Chemo Round 2 Again

I'm every so excited and grateful that my cousin Emily, who I haven't seen for nearly 3 years came to visit me on Tuesday and will be here for a week.  It has been such fun to catch up and just be together.  She of course came with me to chemo today.

This morning's chemo went ok, it ended up being much longer than it needed to be, given we are on Island Time and no one but me moves fast.   Over the past hour the fatigue and abdominal discomfort have arrived, but not too bad.  I am hoping a good nights rest will improve these side effects.  I'm really hoping since I only had one of the drugs today instead of the 2 I had last time that I'll be able to bounce back quicker.

I will admit I'm a little discouraged tonight.  My ovarian cancer marker went from 64.9, 1 month ago to 83 today, normal is less than 36.  Sometimes the numbers elevate and then go down, but it has never gone up when I was on chemo.

My neutrophil count went down from 0.9 to 0.8 which it should be above 2, however my white count did improve from 2 to 3.4, even though it should be between 4-11.  So many prayers have been said in my behalf and yet the numbers aren't improving.  I know I need to be a little patient given I've just started the chemo but It does give me a little fear of this regimen not working, even though my original symptoms of back pain have improved.  Unfortunately we are going to have to go with the injection next week to boost the white count, so that when they implement the second medicine on August 20, my counts will be up.  Because this medicine works on the bone marrow, side effects that typically occur are long bone discomfort and fever; I have heard of people who don't have any side effects from it.  Maybe I will be the lucky one.

To top off the craziness, this evening the ER called to tell me a patient I have seen twice this week was diagnosed with pertussis.  I am immunized against this and they have empirically placed me on an antibiotic as they have with all who have come in contact with the patient.  It is a little scary however given that my immune system is compromised, but being immunized I should be fine.  I am forbidden now to see any ill patients.  I can only see the trauma's and I have to wear gloves and a mask which I will strictly follow.

Over the past 11 years that I've been in practice I've only worked with 2 members of the church.  One of them is working with me this Summer.  Last night he gave me a blessing.  The spirit in the room was almost tangible.  I don't believe it is a coincidence that he is here this Summer and worked with me yesterday.  My testimony of the Priesthood has increased 10 fold over the past 2 years as I've been given many blessings and seen the blessings come forth.

I appreciate so much the prayers and fasting from so many of you including my dear ward members, strangers, friends and family.  I feel these prayers being answered as most of the time I am at peace and feel rather well.  I'm anxious to return to Phoenix in a month.  I will be praying and fasting along with many others on Sunday that the chemo will kill the cancer and that I will have minimal side effects from the chemo.  In the Church Of Jesus Christ Of Latter Day Saints, the church I belong to, we fast for 2 meals the first Sunday of each month.  When we fast it draws us closer to our Heavenly Father.  We fast for those in need, our own needs and for gratitude.  We also pay a fast offering of our choosing, which goes to those in need within our ward family.  I have a great testimony of fasting and have seen the blessings from making this a monthly ritual in my life.  I would appreciate you joining in with my family and friends for this special fast if you feel so inclined. 

So many times I feel like I'm begging Heavenly Father for what I want and not for His will.  I know that faith and fear can not coexist and am trying so hard to keep the faith.  I'm trying to keep this quote in my mind and put my trust in Heavenly Father even though it is sometimes so hard.

My Bishop sent me a scripture this week, that I remember opening my scriptures to 2 years ago when I returned home from the hospital.  It is is the Book Of Mormon in Mormon 9:21 "Behold whoso believeth in Christ, doubting nothing, whatsoever he shall ask the Father in the name of Christ it shall be granted him; and this promise is unto all, even unto the ends of the earth."  Tonight my scriptures fell open to D&C 6:19 and 36-37.  I have fallen back onto these scriptures time and time again throughout my life and have found great comfort in their words. And so again I will fall back on them, obeying the counsel for me at this time.  "Be patient; be sober; be temperate; have patience, faith, hope and charity...Look unto me in every thought; doubt not, fear not.  Behold the wounds which pierced my side and also the prints of the nails in my hands and feet; be faithful, keep my commandments, and ye shall inherit the kingdom of heaven." 

My friend Pamela posted this on FB today, I'm pretty sure it was for me and the answer to my prayers today:

The purpose of our life on earth is to grow, develop, and be strengthened through our own experiences. How do we do this? The scriptures give us an answer in one simple phrase: we “wait upon the Lord.”

Tests and trials are given to all of us. These mortal challenges allow us and our Heavenly Father to see whether we will exercise our agency to follow His Son. He already knows, and we have the opportunity to learn, that no matter how difficult our circumstances, “all these things shall [be for our] experience, and … [our] good” (D&C 122:7). Elder Hales

You Are Never Alone

 Over the last month I have never once felt alone, even when in a busy airport being given the devastating news that I was going to have to start chemo again, I didn't feel alone.  As I sat in that very busy Boston airport with tears streaming down my face a man came to sit next to me.  I told him I was sorry that I was crying and told him why.  And then he told me about his bout of cancer.  He was a stranger to me, but a child of the same God that I trust in and love.  I am sure that Heavenly Father sent him as an instrument in his hands to sit by me, to give me comfort and peace.

