar year!  Hello another tender mercy for sure.  I am just fine paying one deductible but two I wasn't so happy about.  Heavenly Father is surely on my side through this and giving me so many tender mercies along the way to let me know He is there, He hears the many prayers in my behalf and He will help me through this trial.  What a blessing the last few days have been to have some of my financial burdens a little lighter.  I am so grateful that I have the means to pay for my medical bills and ever so grateful for insurance that pays most of it!  I can afford a meager $12,000 (even though I'd like to put it towards a new car) when my medical bills will total close to $200,000 this year.  Hooray for TENDER MERCIES and so many BLESSINGS!

RAIN

This morning I woke to the pitter-patter of rain drops, big ones too!  What an exciting morning it was!  I have loved rain storms since living in the South.  I love the smell and sounds of a rain storm.  I loved every moment this morning as I sat at my computer with the window open as I smelled the rain and felt its mist through the window.  Apparently we last had a good rain storm in June when I was in the hospital.  Other than that we have had a rather dry Summer.  It has been a lovely, hot Summer which I have enjoyed greatly, but I'm ready for cooler temperatures, crisp fall mornings and a little more rain!

Ovarian Cancer Awareness Month

It's hard to believe that September is here.  I have a new found love for September because it is National Ovarian Cancer Awareness Month which President Obama declared just last year in 2012.  I learned today that his mother passed away at age 52 from Ovarian cancer.  In his declaration he stated:
This year, thousands of American women will lose their lives to ovarian cancer.  They are mothers and daughters, sisters and grandmothers, community members and cherished friends — and the absence they leave in our hearts will be deeply felt forever.  During National Ovarian Cancer Awareness Month, we honor those we have lost, show our support for women who bravely carry on the fight, and take action to lessen the tragic toll ovarian cancer takes on families across our Nation.
So this month I will wear as much teal as I can (even though I don't have much teal, I better go buy some), because teal is the ovarian cancer color.  I will continue to hope and pray that I live to tell my story of survival, hope and faith for many years to come.  From now on I will be an advocate for ovarian cancer research and early detection; I will be a voice I never dreamed of being, but one that I am proud to be, as an example of a strong, courageous woman!

New favorite quotes:

"Hope is not a wish, it is a belief!"

"A strong woman knows she has strength enough for the journey, but a woman of strength knows it is in the journey she will become strong."