Crushed Is An Understatement

I've been waiting for the consensus from the tumor board since Monday.  Monday night just before 10 I got an email from Dr. G that said,

"we had a long conversation and we reviewed the path and the consensus was that we first try medical therapy and spare you a morbid surgery if we can avoid it as everyone agreed that the surgery would need to be what we talked about."

Tuesday came and went with no phone call about what to do next.  Wednesday I sent an email to Dr.'s G and P.  At 11pm Dr. P sent me an email that said,

"Are you set up to see Whit? How are you feeling?  Our Pathologists have seen the slides. Lets talk tomorrow late a.m. I will try and go over the CT with Whit before calling you. If you’re up and want to touch base call me now."

Yea I wasn't about to call my oncologist at 11pm.  So I waited for him to call me but he didn't.  Finally I sent him a text as I was flying out of MVY yesterday if we could talk when I landed in Boston and his response was "absolutely."

I called as soon as I got to Boston.  At this point I'm up set about the communication, but I think that it was probably a tender mercy that the information he gave me came as I was going home and not before as I had shifts that I needed to finish without the heavier burden that is now on my shoulders.

Dr. P informed me that the Pathologists at Mass General who are the best in the country viewed the tissue samples from my surgery 2 years ago.  They disagree with the diagnosis of low grade and feel that this is actually a high grade, grade 2  cancer.  2 is definitely better than 3 but still high grade is not good.  High grades are fast growing and have a higher chance of mortality.

As I sat in a busy airport, time seemed to stop.  My heart literally sank and tears rushed into my eyes as I felt my hope and faith diminish.  People die from high grade all too often and I'm not ready to die.  I'm not ready to say goodbye to my happy life, my friends and my family and to this beautiful worlds that we live in.

And so the fighting continues.

Yes I was devastated with the diagnosis of high grade ovc, but what devastates me more is the fact that I have to start CHEMO in the next week.  Dr. P told me that I can't wait to return to Boston on July 21, but that we need to start this ASAP.

Crushed is an understatement.

Just thinking of what I'm going to have to go through again gives me anticipatory nausea.  The thought of needles, fluids, the smell of hospitals or even worse cafeteria food, the fatigue, bone pain and mouth sores make me cringe.

But it's my hair that I'm the saddest about.  I know it's just hair and it will grow back, but I finally feel like I have some sort of a style after 2 years.  I can finally put my bangs behind my ears, which I've been waiting for all this growing out time.  I can finally use a bunch of fun hair products and hair pins and headbands.  And in a few weeks I'll loose it all again and it will be back to scarves and hats, but at least I know how to tie them.

As I talked to my mom in the airport with tears streaming down my face and telling her that this feels like deja vu, she told me what Tenielle said.  That even though this feels like deja vu, I'm so much healthier now than 2 years ago when I started chemo because I'm not recovering from a 15 day hospital stay and a major surgery.  Hooray for Tenielle pointing out the bright side!

There are 2 chemo routes that I can take.  1 includes a clinical trial that I will have to go to Boston for on a regular basis.  The other is the standard of care, yet different drugs than used before.

Dr. Dan was out of the office yesterday, however his nurse has me scheduled to see him on Tuesday afternoon.  I had hoped to work until Wednesday, but it's more important that I start to kill the disease inside of me than to work.  As Dr. P told me, "You are the patient now.  There are other people who can take care of your patients."

I will at least work today, tomorrow and likely Monday and then to Boise.

As I recall my Summer Bucket List didn't entail cancer and chemo, however I'm still going to accomplish everything on this list, but just with a few nuisances.

I'm looking on the bright side, at least now I will get to spend even more time with my cute nieces and nephews.  Tristen will be in Boise for 2 whole weeks and I get to spend precious time with the ones I love so dearly.

I get a quote of the day in my email from Deseret Book.  Yesterday's couldn't have been more fitting.

"We should remember that a loving Heavenly Father is aware of our righteous desires and will honor His promises that nothing will be withheld from those who faithfully keep their covenants."  Bonnie Oscarson

So I think today might be a good day for you all to paint your toes teal.  I know I'm going to.

To those in Terah's Army:  Let the fight continue.  We did this once, We'll do it again and again if we have to.  Knowing that I have all of you on my side does make it a little easier.  I feel your prayers and the peace that comes from all of your prayers.  We can do this.  Like Luke 1:37 says, "For with God nothing shall be impossible."  Without a doubt I know nothing is impossible for God.

Over the past few months I've been reading the New Testament and reading all of the miracles that Jesus Christ brought forth.  I know that I can be a miracle and that He can heal me.   A few days ago in my readings I read the story of the woman who had a blood disorder, how she touched the Saviors gown and immediately was made whole.  I love this story and studied it in my religion class this past Spring.  The passage that brings me great hope is in Luke 8:49, "And he said unto her, Daughter, be of good comfort: thy faith hath made thee whole; go in peace.  And in verse 50 I have highlighted in red, "Fear not; believe only."  And so it is with faith I believe that I will be made whole.  I believe whole heartily that He still performs miracles.  I want to be a miracle.