Chemo Is A Go

I heard back from MSTI that my insurance doesn't require a pre-authorization for chemo so chemo is a go for Friday.   There is something just not normal when a nurse has to stick a gigantic needle into your chest, which will distribute a poison into your body to kill both good and bad cells. 

However, I am grateful for modern day medicine to assist with killing my bad cells so that I will be "fixed".  For today, I'm not going to focus on the stupid cancer or the chemo.  I'm going to enjoy the next few hours with my nieces, nephews and cousins, as they will be here soon to swim in the pool and eat Popsicles.

Here's The Plan

I had the biggest surprise when I came through the doors of the Boise Airport yesterday morning.  Some of my biggest, yet smallest fans were there to greet me.  It was such a fun surprise.  No one ever comes into get me; they always just pick me up at the curb.  I felt like what it must be like when a missionary comes home.  I wish I would have stopped to take a picture of the beautiful sight I saw as I came out the doors.  Kartson who is almost 5 ran up to me and as he was hugging me looked up and said, "Are you fixed yet?"  I replied, "I will be soon."  That is a promise. I loved the signs of encouragement they had for me.  There was a large sign that I didn't get a picture of, but it was so cute.

The Boise airport has been under construction so yesterday in honor of me and of course their new restaurants and shops, they had food booths for free.  It was fun and so delicious.  

My support team definitely made it easier for me to enter the ever depressing MSTI cancer unit.  I had some time before my visit with Dr. Dan so I went down to see Dr. C my GYN oncologist.  She is so awesome.  She gave me several of the biggest hugs (which I don't believe she has ever done) and had a few tears in her eyes herself.  She worked so hard at taking all of the cancer out the first time, I'm sure it was just as devastating to her knowing the cancer has returned.  It also probably doesn't help that we are about the same age.  We had a great visit in the hallway, which by the way wasn't planned, but she gave me such peace and courage to press on.

Of course it was a tearful reunion when Dr. Dan and Marybeth his nurse came into my room.  They are amazing though and totally put me to ease.  The great thing is that he knows my doctors in Boston personally and they are all working together for my cause.  Dr. Dan's chemo plan is the same exact as the Dr. in Phoenix, which is the plan that I wanted.  Dr. P agrees as well but would have used a different chemo that would make me lose my hair or at least really thin it.  The chemo regimen that we have decided on has little side effects, the most being fatigue and low grade fever and I won't lose my hair.  Of course we are all hoping that this chemo regiment that I'll hopefully start on Friday pending insurance approval will eradicate the cancer.  There are several other options that we can try if not.

So the plan goes as follows:

*Minor surgery tomorrow afternoon to insert the port into my chest, which I'm not super happy about, because it is just plain weird to have a contraption sitting in your chest wall.
*Will start chemo on Friday, praying insurance approves it today.  I mean really what does it take to say, Yes, she has cancer let's approve her now.
*The chemo regimen is similar to 2 years ago in the fact that it will be on day 1 and day 8 with 1 week off.  I will do 6 cycles of this, which means I will finish around the end of October, that is if my blood counts remain up and I don't have to postpone a treatment.
*The plan is to do the first 2 cycles in Boise, return to Martha's Vineyard on July 21 and continue treatment.
*After 3 rounds, we will do another CT Scan to see if the tumors are shrinking.  If not, we will have to switch the chemo.  I'm hoping and praying and requesting your prayers to be specific in that this chemo regimen eradicates the cancer.

I will admit, I'm uncomfortable and actually took half of a pain pill today.  The pain in my low back is worse when I lay down or sit.  If you need to feel sympathetic, go ahead and fall on your behind and you will know what kind of pain I'm experiencing.  It didn't help that when I stepped into the pool yesterday I slipped on the top step and fell on my right buttocks.  Thankfully it only hurt for a minute because Stella and Kaison distracted me as we played ring around the roises.

Meanwhile, I'm enjoying my cute nieces, nephews, cousins friends and family.  I'm so very blessed to have the most amazing people in my life.  My sister Tristen and her girls arrive today for 2 weeks.  I can't wait to see them.  The little people in my life make my cancer diagnosis not so bad.

Last night Kadyn said the dinner prayer and in it he said, "Please bless that Aunt Terahs cancer will go away."  I mean really how can the Lord not honor that prayer and all the other prayers being said that are similar?

Feeling Hopeful And Enthusiastic

Have you ever gotten up early and watched the sunrise over the ocean as it ushered in a new day?  Last week I did just that.  It was very quiet as I strolled along the waterfront watching this spectacular event that happens each morning.  But this time I was even more in awe at the creation of light that we have been blessed with.  It brought me hope and reassured me that Heavenly Father is intricately involved in my life.  Tonight I'm feeling I can feel His light which gives me hope and enthusiasm for the future.

