It's OK To Cry

I had a wonderful week last week.  It was most enjoyable.  I have waited for that week since July, so I should be on cloud nine and I am.

...but this evening when I took off my make-up and looked in the mirror I saw what looked like an alien.  Sometimes it just shocks me and saddens me.  Seriously I kind of think I look like Voldemort from Harry Potter, except for the flat nose.  I don't know why but all of a sudden I couldn't stop crying.  It's bad enough that I have a runny nose, but crying doesn't help and just makes it worse.  I think I cried for a good 30 minutes at least.  First I had a pity party in the bathroom by myself and then I went into my room where my mom caught me.  Her loving arms and comments always make me cry more.  It just isn't fair...I can't ever bear a child, I feel like part of my womanhood is gone, my eyelashes are splotchy as well as my eyebrows, I'm bald, I have a poop bag that I have to empty on a regular basis and that is attached to my abdomen which prevents me from wearing my normal clothes (I just want to be able to button my Lucky Jeans without a bag preventing me), I can't run 4 miles like I use to, I miss having my own home, I can't go to work, I have to take a bunch of medicines, I feel fat, I worry that my counts won't be as high as they need to be this week and I can hardly taste food, which I guess is a good thing because my appetite has been rather non-existent.  I think one of the biggest issues is the anticipation of what this week will bring.  I am most positive it will be the worst chemo of all, but I only have one more bad week; that's it, the last treatment next week isn't usually as bad as this weeks will be.  I know I just need to buck up and put my big girl panties on!

Tyler came over during my pity party, patted me on the back and gave me a sweet blessing of peace, a quick recovery, that the treatments will continue to heal my body and reminded me of all of the prayers being said in my behalf and that Heavenly Father LOVES ME!

...and then I remembered the email my friend Katie sent me this past week and how much it meant to me, how much it made me smile and the fact that I have so much to look forward to in the coming months... (I hope she doesn't mind me sharing, it was just so uplifting to me).

Hey Terah,

I was just reading through your blog....it's just SO YOU, it's fun to read.  I LOVE the way you talk about food (even if your mom thinks you blog too much about it), and while I love reading the recipes, I just know that I'll never be patient enough to make the delicious meals you describe.  The turkey reuben and onion soup sound incredible....but alas, I'm lazy.

Fall is my favorite time of the year too :)  I remember the first time I went into your house and the incredible, loving, cozy, warm feeling I felt there.  It was in the fall :)  I don't know if you remember, but I felt so good in your home that I came back to take pictures because there was just something about your home that I had to capture and try to recreate.  Call me silly but I actually just got teared up remembering the good feeling I felt there.  This might be way too much insight into my thoughts, but  I've kind mourned the loss of your uterus for you.  Does that sound bizarre...someone else mourning that for you? (And of course you could still adopt or marry someone with children, but all the same, I felt the loss for you :( )  But OH TERAH, what a mother heart you have!!!  What a homemaker you are!!!  What a loving, nurturing, uplifting woman you are!!!  And now I'm full on crying...but I want you to know that you inspire me to be a warmer mother and more involved wife, daughter, sister, and aunt through your bright, happy, honest, goodness and homemaking.  I love you and I so look forward to seeing you when you come out to NC in December!

Proud to be a member of TERAH'S ARMY!!

Love Katie

p.s.  I want you to know that you are still in my personal prayers, our marriage prayers, and our family prayers every day.  We love you!  Good luck with chemo!

This email takes me back to my house that I love so much, reminds me of all of the wonderful people in my life who care about me and pray for me...Someday I'll have another house, I'll have hair, I'll be able to wear my normal clothes, run 4 miles, not have to be on medicines, have to go to work and then I'll wish I could have more time to enjoy all the things I'm enjoying now (except the chemo).  So forgive me for venting my pity party on my blog, but it helps me to dry my tears and lets me realize all that I do have, all that I will have in the future and all of the many, many blessings Heavenly Father continues to bless me with.  

And Katie, no worries I'll show you how easy it is to make French Onion Soup and Turkey Reubens when I'm there in December!