Take Courage

I still keep thinking, "This time last year I was having chemo, bald and almost out of eyelashes, crying every night because of all that I was having to go through, dealing with an ileostomy that finally wasn't leaking (I know sounds disgusting and it was) and hoping my blood counts were high enough to be able to have my next chemo treatment (thankfully they always were)."  Looking back it's still hard to believe all that I've experienced in just 1 year; 52 weeks, 365 days.

I admit even though I've had a fantastic Summer here on MVY I feel a little lot confused and somewhat derailed.  When I arrived here nearly 3 months ago, I was pretty sure I knew where my life was headed and I was looking forward to what the coming months had in store.  However, I'm slowly coming to the conclusion that little Miss. Planner should just stop planning and enjoy each 24 hours that I'm given.  That's simply not life though; there needs to be some kind of an agenda in the works; shouldn't there?

I never thought I'd be in my late 30's, single, without children or a husband and without some stability.  Like everyone else my age, I should have a house that smells like cinnamon, which is decorated by my mother's expertise and where I use my cute dishes each night at dinner time when I serve gourmet meals.  Yea, not happening anytime soon.  Instead...I  have all of my early possessions (including my cute dishes) in a storage unit that I pay 60 dollars a month for, the house that I do own in Charlotte is rented (thankfully by wonderful renters) and I'm traveling 3 months here, 3 months there and trying to decide whether to keep traveling or to take a full time position.  I do love the traveling, but I'm ready for some stability, to have my stuff out of storage (since it has been there coming up on 3 years) and have a house that is decorated and smells like cinnamon.

I really need to make some decisions soon or at least I think I need to make some decisions.  Maybe it doesn't really matter what I do or where I live, says my dad.  But it does matter, because it will determine much of my happiness, the people I interact with and the impact I will have on the lives of others.  So many times this summer I've thought of how I needed to be working here for this person or that person.  I do get to impact peoples lives and am ever so grateful for this opportunity.

A few days ago I was reading in the Book Of Mormon (of which I just started reading over again for the umpteenth time). I came across a scripture I have read more times than I can count and which was highlighted in green.  This time however it has had a huge impact on my life at this moment and is a scripture I keep repeating in my mind.  It is found in 1 Nephi 4:6-7 "And I was led by the Spirit, not knowing beforehand the things which I should do.  Nevertheless I went forth..."  And near the end of the chapter in verse 35 I have marked in red the words "take courage."  And so I put the words "take courage in front of this scripture.  I have been taught this week that I need to have courage and to put my faith in the Lord knowing He will guide me, even though I might not know now what I need to do with my life in the next 6 months, He does.  I love this scripture which shows that Nephi had the faith to go and do what he was commanded to do in order to get the plates from Laban, even though he didn't know how he was going to accomplish this task (being that it was the third try), but knowing full well that he would be guided and he was.  

I know the Lords see's my big picture.  And so I am strengthening my faith and going forward not knowing beforehand the things which I should do, but with courage knowing I will be led by the Spirit.  I know this because I've experienced it time and time again...

Just after I finished grad school I was in Kentucky studying for my boards (where I had done my clinical's). I was for sure that I was suppose to go back West to look for a job.  I had even already sent my winter clothes home in preparation for my move.  One day as I was stretching, getting ready for a jog, I literally heard the words "Stay here."  I was startled.  But knew without a doubt that it was the answer to my prayers of where I needed to start my career.  I've learned many times to put forth the effort before I see the direction, even though it might mean a change in direction I'm headed.  How grateful I am now for the direction I received then.  The next 7 years on the East Coast gave me the skills and experience that have led me to where I am today in my career and allowed me the chance to develop friendships and relationships that I will always cherish.

It's hard to understand why I keep having challenges and trials, but I am coming to realize it's life and this test called life is about dealing with the hard questions and figuring out the answers.