Today was an amazing Fast Sunday.  I know that many of my friends and family across the country and in other countries were praying and fasting in my behalf.  This morning I woke at 3:30 and literally felt like Heavenly Fathers arm's were hugging me tightly.  I felt such peace and comfort that everything is going to be okay.

As I walked into church today I felt so much love of those in attendance.  I know that my Bishop is called of God and that he is to be guiding our congregation at this time.  We had a good conversation today as we talked about miracles and priesthood blessings.  While I attended my church meetings I kept thinking of one of my most favorite parts in The Book Of Mormon.  It is in Mosiah and talking about a faithful people who were persecuted for their righteousness.

Mosiah 23:21-22  "Nevertheless the Lord seeth fit to chasten his people; yea, he trieth their patience and their faith.  Nevertheless-whosever putteth his trust in him the same shall be lifted up at the last day."

And in the next chapter versus 13-15  "And it came to pass that the voice of the Lord came to them in their afflictions, saying:  Lift up your heads and be of good comfort, for I know of the covenant which ye have made unto me; and I will covenant with my people and deliver them out of bondage.  And I will also ease the burdens which are put upon your shoulders, that even you cannot feel them upon your backs, even while you are in bondage; and this will I do that ye may know of a surety that I, the Lord God, do visit my people in their afflictions...Yea, the Lord did strengthen them that they could bear up their burdens with ease, and they did submit cheerfully and with patience to all the will of the Lord."

The first time these scriptures really stood out to me was when I attended BYU many years ago.  I remember teaching this at a prayer devotional on a Summer Sunday evening.  I have gone back to these scriptures many, many times since then as I've encountered trials.  Over the past 3 weeks I have felt as the people of Alma that Heavenly Father truly has eased my burdens.  I do not feel down or heavy, but physically feel my burdens lifted from off of my shoulders.  I know this is because of my faith, my prayers, your prayers and fasting.  I know that Heavenly Father is listening and answering.  I was listening to a book on tape last night on my way home from work and it was saying how it is hard to understand how Heavenly Father can here billions of prayers each day, but that it is likely that he has different ears than we have.  I really like that concept. 

I have been praying specifically that Heavenly Father would guide me and my physicians to give me the treatment that would be most beneficial.  This afternoon Dr. P called me.  I don't know about you, but that's pretty crazy that my oncologists is calling me on a Sunday afternoon.  He informed me that he felt he needed to give me more information and time to ask questions.  He also sent me an email today about the treatment that he would suggest.

Another amazing thing happened tonight.  I was talking to my friend Nicole whose mother passed away from OVC and who is very involved with raising funds for OVC research through Colleens Dream.  She was telling me of a GYN Oncologists here in the Phoenix area.  She sent a text or made a phone call to his nurse and 10 minutes later his nurse called me; on a Sunday night at 9:30.  I tell you, SO SO MANY TENDER MERCIES!  She talked to me about the treatment that this Dr. J would give me, which is actually similar to what the others have suggested, but there is an added medicine which is rather new and one I've heard of before which they have found over the last few years to be working wonders in OVC.  They give it initially when the cancer returns and then maintenance doses, which people have been on for years and they are living several years.  She also let me know that when I come back to Phoenix they would be happy to take over my care here.  I'm thrilled with this information, as I've so enjoyed being in my home for the past 3 days and really needed to establish care here, but didn't know where to go.

I'm now thinking that I may stick with my original plan to finish in MVY the middle of August and return to finish my treatment in Phoenix.  There is something about sleeping in my own bed when I feel crummy from the side effects of chemo.  Dr. P actually discussed with me that it doesn't matter where I have treatment if I don't go with the clinical trial, which he actually told me in his professional opinion, that he wouldn't do anyway.  It is also hopeful that I will be able to work around my chemo treatments, which will make the people I work with very happy and will keep me busy.

More Good News:  With this chemo I will not lose my hair.  Talk about exciting.  If I do choose one of the meds, it could thin my hair but I won't lose it and I feel that med is not the one I am going to go with any way.  The other meds will require more treatments, but not such harsh side effects.  We will see what the consensus is on Tuesday.

I saw this tonight and feel it couldn't be more true about my attitude:

Crushed Is An Understatement

I've been waiting for the consensus from the tumor board since Monday.  Monday night just before 10 I got an email from Dr. G that said,

"we had a long conversation and we reviewed the path and the consensus was that we first try medical therapy and spare you a morbid surgery if we can avoid it as everyone agreed that the surgery would need to be what we talked about."