I love what Elaine Dalton says at the end of this video, "No matter how well prepared you think you are there are hills on the course...People cheering for you along the way who are absolutely essential...We are never alone.  Our Heavenly Father is only a prayer away.  You can rely on the enabling power of the Saviors Atonement.  And the Holy Ghost is within whispering distance."

I will totally admit, I wasn't in the least bit prepared for this hill that I'm having to climb.  However, because of the way I live my life with so much reliance on my Heavenly Father I suspect it is somewhat easier than if I didn't.  

I'm ever so blessed to have people all over the country cheering me on through this journey, who absolutely are essential to my health and well being.  You will never understand the strength I receive because of your support.  I have the largest army of friends, ward members and family members. Tonight at work, I brought out some of Terah's Army bracelets.  I was humbled by all who wanted to support me by wearing a token of me on their wrists.  I hope that as people wear these bracelets that they remember when times are tough, there is a way through trails.  I hope that my example of endurance gives others hope when they feel they can't endure hardships.  

Most of all I have felt strength and love from my Savior Jesus Christ and my Heavenly Father.   I know that as I keep my faith through the difficulties I'm facing, I will be blessed.   I know that the Lord will bless me, even as I face this insurmountable trial.  I love this quote by Jeffery R. Holland, "These difficult lessons teach us that man’s extremity is God’s opportunity, and if we will be humble and faithful, if we will be believing and not curse God for our problems, He can turn the unfair and inhumane and debilitating prisons of our lives into temples—or at least into a circumstance that can bring comfort and revelation, divine companionship and peace."

Yesterday we had a young mother come in unresponsive.  After being down for 57 minutes she regained a heart beat, but today remains on life support.  From this experience I again realized that my little trial is minor compared to her families and her 8 month old twins.  There are definitely other trials worse than mine.  I'll take this trial and I will make the most of it, hoping that while on this journey I can inspire someone along the way.  I know that Heavenly Father is right by me, as He always has been.

I absolutely love and believe this quote.  It has helped me many times along my life path.  "We are not alone in our little prisons here. When suffering, we may in fact be nearer to God than we’ve ever been in our entire lives. That knowledge can turn every such situation into a would-be temple.  Regarding our earthly journey, the Lord has promised, “I will go before your face. I will be on your right hand and on your left, and my Spirit shall be in your hearts, and mine angels round about you, to bear you up” (D&C 84:88). That is an everlasting declaration of God’s love and care for us, including—and perhaps especially—in times of trouble...We must not succumb to the fear that God has abandoned us or that He does not hear our prayers. He does hear us. He does see us. He does love us." Jeffery R. Holland.

Feeling Hopeful And Enthusiastic

Have you ever gotten up early and watched the sunrise over the ocean as it ushered in a new day?  Last week I did just that.  It was very quiet as I strolled along the waterfront watching this spectacular event that happens each morning.  But this time I was even more in awe at the creation of light that we have been blessed with.  It brought me hope and reassured me that Heavenly Father is intricately involved in my life.  Tonight I'm feeling I can feel His light which gives me hope and enthusiasm for the future.

Today was an amazing Fast Sunday.  I know that many of my friends and family across the country and in other countries were praying and fasting in my behalf.  This morning I woke at 3:30 and literally felt like Heavenly Fathers arm's were hugging me tightly.  I felt such peace and comfort that everything is going to be okay.

As I walked into church today I felt so much love of those in attendance.  I know that my Bishop is called of God and that he is to be guiding our congregation at this time.  We had a good conversation today as we talked about miracles and priesthood blessings.  While I attended my church meetings I kept thinking of one of my most favorite parts in The Book Of Mormon.  It is in Mosiah and talking about a faithful people who were persecuted for their righteousness.

Mosiah 23:21-22  "Nevertheless the Lord seeth fit to chasten his people; yea, he trieth their patience and their faith.  Nevertheless-whosever putteth his trust in him the same shall be lifted up at the last day."

And in the next chapter versus 13-15  "And it came to pass that the voice of the Lord came to them in their afflictions, saying:  Lift up your heads and be of good comfort, for I know of the covenant which ye have made unto me; and I will covenant with my people and deliver them out of bondage.  And I will also ease the burdens which are put upon your shoulders, that even you cannot feel them upon your backs, even while you are in bondage; and this will I do that ye may know of a surety that I, the Lord God, do visit my people in their afflictions...Yea, the Lord did strengthen them that they could bear up their burdens with ease, and they did submit cheerfully and with patience to all the will of the Lord."

The first time these scriptures really stood out to me was when I attended BYU many years ago.  I remember teaching this at a prayer devotional on a Summer Sunday evening.  I have gone back to these scriptures many, many times since then as I've encountered trials.  Over the past 3 weeks I have felt as the people of Alma that Heavenly Father truly has eased my burdens.  I do not feel down or heavy, but physically feel my burdens lifted from off of my shoulders.  I know this is because of my faith, my prayers, your prayers and fasting.  I know that Heavenly Father is listening and answering.  I was listening to a book on tape last night on my way home from work and it was saying how it is hard to understand how Heavenly Father can here billions of prayers each day, but that it is likely that he has different ears than we have.  I really like that concept. 

I have been praying specifically that Heavenly Father would guide me and my physicians to give me the treatment that would be most beneficial.  This afternoon Dr. P called me.  I don't know about you, but that's pretty crazy that my oncologists is calling me on a Sunday afternoon.  He informed me that he felt he needed to give me more information and time to ask questions.  He also sent me an email today about the treatment that he would suggest.

Another amazing thing happened tonight.  I was talking to my friend Nicole whose mother passed away from OVC and who is very involved with raising funds for OVC research through Colleens Dream.  She was telling me of a GYN Oncologists here in the Phoenix area.  She sent a text or made a phone call to his nurse and 10 minutes later his nurse called me; on a Sunday night at 9:30.  I tell you, SO SO MANY TENDER MERCIES!  She talked to me about the treatment that this Dr. J would give me, which is actually similar to what the others have suggested, but there is an added medicine which is rather new and one I've heard of before which they have found over the last few years to be working wonders in OVC.  They give it initially when the cancer returns and then maintenance doses, which people have been on for years and they are living several years.  She also let me know that when I come back to Phoenix they would be happy to take over my care here.  I'm thrilled with this information, as I've so enjoyed being in my home for the past 3 days and really needed to establish care here, but didn't know where to go.

I'm now thinking that I may stick with my original plan to finish in MVY the middle of August and return to finish my treatment in Phoenix.  There is something about sleeping in my own bed when I feel crummy from the side effects of chemo.  Dr. P actually discussed with me that it doesn't matter where I have treatment if I don't go with the clinical trial, which he actually told me in his professional opinion, that he wouldn't do anyway.  It is also hopeful that I will be able to work around my chemo treatments, which will make the people I work with very happy and will keep me busy.

More Good News:  With this chemo I will not lose my hair.  Talk about exciting.  If I do choose one of the meds, it could thin my hair but I won't lose it and I feel that med is not the one I am going to go with any way.  The other meds will require more treatments, but not such harsh side effects.  We will see what the consensus is on Tuesday.

I saw this tonight and feel it couldn't be more true about my attitude:

President Benson

Today in Relief Society we started studying from a new manual, which are sermons from President Ezra Taft Benson.  I'm excited to study his words this year.  He was the prophet for most of my growing up years and I remember many great talks that he gave.  He is also from my home state of Idaho.

Our lesson today was entitled The Great Commandment-Love the Lord.  I'm a quote girl, so of course I loved the following quotes.  The first 2 are my all time favorite quotes:

"We must put God in the forefront of everything else in our lives.  When we put God first, all other things fall into their proper place or drop out of our lives.  Our love of the Lord will govern the claims for our affection, the demands on our time, the interests we pursue, and the order of our priorities."

"Men and women who turn their lives over to God will discover that He can make a lot more out of their lives than they can.  He will deepen their joys, expand their vision, quicken their minds, strengthen their muscles, lift their spirits, multiply their blessings, increase their opportunities, comfort their souls, raise up friends, and pour out peace.  Whoever will lose his life in the service of God will find eternal life."

He also quotes the scripture Romans 8:28, "All things shall work together for good to them that love God."  I love this scripture, because it it so true.

I also like this quote, "One of the trials of life is that we do not usually receive immediately the full blessings for righteousness...That it will come is certain, but ofttimes there is a waiting period that occurs, as was the case with Job and Joseph...During this testing time the righteous must continue to love God, trust in His promises, be patient, and be assured as the poet said that 'who does God's work will get God's pay.'"

He ends with this, "The great test of life is obedience to God.  The great task of life is to learn the will of the Lord and then do it.  The great commandment of life is, 'Thou shalt love the Lord they God with all they heart, and with all they soul, and with all they mind and with all they strength.'"

I have seen these prophecy's come forth in my own life as I have put the Lord ahead of all other matters and people, He has truly blessed me.  Sure there have been plenty of trials and setbacks, but the blessings far out weight the trials.  I am so grateful to know that God lives, that I am one of his choice daughters, that He is intimately involved in my life and that he has a plan for me.  I love him and am so humbled by his love for me.