Tuesday came and went with no phone call about what to do next.  Wednesday I sent an email to Dr.'s G and P.  At 11pm Dr. P sent me an email that said,

"Are you set up to see Whit? How are you feeling?  Our Pathologists have seen the slides. Lets talk tomorrow late a.m. I will try and go over the CT with Whit before calling you. If you’re up and want to touch base call me now."

Yea I wasn't about to call my oncologist at 11pm.  So I waited for him to call me but he didn't.  Finally I sent him a text as I was flying out of MVY yesterday if we could talk when I landed in Boston and his response was "absolutely."

I called as soon as I got to Boston.  At this point I'm up set about the communication, but I think that it was probably a tender mercy that the information he gave me came as I was going home and not before as I had shifts that I needed to finish without the heavier burden that is now on my shoulders.

Dr. P informed me that the Pathologists at Mass General who are the best in the country viewed the tissue samples from my surgery 2 years ago.  They disagree with the diagnosis of low grade and feel that this is actually a high grade, grade 2  cancer.  2 is definitely better than 3 but still high grade is not good.  High grades are fast growing and have a higher chance of mortality.

As I sat in a busy airport, time seemed to stop.  My heart literally sank and tears rushed into my eyes as I felt my hope and faith diminish.  People die from high grade all too often and I'm not ready to die.  I'm not ready to say goodbye to my happy life, my friends and my family and to this beautiful worlds that we live in.

And so the fighting continues.

Yes I was devastated with the diagnosis of high grade ovc, but what devastates me more is the fact that I have to start CHEMO in the next week.  Dr. P told me that I can't wait to return to Boston on July 21, but that we need to start this ASAP.

Crushed is an understatement.

Just thinking of what I'm going to have to go through again gives me anticipatory nausea.  The thought of needles, fluids, the smell of hospitals or even worse cafeteria food, the fatigue, bone pain and mouth sores make me cringe.

But it's my hair that I'm the saddest about.  I know it's just hair and it will grow back, but I finally feel like I have some sort of a style after 2 years.  I can finally put my bangs behind my ears, which I've been waiting for all this growing out time.  I can finally use a bunch of fun hair products and hair pins and headbands.  And in a few weeks I'll loose it all again and it will be back to scarves and hats, but at least I know how to tie them.

As I talked to my mom in the airport with tears streaming down my face and telling her that this feels like deja vu, she told me what Tenielle said.  That even though this feels like deja vu, I'm so much healthier now than 2 years ago when I started chemo because I'm not recovering from a 15 day hospital stay and a major surgery.  Hooray for Tenielle pointing out the bright side!

There are 2 chemo routes that I can take.  1 includes a clinical trial that I will have to go to Boston for on a regular basis.  The other is the standard of care, yet different drugs than used before.

Dr. Dan was out of the office yesterday, however his nurse has me scheduled to see him on Tuesday afternoon.  I had hoped to work until Wednesday, but it's more important that I start to kill the disease inside of me than to work.  As Dr. P told me, "You are the patient now.  There are other people who can take care of your patients."

I will at least work today, tomorrow and likely Monday and then to Boise.

As I recall my Summer Bucket List didn't entail cancer and chemo, however I'm still going to accomplish everything on this list, but just with a few nuisances.

I'm looking on the bright side, at least now I will get to spend even more time with my cute nieces and nephews.  Tristen will be in Boise for 2 whole weeks and I get to spend precious time with the ones I love so dearly.

I get a quote of the day in my email from Deseret Book.  Yesterday's couldn't have been more fitting.

"We should remember that a loving Heavenly Father is aware of our righteous desires and will honor His promises that nothing will be withheld from those who faithfully keep their covenants."  Bonnie Oscarson

So I think today might be a good day for you all to paint your toes teal.  I know I'm going to.

To those in Terah's Army:  Let the fight continue.  We did this once, We'll do it again and again if we have to.  Knowing that I have all of you on my side does make it a little easier.  I feel your prayers and the peace that comes from all of your prayers.  We can do this.  Like Luke 1:37 says, "For with God nothing shall be impossible."  Without a doubt I know nothing is impossible for God.

Over the past few months I've been reading the New Testament and reading all of the miracles that Jesus Christ brought forth.  I know that I can be a miracle and that He can heal me.   A few days ago in my readings I read the story of the woman who had a blood disorder, how she touched the Saviors gown and immediately was made whole.  I love this story and studied it in my religion class this past Spring.  The passage that brings me great hope is in Luke 8:49, "And he said unto her, Daughter, be of good comfort: thy faith hath made thee whole; go in peace.  And in verse 50 I have highlighted in red, "Fear not; believe only."  And so it is with faith I believe that I will be made whole.  I believe whole heartily that He still performs miracles.  I want to be a miracle.